I hate it when my girlfriend hangs with my friends (and lately, it's a lot!) Help me?

Question

My girlfriend, who I trust 100 % (and have been with for about 3 years), works in the same place as two of my closest male friends. As a result, they often get invited to go out to other work member's partys/birthdays/get-togethers. Some of them I am invited to and some I'm not.

There was one yesterday that I was not invited too. I didn't really mind, but I hate being excluded and hate the fact that my guy friends are with my girlfriend and I'm not - I get especially jealous when I imagine her with them having a great time. The next morning she will always tell me, "It was great! We had such a wicked time!" That makes me feel awful.

Anyhow, there's another one tomorrow night, which I was invited too. However, I wasn't sure whether I could go (prior arrangements) so I said "maybe." My girlfriend later said that I now couldn't go and her cousin hadn't booked me a place.

Now they're all off together without me and I get so upset and jealous and I hate it.

What can I do?

I love her and she loves me, but I just can't bear to think she's off having such a wonderful time with the "gang" whilst I'm stuck at home. I imagine they're talking about me and wondering why I'm not there and such.

I know I'm insecure and probably not so much "jealous", but I just want to be able to get over this.

I want to leave her to go off and feel fine about it, so... how?

Answer 1

You have every reason to be worrying. This is your intuition making you aware of a situation that could get out of hand.

Like it or not, this is how it starts. Most likely the way it started with you two. People who spend time together develop a bond. Sometimes its a simple friendship, sometimes its romantic. But its human nature and in most cases, there really is no one to fault. The more time you spend with a person, the more you grow to trust them, the more you trust, the more you love.
What kind of love depends on what experiences you share. Right now she is with your friends and all they are doing are laughing it up and hanging out. But what happens when theres a 'spark', when something neither understand sends that tingly rumble in thier tummies and they cant wait to see each other again? There are far too many compromising situations waiting to happen. You have to interfere NOW!

Why do you hear so many talk-show cheater topics about women who 'werent trying to cheat, it just happened and now theyre in love'.

While you dont want to be jealous and controlling over who she hangs out with, you do have to put your foot down. After all these are YOUR friends. Most likely you have more history with them than you do with her. Its natural to be jealous about being excluded from the fun, whether it be for a gf or a new friend.

It seems unhealthy that she doesnt have her own set of friends to spend time with OR that she WANTS to spend time with them without your company. She may just be adding more friends to her roster but she needs to understand how damaging her interfering can be to a relationship. She needs to know which lines are not to be crossed and she needs to NOT prevent putting herself into any situation. (Because this WILL lead to the ultimate 'I'm sorry we GOT DRUNK and made out!'). She needs to realize that spending so much time away from you is hard enough, but to spend it with a guys 'safety circle', she is threatening too many bonds.

Although as your girlfriend she should be more considerate, she may not even realize that its bothering you because you've said nothing. Women are not mind-readers even if we do claim to be on occasion ;) . You have to be direct and firm with her, but gentle and loving.

Your friends should not be getting more joy from her than from you. There is nothing she can offer in this short time they've known her, than you have in your time knowing them. Even if she is a bit of a clinger, they should have enough respect for you to exclude HER when you arent there. I highly doubt they'd want THEIR girlfriends laughing it up with you! There's a time and a place. Spending anything more than company time with YOUR friends without you is unacceptable. Of course this is different, IF these were HER friends or they were friends made AFTER you met her with her (both your friends) or straight women friends, but this is your stash so to speak.

I will not suggest you get a new girlfriend and a new set of friends. You have put too much time and trust into what you have. I WILL suggest that you get involved. Butt in. Dont feel like youre intruding if you invite yourself along. If this girl is marriage material, treat her as your wife. If she wont stop it, tag along. If anyone gives you blatant flack, confront them. Why are they so upset that you want to be with your girlfriend?

You didnt say how long this has been going on. It may have already happened which is why you are conveniently uninvited to events, but if it hasn't give it time.

Dont let anyone tell you you have no right. This is your love, you've invested 3 years of your life. Its up to you to communicate with her and let her know how you're feeling. Do you know how long it takes for a person to start 'making excuses' for cheating after guilt sinks in? "Well he doesnt care or he wouldnt let me go out with you" is the most common excuse and its almost true. Dont let that be her excuse. Show her that you care and swoop in and fix it before its too late.


After reading this dont get mad, dont over-analyze, dont assume that they have already gotten together. DO work on what and how youre gonna say to her.

Here are some tips:

Ask her what they do together. Without being pushy ask what a typical day / night is with the guys? If she gives a simple 'we just hang out'kinda answer, ask details. Where did you go? How long did you just chill on the sofa? An hour? 10 mins? Were you within touching distance? When you thought of me, what was it about? She deserves the interrogation.

Ask her what they have planned next time? And then suggest that you two do something else alone instead. Get her to cancel her date night with them for you. If you can't she may be too far gone. If you can encourage her to mingle with females while out so that she can get her own group.

Dont show her your anger, show her your vulnerability. Instead of being mean and a raging lunatic, show her your soft side, without crying. Tell her you miss her and you want to be the one who makes her laugh, not them. You want her to live her life, but not with this group.

DONT say they are off-limits. She will get offended and possibly go further.
DONT say ultimatimum. That sets a flaming angry devil loose in our heads and a red flag too.


She will probably say BUT I WORK WITH THEM! They are my coworkers! I cant avoid them! Your rebuttal should be something along the lines of "Then as a coworker, I only ask that you keep it on a professional level. Any congregating outside of work should include me. What part of that doesnt sound fair? There are no secrets to hide, so why is hanging with them so important?"


This whole thing might just be jealousy for feeling left out, but thats natural. Dont let it depress you and start blocking people out. Instead make your life look supreme. Make them all come to you. Start being the hottest thing around and you wont have to worry about not getting invited. You can always go work with her or eat lunch with her if you have the time.

If none of this works, show her this article. If nothing else, she'll see you were THIS concerned about it that you asked strangers for advice. :)

Answer 2

honestly if you really trust her like you say you do and she has not do anything in the 3 years you have been together then why are you so jealous, when she makes plans with friends/co-works/etc. you should make plans with your friends/co-worker/etc. then hang out later and talk about what a fun time you both had. it OK to have fun without each other.

Answer 3

Talk to her and I am sure she could compromise and sacrifice some, like she would prefer not to go off rather stay with you at some point, but do let her choose and let her go, and work onyour schedule and make some time to go out with her.

Answer 4

You say you trust her but deep down it doesn't sound like you do. Work on that and if you feel you can't trust her, get out while the getting's good.

Answer 5

i don't think your being that insecure. i think it's wierd she would go without you over and over. occasionally i could see it but she has to know it's wierd for you even if you've never told her. i'd seriously reconsider the relationship. might not be worth loosing her over but i think you have every right to feel like u do. sounds like she's pretty selfish if you ask me. don't know what else to say just feel bad for you. sorry

Answer 6

if you feel this way then why don't you talk to your guy friends and say can you watch out for my gf so she doesn't hook up with anybody and then talk to her and she will understand!! NEVER shout at a girl. they think that is offensive and will get rid of that person because they need respect.

Answer 7

confront her about it but not harshley.

although it does kinda seem that you r jealous it also seems to me that she is being kinda a flirt.

i hope this all works out for you.
i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 8

You know she loves you so much. If you just go up to her and calmly talk she will understand. But, if for example you just shout at her she will dump you right then and their.

Answer 9

by remembering that you can't be everything to her and be glad that you don't have to be. you can't keep something that wants to go anyway so lighten up and don't play games.if you want to go with her say so and if you don't say so.stop worrying over situations that you have no control over. you only have that over you not her.

Answer 10

Tell her! Take the load off your chest Im sure she will appreciate your honesty! GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 11

watch out jealousy is a sign of mistrust in a relationship. read more on dating and relationships that will help you on this site