My mother-in law spanked my son. What should I do?

Question

I am so angry that anyone put their hands on my six year old son. And yes I punish my son and expect if he is acting out of hand, for who ever is watching him to put him in a time out or in a corner, but this is rediculus. I told my husband and he wants to call her and talk to her about it. But what if he does not convey my feelings on this matter? Should I confront her and tell her? I don't want to upset my husband but she needs to know that she will never watch any of my children again.

Answer 1

Wow, I would be angry too. I don't know what kind of parents have written all the previous answers, but it makes me very worried--discipline is important, but violence in the home leads to crime, not the lack of it. Anyone who thinks differently is teaching fear rather than respect. You and your husband need to present a united front on this issue to your mother-in-law. If you can get your husband to agree, I think the best thing for you to do is for both of you to sit down with your mother-in-law and explain to her that spanking is not a form of discipline that is going to be used with your son by anyone, and explain why you both insist on this. Don't act angry or hurt--be very calm, collected, and firm. Tell her that you love her and appreciate her concern over your son's behavior. Then you need to provide her with alternative forms of discipline. You and your husband should prepare what you will say in advance, and your husband should do most of the talking. If you and your husband work together on this, it will make a much stronger impression, and will be less likely to hurt her feelings (she thought she was doing something that was okay). Tell her that you are so glad that she is around to spend time with you and your son, but you need her "help" with appropriate discipline (everyone loves to "help"). This will provide an avenue to move forward.

Lastly, both of you should sit down with your son and talk to him about how to act around grandma and how to treat people who are older than him with respect (even if you have done this before). If grandma has a short fuse, this will help prevent repeat scenarios.

And good for you for standing up for your convictions.

Answer 2

If the spanking was just a spanking and not an act of child abuse, you should calm down and consider your mother in law's perspective. Ask yourself a few questions like:
1. Did you discuss appropriate and inappropriate disciplinary techniques with your mother in law before leaving your child in her care?
2. Did you and your husband discuss how your husband was disciplined as a child by his mother prior to this episode?
3. What did your child do to merit a spanking?
4. Do you feel that your child should never receive a spanking?
5. What permanent damage was done to your child by this spanking?
6. Do you uphold your child in wrongdoings?
7. Did you express your displeasure to your six year old child about him getting spanked?
8. How did you find out that he had been spanked? Him or your mother in law?
9. Outside of this incident, what type of person is your mother law? Sane? Reasonable? Mean? Considerate? Stern? Understanding? Angry?
10. Was the spanking done to stop a negative action on your son's behalf or was it done to be mean to your son?
When you go through these questions, be honest and please have an open mind. Don't burn the bridges with your mother in law if there is a way to salvage this relationship. There is nothing wrong with you having a civilized conversation with your mother in law but keep in mind that this is your husband's mother. The child should never know that adults are at odds over something like this or he may use it against all of you. Children have a way of being clever about playing adults against each other to get their way.

Answer 3

Was he in her care at the time? Did you ever make it clear that
no one but his parent's were to discipline him in that way? You
have to understand that she raised your husband and probably
feels as if she had the right to correct him in this way. Did your son deserve a spanking? I once baby sat an 8 years old boy that
had tried to set his room on fire. I didn't spank him tho he most
certainly needed it. I called his father home. He did get a spanking. Sometimes if a child needs strict discipline and sees his parents protecting him from others correcting him it will make him think that he is above discipline, especially when it's his own
grandparent. It is a sticky situation and I would say let some time pass before anyone says anything.

Answer 4

When you leave your children in the care of a grandparent you obviously trust that that person loves and cares for your child. Don't over-react. Just calmly discuss this situation with her. Find out what happened and why she felt the need to spank him. Then tell her that you do not believe in corpral punishment nor do you use it with your child. Give her some examples about how you handle his discipline. Your anger is clouding your logical thinking. You don't even trust your husband to talk this over with his own mother because he may not say what you want him to say! Come on - you sounds as if you want to control everyone and everything. Maybe you just need to get a grip and act mature. You will get further with people by discussing matters with them. When you attack them you lose all credibility.

Answer 5

Were your feelings on discipline made clear to her before you left him with her? If not then you cannot expect her to be a mind reader. I'm not condoning what she did. But many grandparents think they can step in as a parent would. You should have established your rules and feelings before leaving him with her.

My mom has said time and again that she'll spank the kids if they misbehave. I've told her that is unacceptable. I've made my feelings clear to her that she is not to use any form of physical punishment. I'm not sure why she'd want to. Grandparents are supposed to SPOIL the children. She still insists that she will not put up with their crap. The problem is that her views on how children behave and my views on how children should behave are not the same. So, she will never be alone with my children.

Talk to your mom-in-law. If it is already too later in your mind then explain this to her and explain why. If you are willing to give her another shot then explain your rules. If she can't go by your rules then she no longer needs to watch your son.

If she punished him while you were there in the house too, well then she totally went over the line. That is just wrong.

Answer 6

This is a hard one here. Let me see if I can help out. Your mother in law your husbands mother probably felt as tho she was doing right and then reallize that are sociotys doesnt tolerate that not like back in the day when corporal punishmentment if you acted out you got a swat in school and when you got home you had another coming. If you talk at your husband I am sure he will conve your conserns about her instead of you going and blowing it up more then it is cause I definately here your voice over it. Sometimes with certain kids time out doesnt work and you have to give a swat of a child that age with the palm of your hand but what every you do dont make it know to the child because if you make it know in front of the child momy doesnt tolerate anyone in our family hitting your the child will grow up with the attitude of bet not touch me or i wiill tell. Not to say in that sence that it was right for her to do it either it is a touchy thing. And so far as her watching your children that is being a little extreme wouldnt you say ok mind you she shouldnt do that but now you have the thing of well if I cant correct your kids and you no not in that manner well I wont watch them then a back and forth. So let him handle it because it is his mom you dont need the add presure and explain to the child of why grandma hit you or fine out why she hit him from him he will tell you then you can say if it was right or wrong. Then let him know that it was wrong for ganme to hit you but momi doesnt want you to behave like that. As I said I could go on but it is a touch y thing ppl in our world say it is wrong but we our raising a nation of disrespectful kids to adluts because they know nothing will happen. Then the flip of the coin is abusive ppl touching other ppl kids and going to jail for asult so that is a hard one. I hope you look at this objectivly and I hope I help a little only you know your own kids and what should or shouldnt be happing. peace love and elbow grease. Sorry about the spelling spell checker not working.

Answer 7

Call her, leave a message. Write a letter. Tell her she is never allowed unsupervised around the children ever again! She may only talk to the child via speaker phone!

You child, your rules!

How hard did she spank? Hard enough for a hand print? Then its proof of child abuse.

I doubt the kid that got spank wants anything to do with her, and would probably hide behind you, when your mother-in-law is around.

PS. Give your kids some rules he must obey by. He should be able to understand orders of the house and when in company. Age 6 you say! If kid on caffeine all day and watches tv all day, he will act up. Don't allow the TV to be the babysitter, plan togertherness with your son.

Answer 8

I'm a grandmother, raising two of my grandchildren. You better believe I spank them when needed, which is not often. God says spare the rod and spoil the child. If you don't want anyone to correct your child then stay home and keep him yourself, then you can make sure it does not happen again. Apparently, you liked something about the way the lady teaches children or you wouldn't have married her son. Is anything wrong with him? Is he scared for life? Exactly what was your son doing? He had to have done something to either hurt himself or someone else. What corner will you sit him in if he is playing with a lighter, sticking or spraying objects into a socket? Get real he most likely needed it or it wouldn't have happened.

Answer 9

You and your husband have obviously talked to each other and to her about your choices/forms of discipline? If not, especially since you feel so strongly about this, you should make sure she understands how you feel. If she is unable to honor this, I agree you should "agree to disagree" with her and indeed not allow her to keep your children. If you have communicated this clearly to her already, then I think you are well within your rights to let her know calmly and respectfully that since she has not honored your values about discipline that you want to work out with her alternative methods of her visiting with your children (with your supervision).

This issue here really is not what other people think about your choices (ignore them!), but that you have a right to "say" how your child will be disciplined by whoever keeps him. Its a trip to me that so many people (both for and against spanking) think they have a right to impose their views on others!

Answer 10

She was probably babysitting for free, right? You get what you pay for. And she did raise you husband, you're proud of him, aren't you?

I'm sorry for what you are going through, but rather than tear up the whole family over it, just learn your lesson like the big girl that you are, and don't ask Big Mama to babysit again.

This is after all, truly your responsibility, since you asked her to babysit without first doing a basic talk about discipline. You would have done that with any nanny you hired off the street.