Is my mother abusive? I moved back in during graduate school, she agreed, but she is so hateful?

Question

She was trying to lose weight, (and she can't cook) so I offered to help her by prepping & prepacking all her meals, desserts, in advance (i did for 1 yr) She was ecstatic at first, but then she would throw it out & say "it was better last time," or "I can't eat your *****" So I stopped & now she says "you don't give a *** about me, "you selfish ****", where's my dinner", etc.
Her house hadn't been redone since 1970. I offered to paint all the rooms for her, do a lot of gardening, decorate, clean. Our real estate agent says the value has gone up by 25%. She says: "you took over my **** house", "who do you think you are", etc.

She points out (invisible) stratches, stains, to me (I've counted) 50 times a day. "What's this," "was this here before", etc.
She wanted to buy a car so I helped her going to dealers, etc. The minute we brought it home, she says "it's a piece of ****" (it's a bmw), why did you MAKE me buy that car, it hurts my back, i can't see out", it's your fault.

the only solution i've tried so far is ignoring her totally whenever she "starts up". The only problem w/ this is she starts talking to HERSELF, saying, "oh, now she's ignoring me", "she thinks she's in charge," , etc. etc. and it will go on for HOURS. it's maddening.

Answer 1

I think your mother could maybe have some sort of disorder (sorry, but this is NOT normal behaviour). Do research on this. Also, she sounds a bit like my grandmother, who often acts in a similar manner.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear that. Was your mom like this at all before? Is there any possibility that she's not quite right in the head? I don't want to offend you by asking that, but my mom was kind of similar sometimes and she's got some mental issues. She would go from being totally cool, and then fly off the handle. I used to ignore it too, but it doesn't help anything. I live on my own now and have for nearly a year, I just don't let her talk to me like that anymore. I can reason out why she chooses to personally attack, and tell her that it's not my fault etc, etc. And then if she still doesn't stop, I go away. I really only had to make a stand for myself once, since then we're pretty good. I still love and care about my mom, and she knows that because I tell her. She also knows that I won't stand for any guilt trip abuse.
Your situation sounds worse, I don't know what to say honestly other than suggest that you might want to take your mother's mental health into question. Sorry that I don't have any other advice, good luck. You've got a lot of tolerance putting up with that for so long, I would have split a while ago.

Answer 3

Has she always treated you like this? If the answer is yes, then yes she is abusive. Move as soon as you can.

If she's not always been this way, a trip to her doctor is in order. Tell her doctor what changes you've noticed in her behavior. If you have siblings, perhaps they can intervene here as well? She may have a serious medical problem. Take care, and good luck.

PS If it's her house, how can it be "our" real estate agent? Maybe that was just a typo.

Answer 4

I think that Parents have this gene that causes them to act nutty after their kids move back in with them as an adult.

Dont take it personal, your mom loves you more than she loves herself..But the truth is there's an old saying that goes "A bee-hive can only have One queen"..In other words, when you live with you parents as an adult, you must accept the fact that its THEIR home, and there's nothing you can do about their complaints...Yes, you fixed the home, fixed her meals, bought a car--yo're a GOOD DAUGHTER--now its time for Phase 2 of your life--DOING YOU. Its time to be On Your Own.

I lived with my mom for about 5 years after I graduated college--and although she's my Best Friend--it was still hard..Sooo, I decided to save up my money and move out of state. That was the BEST decision I ever made. Living on my own has been the most Liberating Experience of my life.

A great idea is maybe your Mom wants to sell the home. Why dont you ask your Mom if she wants to sell and retire out of state to a lovely Adult Community. Strike a deal with her, in writing, that she will give you a percentage of the sale. Tell her to pay off her old debts and loans....Take your money, and build your new life. Plan ahead, moving out of state is serious...Until you move, all you can do is count to 10, go in your room, and calm down when Mom gets crazy..I have a rule that I will only be mad at my Mom for about 1 hour if she gets me upset--after that I Forgive Her, and remember all the good things she has done for me, and remember that she is Just Human.

Get up the nerve, and Just Do It--Move Out..Use your experinece from Grad School to land that Dream Job, and DO YOU. And be Thankful to Mom, and forget all the paint stains and weight watchers meals she complained about--and Love Her Unconditionally.

Peace

Answer 5

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you've already stumbled upon it... it takes two. She can only abuse someone that generates the reaction she's looking for. You've already started changing your reaction and you can clearly see her actions (from abusing to talking to herself) have changed.

Another thing you can do is scale back how much you do for her. I know it sounds backwards but the way it works is the more you do for her, the more she will expect and the less she will appreciate it.

Think if someone sent you a card every single day of your life. You'd compare them and get bored with them. But if you only got one a month you'd be very happy when it came.

Change yourself and how you act/react and she cannot continue to act the same way.

Oh yeah, don't try it for 3 days then go back to fixing 99 dinners etc. Stick with it hardcore.

Answer 6

The specifics of what you describe regarding your mother are less important than their similarity. She is clearly abusive, unappreciative, hurtful paranoid and possibly mentally ill. I'm serious about the last part and you need to change your behavior with her. I suggest you learn that she can't help her behavior and without help, it will not change. Only you can change--when she's critical of your efforts tell her that if she feels this way, she can have someone else do it that will do a better job. If she curses at you, tell her that you feel sad that she feels this way about her own child, but that this is who you are and you like yourself. Then do your best to leave as soon as you can.

Answer 7

Gee, can you move out? This sounds like a terrible environment in which you live.

Your mom sounds out of control. Is she depressed, suffering from schizophrenia, mentally ill, or on drugs? Some people just like to complain, but your mom is taking her behavior to extremes. This is verbal abuse.

Has she always been like this or has her behavior changed in the last few years? If it is a recent change, it would be a good idea to have a doctor check her health. Sudden erratic behavior can be a sign of early dementia, stroke, or a brain tumor. Since she is always berating you, is there a close friend or relative who can take her to the doctor?

Answer 8

Oh I think we have the same mother!!!! Seriously, your mom does sound an awful lot like mine. My solution was to move out. But then she would call me or come to my house to abuse me. I then changed my number or wouldn't answer the door. Finally, after we had an actual fistfight (she instigated, I finished!) I told her in no uncertain terms never to call me, come over or anything. She hasn't-in over three years. That tells me that she never loved me. How can a parent treat their own child that way?? Regardless, I know it's not easy, but get the hell away from her as soon as possible. Let her know you won't tolerate her abuse anymore and then stand firm! Hope it gets better!

Answer 9

Why do you keep helping someone who speaks to you that way? If you say, "because she's my mother", I'll be disappointed in you. You teach people how to treat you.

Ignoring her seems to fire her up in a different way, so I would just sit her down and explain the new facts of life to her. "This will not continue or I will not continue to help you in the ways that I've been doing." Period.

Good luck. Sounds like you're going to need it.

Answer 10

Are you sure she is OK physically? Is she going through menopause? Trust me, I've been there and have watched several others. All were different in degree, but we were weird!!!!

I had a tumor - not cancer - and was so bad before the surgery that I was going to check myself into a mental institutution and leave a note for my husband telling him where I was. I was my 35, so age has nothing to do with hormones.
My sister and mother-in-law were snappy and rude. My sister-in-law was mad and mouthy toward my brother and her grown kids.
Another sister-in-law was like I was, depressed and confused.