Will my gf's past affect our future? How can I move past it?

Question

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and we spend every single day together. We love each other and have a pretty good relationship with each other. She is older, 27 and I am 22. She wants to get married and I am okay with that. But her talking about it has really gotten me thinking if I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Although it appears we are heading in the same direction in life, our pasts are the complete opposite. I was always a good kid in a conservative home, and a virgin, while she is anything but. She has lived with several guys, some for years, she was almost married twice, and before i met her she was (to be quite frank and honest) an absolute whore. I told her I was ok and could move past that, but it is constantly creeping in my head. I can't help but think about who and what she used to be and I hate that, I hate who she was. Even though it is in the past, will it affect us in the long run? How can I get past it and not let it ruin us?

Answer 1

Well, here's what the Internet has to say:

"You can overcome your discomfort by recognizing that today many people come with a sexual past, and by not allowing yourself to dwell on it. (If you do, it'll be like pumping air into a balloon until it explodes.)

Your problem isn't unusual. Most people like to fantasize that the partner they have chosen has no sexual history. If you're worried about "comparisons" -- look at it this way: YOU'VE got the girl."

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20060707

"On average men tend to add a few onto their real figure and women tend to take a few off when it comes to answering the age old question of sexual partners.

It sounds to me as if she has been pretty honest with you and you should take that as a good sign. Imagine if she'd lied to spare your feelings and then you found out the true figure later down the line? Truth and honesty in what she's given you here. Sometimes its not easy to hear the truth as it can cut deep but its better than a lie or being patronised.

Also have you considered this....... she was reluctant to talk about it before and then you both got round to 'the talk' you found out something you dont like. Thats what being in love is all about - its that pure, raw, laying down of emotional barriers which can be scary but its also about accepting that all you have gone through in the past as an individual has led you to the point you're at just now i.e. you both love each other NOW.

Live in the HERE & NOW not the past. It cant be undone, no good or bad deed can be undone from the past, it happened in order for you both to find each other. That might sound a bit far out and spiritual but its true.

Also you dont know where her head was at back then, she could have been having a VERY hard time and the only way to forget what was running in the background may have been to have found solace in the arms (or bed) of another. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you think bad of them.

If she's had 65 sexual partners but wants to settle with you, then what does that say? It says that she LOVES you, she has found her soulmate and that everything that went before doesnt matter to her as she's found you!! Take it as a HUGE compliment - you have succeeded in capturing her heart where others have maybe failed or have mistreated her - you will let her down badly if you take her past as an indicator of your future together and she may well lose ALL trust in men and relationships and think you are like all the rest.

Be a true man and nurture her and wipe away any insecurities she might have about her own past and love her for the person she is NOW. You never knew her in the past so forget about it."

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060806044408AAK11F7

"Everyone has a sexual past. The key word is that it is the 'PAST'! If you wanted a virgin when you got married, you should have expressed this. You have two choices, accept it, or leave her. I think it's really odd to be thinking of your wife's sexual past so often, and in such detail. If this really bothers you and you want to accept it, I'm sure some councelling would help. If you judge her because of her past, it's not fair to either of you. I don't think your wife's past is that bad, and a person's sexual history isn't nearly as important as qualities such as respect, honesty, love, and intellegence. Does your wife have these qualities? Does she treat you with respect? Is she honest with you? Does she show you love? Would you rather be with someone who doesn't have these qualities but had a clean sexual past? What is more important to you? This is a very personal decision, and you need to figure out what your priorities in a relationship are."

"Hi there. I agree with the others. You need to find a way of letting the past go. After all, it is the past and we can't be held responsible for decisions we made and how they might bother a future mate, meaning you. At that point in time, you were nobody to her and the other guy was. How would you like your wife to limit what she does with you, based on the possibility that some day she might have to answer to another guy for her actions. We don't live that way."

http://72.14.207.104/search?q=cache:JO_DdfJ4EcAJ:www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-forget-about-my-wifes-past.html+advise+%22sexual+past%22+%22get+over+it%22&hl=en&gl=ca&ct=clnk&cd=29&client=firefox-a

I think the key is that you do the following:

1. Figure out what about her past threatens or bothers you exactly. Are you worried you won't be "enough"? Are you afraid she won't be faithful? Are you angry that she has the power to scare you this way?

2. Think it through logically and prioritize. Do you really want to hold out for someone just as amazing, minus a past that you don't find objectionable? Will that ideal ever come along? Part of the astounding power of love is that is makes us able to accept flaws or negative qualities we ordinarily never would. And that's an amazing human experience. Forget who she was in the past - who is she now? What qualities do you love about her?

3. Watch the movie "Chasing Amy". I promise, it'll help you sort things out. It's meant to be a guy *or* girl's flick, too, so don't worry about it being mushy or anything.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chasing_Amy

Best of luck!

Answer 2

I think this is really a decision you need to make. But if you are having problems with it now, just think what it will be like further down the track when you are going thru a rough patch. Is this something you are going to end up throwing back in her face in the heat of the moment? Do you want to do that to her? Things like this just don't go away no matter how hard you try. Your still young and I think that you should definitely wait to get married. You've only been together for 7 months, you are probably still in the honeymoon period. It's difficult at the best of times making a relationship work, but with these underlying problems it's even harder. Why don't you just give the relationship time, don't rush into anything. See what happens before you go making any big decisions.

Answer 3

You're only 22 don't shortened your life cause she has done everything she wants to do it's not fair and only 7months of dating I would wait 3-5 yrs before getting married that's when you really know someone right now she's acting like you want her to it's still new to you guys just wait and see how long her game is going to last. I feel just rushing into marriage is a big mistake any time someone wants to rush into something it usually send up a red flag!! Ask her why is she in a rush to get married you are both young and give it some years so you will have time to see if marriage is the right idea ....

You said it yourself you are not sure about this marriage thing and love should not have doubts ...that's my opinion!!

Answer 4

If she was a guy you wouldn't think twice about it. So what she had a life before she met you ? So what she has done lots of things ? If you move in with her at 22 and it doesn't work out, would you want the next girl to look at you and say he's 20 something and already lived unsuccessfully with a girl ? Life is life. Sh*t happens.

Answer 5

In matters like this, do not listen to your head. Your head wants to argue and analyze everything until you are confused. Your emotions will win out in the end so you might as well listen to them now. Have you ever been sad and not know why? Intellectually that's stupid. But you were still sad. How about angry over some small detail. You told yourself it was stupid but you were still angry. Marriage is mostly an emotional experience so if your emotions, what some people call a "gut feeling" is talking to you now, imagine what they will say later on? Others word it "listen to your heart, not your brain. Your body is talking, are you listening?
Vaya con DIOS

Answer 6

From what you wrote I would say NO you wont get past it. You never have and never will. The word HATE comes in way too many times. You need to let her go so that both of you can find someone else. Good luck.

Answer 7

you should get out.
she really sounds like she just wants to get married just to do it.
you will probably never be able to get over her past. It will always be in the back of your mind.( I had a similar experience).
you may want to think about easing out of the whole thing.
Good Luck mate.

Answer 8

"The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." -- Dr. Phil.

Be careful, be smart, and be sure before taking this any further, bro. I've had bad experiences with girls who were trying to clean up their acts. It rarely works.

Answer 9

You have issues with her past that are not going to go away. The best thing to do is be honest with her.

Hopefully the next time she will keep her business to herself!!!

Answer 10

You perfect?

Seriously, no one should know better than you whether or not she's put those days behind her.

To quote the old Monkees song, "That was then, this is now."