I have been with this man for 2 years and we are engaged to be married. The problem is he has 2 children,a daughter 13 and son 8. I have 3 boys ages 4,7,and 11.He lives with me, his mom has his children. When he goes to visit them on the weekends my children and I usually go with him. It used to be fun but the past 3 times we went it was terrible. His daughter gets all mean and says I hate them why do you always bring them with you. And she goes in her room until time to leave then she begs us to stay.my fiance says that she just feels left out when we are there. But I don't see how when she gets all the attention.He went this time and my kids and I didn't go.Was I wrong for not going? I just don't feel right when we are there.His family always says that we took him away and I don't want them to feel that way.They think he should never have a female in his life since he is divorced with children.He says his family love me&my children but I just dont see it.Am I wrong for not going?
2006-08-27 08:16:08 · 11 answers · asked by momof3isme 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
His mom got custody of his children when he and his ex were getting a divorce. He was advised to do that due to the circumstances and he was moving back with his mom. Once we get married we are going to get custody of his children of course we have to fight his mom, she wont even let us take the children out of her sight. He is great with my kids and his, but his mom is the one that thinks he shouldnt have anyone else is his life after divorce.(she never remarried after her divorce)
2006-08-27 08:29:27 · update #1
When we are all together I treat his children as if they are my own. I love his children too.. It is just hard at times the way his daughter treats me and my kids. His son and my kids and I get along fine.
2006-08-27 08:37:48 · update #2
I think it's not a matter of you being right or wrong. I think that it's up to your fiancee to have a talk with his daughter and maybe try to arrange for you to spend some time with her alone. Maybe take her shopping and become her best friend to show her that you're not the enemy. She's going through hormonal changes and usually the rebellious stage comes with this.
Your fiancee should also consider that if you are going to be a family, all of you should live together as one. The fact that his children live with the grandmother instead of their father would naturally make them feel abandoned. Especially the girl since she has a lot of mixed emotions.
2006-08-27 08:46:38 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm afraid there isn't an easy answer for this.
Your intended needs to sit down with his family and talk with them. (Probably without you there.) He needs to explain that he loves them all very much, but he loves you also. You, and your children are going to be a part of his life. A teen age daughter is a difficult person to reason with - BUT you shouldn't single her out, what he tells them is for his whole family.
Now, more messy stuff. Why does his mom have his kids? Are you intending to bring his children into your home after you are married? Why or why not? (Is it fair to his mom? Where is their mother?) Would it make sense to combine both households?
I don't think it is wrong that you didn't go - sometimes, he should go without you so that he can reconnect with his family too.
Best of luck.
2006-08-27 15:27:02 · answer #2 · answered by tigglys 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree that his kids could be jealous because your kids are with him all of the time and they are not, which I am sure you can understand. As far as his mother is concerned, he seriously needs to sit down and talk to his mother concerning his kids, I don't feel its right that she doesn't allow them out of her site. They are his kids after all and it sounds like it was to be a temporary situation so I don't understand why she would be like that. Next time they make a comment about taking him away from the family, I would nicely say "I haven't taken him any where, you gained a new family member and I love this family" If that doesn't shut them up and make them feel like s!@#t, then your future husband needs to back you up and say something!
2006-08-27 15:45:37 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They probably feel left out because he lives with you and your children. Who could blame them for being jealous of the relationship he has with your kids. If you guys are committed to getting married and being a family, you should include all the children, not just yours. Have you considered having them move in with you?
2006-08-27 15:25:14 · answer #4 · answered by Marilyn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being the step-parent of teens is more stressful than being an underwater butcher, in shark infested waters. Just accept that by the time they head to college you'll have a nervous twitch, an ulcer, the tendency to flinch at loud noises, and an understandable aversion to opening closets. But, you'll survive.
2006-08-27 16:14:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If visits cause that much grief don't go. Why does grandma have the kids? He should be raising his own kids. That should be a sign/warning to you. He should be seeing them everyday not just weekends if his mom has them.
Your kids get him all week, don't go on the visits and take away from his kids time with him. If they are going to live with you then start bonding.
2006-08-27 15:23:04 · answer #6 · answered by Pantherempress 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're not in thw wrong for not going. As with any situation involving people, an addition to the family can be rough. you have to think about it in terms of what's best for you and him. It sounds like the daughter is being manipulative. if you're going to become her new mom, it's going to become your responsibility to put an end to that kind of behavior.
it's alright to feel unwelcomed. there's nothing wrong with you. try to remember that his family might not like you because of a problem with them. its nothign you can do. just stick with him. (most people hate the inlaws, it's a way of life)
2006-08-27 15:26:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This situation is not such easy one! May be his mother is provoking her or may be she is jealous. May be it is your correct decision the you didn't go last time as it prevented to make situation sore, or may be you were wrong as his mother had a chance to tell him something wrong in absence of you. In first case, just invite his children to your place and watch their behavior. I hope you would get some clue. And in second case you study his behavior after his last visit to his home. I hope you would get your answer yourself.
2006-08-27 15:48:41 · answer #8 · answered by dnagsarkar 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here's a thought, dear. Invite his children to live with you and then the grandparents will have absolutely no say in his life. If he refuses, tread carefully. You want a man who is good to you and your children.
2006-08-27 15:23:51 · answer #9 · answered by swarr2001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Probably the same way, but i would be running not walking for some professional family help & advise
2006-08-27 15:50:49 · answer #10 · answered by loligo1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋