Please critique this song i wrote!?

Question

CAUTION!

(Rap) I hate hustling but what other choice do I got
I got to make my dough not just sit here and rot
Certainly beats working a low paying’ 9 to 5
And every time I make my rounds I come back alive
So worry about us getting out of this hellhole unharmed
And make sure when the going gets tough you are armed
Been my homie for years and that has not changed since
Instead of criticizing what I do, give me a couple compliments
I’m not even forcing fiends to buy what I'm giving them
Hey, somehow got to make a little something in this mayhem
And sometimes you have to let some things just happen
Instead of struggling to survive id fancy finally getting rest- even in a coffin
No, I am not some sort of mixed up depressed angry suicidal
I’m just saying, why you want someone like me as your idol

(Singing) Protagonist:
Brought together by a guilty bystander whose mother didn’t care
I’m really lucky that you happened to be standing there

I know if it were up to you, you wouldn’t have given me a passing glance
This companionship is simply the result of unexpected circumstance

But I do still not like the fact you have to pedal coke to get by
Honestly, I would have no one but God if you were to die.

You even used your crib as a place for me to stay
OK, all I want you to do is realize that every day:

Chorus-You go out pull in quick dough
But you don’t stop to think twice
That you can get into a mix-up with some hoe
Or get blown to pieces in a game of dice
I hope you know you may or may not come back
And if you make it out some bum might shoot you from your stack
Well, if you feel you have no other option
Make sure you proceed with caution.

(Rap)
Listen, I promise you dawg, I will never let you down
Despite what I say sometimes, I do got luv for you
It’s just this craphole hood of a town
Can sometimes make you feel blue
Promise when I move out of here,
That you’re brought outta here as well
Make sure you have no more of this fear
Of this establishment of concrete hell.

Chorus x2

Answer 1

I think you need to keep the idea but rewrite and edit the "song". Your chorus is a bit lengthy and the syllables don't feel like they will work with a standard hip hop groove.
That's a tough call though because I'm reading what you wrote as opposed to hearing what you wrote.
If you don't already have a drum machine or a sequencer of some kind, go to this site and download the free beat maker and make some beats and say what you've written to an actual beat.
http://www.threechords.com/hammerhead/
I think once you do that you'll be better able to adjust your ideas in a form that's suited to the structure that I think you're trying to create.
Overall, it's a very good effort and you should pursue it to completion.
Here's a tip; if you don't already have one get an inexpensive tape recorder and record your lyrics and listen to them. If you download that free beat maker you can record your whole song. It'll be a rough cut for sure but it'll give you a better idea of what you're doing.
Good luck!

Answer 2

Okay, firstly, it is pretty good as far as imagery goes and your story is flowing. But - your meter is off alot and that has to be tightened up for it to work. You may have to rewrite some lines to make the meter of the song right. Have fun!

Answer 3

I don't like it, because it includes drugs and death and making a living from selling drugs, the easy fast way. Songs like this have a big impact on teenagers and they get all screwed up, because they identify themselves with it. No offense.

Answer 4

Without hearing the music, I can't critique it. Lyrics alone do not a song make.

Answer 5

I liked it. It's true in a lot of peoples lives especially in today's society. Good Luck

Answer 6

Your rap is tight.