When is it okay to break the "honor thy father and mother" commandment?

Question

There are lots of adults and children who are raised by very abusive parents. Why doesn't the Bible have an exception for these situations. I can't see someone who was mentally, physically and sexually abused having to honor the perpetrators! Why didn't the authors of the Bible think of that?

Answer 1

That's very interesting, but did you know that Jesus actually told people to HATE their parents? Here it is, right from the Bible:

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

Answer 2

When the bible was written, children had a different life and parents didn't abuse them. Abuse is a product of a society that's over worked, underpaid but wants everything, like me me me.
If children are mentally or physically abused, of course honor thy Father and Mother should not even be a consideration. People that abuse children, the elderly , animals etc, should be considered scum of the earth, and then we should have:
" an eye for an eye punishment."
A message to pooh bear: your answers are very knowledgeable but way too long. I get tired just reading them.

Answer 3

That's a hard one and a very real problem today. I think most children in that situation honor them regardless and then take off at a very young age. I don't think it is ever okay to break that commandment but you have to understand and be taught about it first. These children are probably never taught the Bible growing up so the authors/God would have no need to 'think of that'. Get it?

Answer 4

probably because when the ten commandments were written they didn't have to deal with alot of what we call abuse now. remember back then it was alright to beat your wife when the husband thought she disobeyed, let alone you children. Now the sexual abuse I'm not so sure of, it definitly would have been a sin but people back then were more fearful of their souls so I could see how that wouldn't have gone on atleast as often. Just remember the bible was wirtten for a time that is long since past and alot of what is in it was never meant to include alot of todays problems. But honestly to me if a child is being abused than I'd say the sin is on the parents not the child.

Answer 5

To understand the Bible better you should take a Bible class. FYI there are no authors of the Bible. Honoring your parents is a commandment because thy are the ones who gave you life. Who they are or what they do as a human can not be controlled but as Christians we need to forgive those who trespass against us.

Answer 6

The fifth commandment says “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land of the Lord your God is giving you.” (Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV) It sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? It is God’s commandment that we should honor our parents. The difficulty comes when things are less than honorable. What about the issue of abuse?

When the Bible tells us to honor our parents, the word honor means to esteem, respect and acknowledge. In its original language, the word honor means to “weigh heavy”. We are supposed to tip the scales of favor in our lives to recognize our parents. True honor is a gift we give freely to another person but it isn’t something that is demanded or blackmailed. There is often confusion between honor and obedience. Obedience is living under the command of another person and being subordinate while honor is a gift freely given.

To look at this contrast of terminology in another way, you may have a supervisor at work. If you have a personality problem with that supervisor, you might not like them personally but you still must be obedient in order to keep your job. However, if you and the supervisor get along and mutually respect each other, you will have no problem honoring them.

There is often a debate as to how a child or an adult is supposed to respond to God’s command to honor their parents especially if they have been abusive. Once we have clearly separated the definition of honor and obedience, we see that honor does not mean giving in to unreasonable demands. Honor does not mean cooperating with a dysfunctional person in an unhealthy behavior nor does that mean we should excuse abusive behavior either.

How can you honor abusive parents? First, you must forgive them. That doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with them and live happily ever after. In some situations, reconciliation may be healthy but not in every case. True forgiveness is a healthy process of removing hurtful people from your life so that you can live a healthy life without being in bondage to them. Reconciliation can occur only when both parties to a relationship want it to happen.
Whether or not we feel that our parents “deserve” honor is not the point. Our command is to honor them regardless. This can be quite difficult when the relationship has strife. Somehow we have to get to the place where we can deflect the things that cause offense to us. If nothing else, we must try. Does that mean we will have a happy and harmonious relationship? No. There are times when we must confront issues or correct a misunderstanding; however, we have no license to be rude or obnoxious either. (James 1:19)

God expects us to honor our parents. He calls us to be the responsible ones through thoughtful acts of love toward those whom He says we must honor. You and I are not accountable for our parents’ response. They may refuse our love and honor. They may not forgive us for our mistakes. They may not even ask us to forgive them for how they have treated us. Our responsibility is simply to obey God, to trust Him, and let Him work in their hearts on our behalf.

But also in the Bible it tells the father not to do things that will provoke the child.

Ephesians 6:1-4:

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.


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Answer 7

Honoring parents does not mean submitting to abuse. Honor is about an attitude I choose to have toward them even if they behave in a dishonorable way. It doesn't mean abuse should be tolerated.

Answer 8

As much as I believe a lot of what the Bible has to say, I will maintain that a lot of it was written by men who had to have a way of controlling women & children. Not everything in there came straight from God.
When you consider half the atrocities that the church perpetrated on the world, in the name of God, you have to wonder what God would sit down & dish out those kinds of treatment to his children.
As to your question, that gets broken the minute they screw you over.

Answer 9

I believe that you should honor your father and mother only if they deserve that honor. A man I once knew told me, "Why should I respect adults when adults don't always do respectful things?" I believe this saying can be applied to that commandment as well.

Answer 10

God doesn't say honor thy father and mother if you agree with them. The commandments should never be broken. It's not up to you to break the commandment. It's not your job. God will deal with the abusive parents in his own way.