Help please, i need some advice?

Question

my life seems like it's falling apart. my fiance and i are in the process of getting married, but because he is on a visa we need approval from the govt first. they have just sent our application back to us causing 8 more weeks of waiting. my fiance is not working due to his visa situation, i am a student, with only part time job paying peanuts, my cousin was killed in car accident last night, we have no food, no money and i have no real friends i can talk to. my family is living in South Africa so they are so far away. i just don't know what to do to sort everything out. i feel so defeated and have nil self-confidence. my fiance doesn't know how to help me. i find myself crying constanly not being able to stop.

i know some of you are gonna give me answers like i just feel sorry for myself, but i just don't know what to do anymore.

Im in the Uk, and my college is a sort of home study kinda place, so there's no one there for me to talk to. and on top of it all, im falling behind in my studies as it's self study and im running out of time to finish it. we have no insurance and we can't go to the welfare system here in the UK because my fiance is on a visa we can't resort to public funds or anything like that.

My fiance and i are reasdy to get married. we've been together for 4 years and have know from day dot that we are meant to be together. That's the one thing that is keeping me sane, nkowing he is here for me and that he loves me and wants to marry me.

Answer 1

Hello, I'm so very sorry to hear of the terrible time your going through. Ignore anyone that tells you to pull yourself together or just get on with it. I do agree with one of the other answers that perhaps this is not the best place to ask but I guess your at your wits end.
You need friends and support at a time like this - you also need to talk. Crying is good - not hiding or bottling things up.
Although your fiance may not be able to do anything practical, which often our partners want to do, he can help by listening and caring. You're in all this together.
I would urge you to speak to your doctor. Tell him/her how your feeling, perhaps some short term medication to get you over this time may help. In the long term counselling would certainly help you get over the sudden loss of your family member.
I'm not sure where you live but there are helplines - for example the samaritans that may be of use. Sometimes just getting it all out to a stranger helps.
Your not going mad, your just human and going through a really difficult time. Go easy on yourself, your doing your best.
I hope you don;t find any of this too patronising, It may help to know I am a counsellor.
My thoughts are with you.

Answer 2

You really have got too much to deal with. Any one of these problems would be a big issue for any one of us.
Of course you're crying. That doesn't mean that you have depression though. Its normal to cry when you're upset. Your fiance's visa application being knocked back would make you upset and cry, so would your cousins death.
Having no money doesn't mean you can get dole money though, I guess you already know that.
You really need practical support and emotional support, and I think you need to get these from different places.
Your first problem is the money and food. Your fiance is here on a visa and can't work or claim dole; but you can't support 2 people on a part time job. If there is student support open now you must go and ask for help and tell them what happened. Don't try to deal with all this on your own.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of pretty stressful things happening all at once. I can imagine dealing with all those stressful events alone can be pretty overwhelming.
It is probably a good idea for you to try and seek some outside professional help. If you are a student, most likely your school has mental health programs avaliable for students. Or if you have medical insurance of any kind, you can sometimes use that for therapy sessions...some therapists do accept insurance.
Generally though, before you do any of that, it's important for you to acknowledge that you are working super hard right now...handling all of that stuff at once is a pretty big job. And it's definately important for you to acknowledge how hard of a job it is.
You mentioned that you have no real friends and no family in the area, which I can imagine is also very hard...it may be good for you to try and find a support system...one thing you can do is call your local suicide hotline. I know the hotline in this area serves people in states of crisis, not just people who are suicidal. The volunteers on a suicide hotline are there to be active and supportive listeners, which may be what you need right now. And calling them should be free. The national referral number is 1-800-suicide. They should be able to give you the local number in your area.
Whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out the best for you. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now, and I hope that you are able to find a place to feel supported.

Answer 4

I know that it can feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong, but hold on. a death can be very devastating for everyone especially people close to the deceased person. just remember that life has a few stages and they always end in death, its just part of life. I know that 8 weeks may feel like a life time for a visa to come through, but once its through you'll feel like a huge weight has came off your shoulders and you'll feel much better.

it sounds to me like you just need someone to talk to, feel free to message me for my e mail address and I'll try and help you, if you can't do that then there is a very good web site where you can put all of your feelings down its www.opendiary.com.

although you may feel alone, there is lots of people that are willing to listen and talk to you.

try the dole for the money problems, i know that you said that since you are at college you can't get money, but you can, make an appointment with the job centre adn explain that you can't afford food and they can give you comthing called a crisis loan that you can pay back at £5 a week, ask them about this, they don't normally tell anyone about these's.

good luck and I'm sure everything will turn out OK. xx

Answer 5

Just remember things will always get better. You are struggling now but just think of how happy you will be in the future. You will get married, sort out your finances so you can live happily and get all the things you want. Focus on getting through this rough patch but don't worry it won't last for ever. Always remember that you have a man who loves you very much for emotional support even if he doesn't know exactly what to do or say. I would do anything for my girlfriend and I'm sure your fiance is the same.

Answer 6

Oh my goodness....it sounds like there is way too much happening all at once. You must be completely overwhelmed. I would recommend going to the counseling center at your school/college/university. They can help provide you with some support and give you referrals if needed. If that's not comfortable, but you have insurance, find a therapist on your plan and make an appt. If all else fails, look for a low-fee therapist in your community.

(I'm listing UK therapy links below...) Hope this helps. Good luck to you. You deserve support! :) It's great that you have the love and support of your fiance!

Answer 7

I'm so sorry about your current life difficulties. All I can tell you is that you have to dry your tears, lift your head up, and really focus about what your current life cirumstance is telling you. 1) Grieve for the death of your friend. Reach out to her family and let them know how much you appreciated her friendship and how much you will miss her. They will find comfort in knowing that she had a loyal and loving friend. 2) You simply cannot, and shoud not, get married at this time. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but true love doesn't solve all of our problems. Your fiance needs to first straighten out his immigration status and focus on a career goal - on his own. He needs to get his life situation straightened out so he can be a loving, kind, and supporting partner. 3) You need to seriously concentrate on your stuides so that you can pull yourself up and out of your economic situation right now. Meet with a college counselor or the college financial aid office first thing on Monday morning. Tell them about your situation and why you want to stay in school. It's likely they'll find a way to help you. Whether it's through a scholarship, grant, or loan. Don't worry about needing to pay back the loan - if you graduate you will certainly get a better paying job and you can pay the loan off in the future.

So, dry those tears (even though you certainly needed to let them fall). You can do this!!

Answer 8

OHHHHHHHHHHKAY!

Honey, sometime everyone's life will fall apart. From losing someone you love a lot to no friends sounds a bit harsh though. Look. You have to step back and list all the things you just did again. Here, I'll do some of it for you.

visa/marriage
cousin
food
money
friends
family/South Africa
fiance (again)
insurance
etc.

Next to each thing you have to list how you're going to fix it. I'll try and do a few for you, but you'll have to figure it out on your own eventually.

visa/marriage-wait. you can't rush the government

cousin-pray that he went to heaven and go to his funeral, it wasn't your fault

food-McDonald's is cheap. live off of it for a little. substitute fries for apple burger for salad

money-get a better job. if you work at McDs they'll probably give you a discount. I know it's not perfect, but it will be soon.

friends-your "friends" didn't want to get very caught up in your drama, try being yourself but not always having to talk about you.

family/South Africa-I can't tell you much except to love them and call them every Friday night or something. They love you.

fiance (again)- If he can't help you, it's one of two things. He is not the one or he doesn't want all the drama. He's probably stressed out too. No job and waiting to hear if he can come and marry you.

insurance-you NEED insurance. if something bad happens you could end up paying more then twice of what you would have owed.

You're not the only one with plenty of drama. You'll work through it if you give yourself a chance.

Answer 9

Wow!

The answer you got from "chic" about making the list is probably the best advice i've heard all day!

Seriously, if you're not trying to fix the problem, you're perpetuating it. The list will help you to focus your energy and allow you to get it out of your mind for a bit once it's on the paper.

Good luck! Persevierance pays off (i know i spelled that wrong, lol)

Answer 10

I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I am sorry about the loss of your cousin.

There are crises centers that you can call to talk to someone. Talking always helps. Prayer helps too. Don't forget he always listens.

Things cannot get worse. Keep your chin up and do the best you can do. They will get better. It is OK to have the days when you are upset and crying, but if it happens everyday, you should see your doctor about depression. I believe that you are having a situational depression and you can climb out of it with faith and friends. Don't be afraid of asking to speak to someone in your school or local church. They will always have someone to talk to. I will be praying for you.