Please someone help me understand my boyfriend.?

Question

We have been together five years. He has two children, I have two and one together. He is a great provider for all of us. My problem is he is not very affectionate. In the bedroom he is great but other than that nothing. I come from a family that hugs and tells each other we love you all the time. He will never offer to hug or kiss me I have to do it or aske for a hug. He said he loves me but he is just not a mushy person. How can giving someone a hug be mushy. He never tells me he loves me. We have absolutely no romance in our relationship. He works nights and I work days so he is home when the kdis get out of school so we dont have to pay daycare. I get home at 5:40 pm and he walks out as soon as I am home. He gets home at 6 am when i am up getting the kids ready for school. I feel like I am taken for granted. He feels that I dont need the little things that matter. I am not a materialistic person. A hug or a kiss would completly shut me up. How do I handle this.help

Answer 1

well , you have been living together for 5 years.and why did it take you 5 years to know what you were not getting?? you said in your qn that he said he loved you ( and 2 lines down contradict it )
hey , some guys are like that. may be he is a bit shy .
even if marlyn mantro offers to hug and kiss me in public I will decline only. ( will ask her if it can be arranged in private ) . hmm. highly unlikely.
does your BF know that you like these little things of affection ?
he definitely like you . you said its great in the bedroom. so he must think you rather hot. else , is it possible to have great time in bed? that is even in the 5th year?
from what you have written , I think he doesn't have other serious drawbacks. I mean , count your blessings too.
middle aged males generally think they are privilaged to fart explosively in public. does he have this problem? if not , you are lucky again. (Ref: One of Stephen King's characters in 'Cujo' says he was "farting his way through life like a defective rocket" )

Answer 2

Some suggestions might be marriage counseling to help you get the point across if he takes your suggestions for granted, or perhaps a shift change by one of you would help I think spending more time together is a BIG plus!!but i think the worst thing you could do is nothing because this will just eat you up!I was married to someone similar and I left him we are now back together living apart after a separation date of 6 years ago we had some other problems that are working out he has change some and I have changed some but we still have a few issues that are still working out... a high cost to pay but I think if we would have takin some counseling we might have worked some things out with out the cost of a divorce ....good luck I am sure he loves you very much but some times both parties involved have to give a little....

Answer 3

This is a hard one. It is very hard to change someone. If he was like this when you met him than you will most likely have to except him the way he is. If he was one where in the beginning he did everything right and was affectionate then you have a chance. If you can sit and talk with him you must do it. It sounds like he is a work-a-halic and you both are so busy that their is no time for affection. Most people when they come home from work want to sit and rest and not feel pawed over, espically a man. His mind is running so fast on getting to work and then comming home and taking care of the kids that he just does not have time(in his mind) to rest enough to relax and miss your affection. We as woman think different from men, unfortunatly. We are sensitive and loving and want that little bit of affection and romance to reassure us that we are loved but most men do not think that way unless the woman is totally ignoring them. They feel everyting is fine and going smooth as long as your attention is still on them, like trying to get the hug and kiss, but if you start ignoring that and just say Hi and bye to him as you are coming and going then he will stop and think what's up. I am not really telling you to ignor him, I am using that as an example. The only thing that is going to help is one of you needs to change your hours or stop working. You need the family time together. Good luck, I know how you feel.

Answer 4

Ur BF sounds a lot like me. I've had the same said about me from my kids' father. I was not raised in a family where we were huggy and kissy. Aside from my father occasionally saying it we never heard the phrase "I Love You". It's just not 2nd nature for me to be affectionate, I know, that's not good. But I almost feel like I have to force it. Maybe ur BF has grown up the same way. Just like it wouldn't feel natural for U to withhold affection, U have to understand his point of view. All I can say is that things can't be forced. Just show him how much U love him, and though he may not say it, hopefully, he can express it through his actions. Another thing, U guys have got to find time for each other. If ur already feeling rejected because of lack of affection, not spending anytime together could further complicated ur relationship. Sit down and talk to ur BF and tell him how ur feeling and hopefully, he'll open up to U. I don't think that it should matter who makes the first move as long as it is received well and reciprocated the same. Good luck.

Answer 5

The guy is getting beat up working so hard for FIVE KIDS AND A NAGGING GIRLFRIEND. Sounds like he's checked out emotionaly. Have a date night where YOU plan the romance and show him what YOU like. Don't expect him to do it at first. Sometimes you have to show the other person what and how you want things done. Buy yourself flowers and make yourself happy first. Then shower him with love. And tallk to him about the importance that a hug and kiss are simple forms of affection to you. And please tell him how much you appreciate his hard work and being an excellent provider for his and your kids. Nothing means more to a man than appreciation for his efforts and being valued for who he is.

Answer 6

Hello hugless,

I'm not too much into hugging either but, I don't see what the harm would be for your boyfriend to give you a little hug every now and then.

If he's not giving you what you want in the relationship, maybe it's time to find someone who will.

I know you guys have a child together but, that's not enough to stay in a one sided relationship...trust me I know.

Maybe it's something at work that puts him this state of mind when he's home.

Try to get some answers and see where that leads. Other wise, you might want to get him a teddy bear to practice his hugging techniques.

Answer 7

You feel like your on the bottom of his list of priorities. That if he's being affectionate it's because he wants sex. I hear you. I've been there too. Sometimes men are horrible at reading the signals. My ex used to try to give me affection while I was doing dishes, had my head in the oven, dealing with the kids or half asleep in the morning. I subconsciously would push him away.
Then I would complain he never gave me affection. And I felt he only did when he wanted sex. He told me he didn't know when was the right time. He says he tries but I push him away. He was frustrated with being rejected.
I also was in the same kind of relationship another time. I always was going to him for affection. It was received well, but I started to feel resentful because I always had to go to him. So I backed off. He noticed and I explained to him how I felt. He said it was because I was so affectionate. He felt like he never really had a chance to do it first.
I say do it. Go to him when you need affection and cuddling. If all else fails try counseling. Good luck

Answer 8

oh ok that is not a big isue but i know what u mean exactly! look i don't want u to tell him anything but when he come back home u whisper in his ears and tell him i love ya and kiss his cheek and se what he'll do!try to always make him try to express his felings!comeon u r maried and even thought that ur work is different in hours he should let his emotions out to make ur love nest grow and glow,so always try to make the sex more playefull and always talk while u play and let him try to express how he feels and tease him until he says i love ya or hug u and say i love u in ur ears try it step by step he may be the guy that always feel likes showing emotions is a weakeness try to break that in and after time to time he'll hug and kis u when get back from work it just neds time hope that helps u cos u sounds like u care alot about and he also and i hope u work this out:).

Answer 9

Tell him how you feel. Maybe he came from a family that did'nt express thier feelings and so he is just not used to it. Just go up to him and give him big hugs and kisses and tell him that you love him all the time, what is he going to do not hug and kiss you back?

Answer 10

I do not know if there is much you can do. It sounds as though he has been this way for a while. I am sure you have voiced your feelings already. If he is not willing to try to change there is not much you can do. HE has to want to change. With guys like this they show their affection by the way they provide for their families.