I used to hang out with guys and drink and dance all night. My current boyfriend knew about the past, but also knew that it wasn't really my character. I broke away from the crowd and stopped going out when I met him.
We got in a fight because I played video games with the guys from work. He was upset and said he didn't want me to be like I used to be. Is it fair? Why couldn't he just say that he didn't want me to go out with the guys because it's disrespectful to him?
2006-08-27 02:49:28 · 20 answers · asked by torn 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
First of all, he got mad because he is insecure about you being around those other men. If anything... don't argue just tell him that he has nothing to worry about and that if it makes him feel uncomfortable you will not do that anymore. He is wrong for bringing up the past but just understand that he basically is scared of losing you which he thinks will eventually happen if you do those things. Take the higher road on this one and just tell him these things and let it go. He loves you thats all.
2006-08-27 02:54:43 · answer #1 · answered by Btieti 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, just playing video games with your friends is NOT a bad thing. I don't see the part that is "disrespectful" to him. Unless there was more than that involved, which i doubt.
He is getting insecure, and you can't change yourself for him. I am not sure how you are going to work this out.
It's not fair to bring the past up in an argument, but unfortunately, it always does...
2006-08-27 09:59:28 · answer #2 · answered by Phaedrus 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well did you just used to "hang out" with the guys? Or did you "sleep" with the guys?
If I had more information I could answer you better. If all you did was just dance and drink, then there is not reason to say anything about the past. If you slept with the guys, then there is no reason to bring it up either, but this would be jealousy, and you might not want to be dealing with that issue either.
Good Luck
2006-08-27 09:54:34 · answer #3 · answered by cinson1999 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I believe that what one did in the past before you met the one your with is none of their business and it should not be thrown up in your face.
Unless what you did in the past was illegal or in some way has been brought with you into your life as it is now, it is none of anyone else's concern.
Just tell your boyfriend that your past belongs to YOU and not to HIM. And he should not be judging you from your past. He should not be judging you PERIOD.
And tell him to have a little faith in you and in your relationship. If he has none then maybe he is not the person you should be with.
But as for you hanging out with the "boys" that is not a cool thing to be doing. It IS disrespectful to your partner.
Stop and think how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Would you like it if he was at home hanging out with a bunch of females? Or would you feel a little hurt by it?
Stop and think before you act. Because with every action there is a reaction.
2006-08-27 10:02:03 · answer #4 · answered by ETxYellowRose 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not fair, but it is bound to happen. Our pasts are what shapes us into who we are today and who we will be tomorrow. We can learn from our past and make better decisions for today and tomorrow or we can fall back into our past habits and cause problems in our today and tomorrow. My ex husband was a notorious liar who cheated on me repeatedly. If we argued, I was bound to bring up his philandering ways. I didn't forget it just because it was in the past. Plus, he kept doing the same thing over and over. I was the fool for playing the game with him. Your boyfriend is probably afraid that you still have some of the same tendencies that you had in the past and he doesn't want you to act on those tendencies. He shouldn't throw it up in your face but unless he feels secure in your relationship, he will. He probably said the first thing that came to mind and your past was that. He probably wanted to say that going out with other guys was being disrespectful to him but he knew that he could strike a nerve with you a lot quicker if he brought up the past. Fair...NO. Life...YES. Sorry, but if you expect everything to be fair within a relationship, you may be disappointed. Just set a boundary on what you can and will tolerate and stick to it. Other than that, expect other things that may not be fair.
2006-08-27 10:03:20 · answer #5 · answered by intentionalmasterpiece 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People usually only bring up the past when it has a direct bearing on a present issue or if it has the potential to be a problem in the future. Apparently, he sees this as a similar issue.
Other than that, the past should stay in the past.
2006-08-27 09:55:17 · answer #6 · answered by Avid 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right, your past before you started dating him was irrelevant in this discussion. If he has insecurities about how you spent your time with guys in the past, it might be a sign that he isn't sure you have changed. Also, it is easy to accuse or suspect a person of doing something if they are doing the same.
Hopefully, either isn't the case and he just doesn't know how to effectively express himself in a disagreement.
2006-08-27 10:03:54 · answer #7 · answered by HotSpicy_Creole 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No - it is not fair to bring up the past. Arguments should have rules (I really mean this) and bringing up the past is an automatic forfeit of the argument. Wounds will never heal if you keep picking at them over and over.
2006-08-27 09:54:16 · answer #8 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is fair to bring up the past, if the past was 5 or 10 minutes before. months or years ago, not fair.
2006-08-27 10:00:21 · answer #9 · answered by sinned 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Should you have done what you did before talking to him about it first? No. Should he have thrown your past in your face? No. He was probably mad at you for hanging out with those guys without talking to him first, so that was his way of getting back at you. Just let him know that you're sorry for what you did, but that it was uncool of him to have handled it the way he did.
2006-08-27 09:56:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋