Lying?!?! At wits ends!!!?

Question

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter. We've always have had a hard time dealing with her lying. Right now shes going back into counseling. Shes had a hard first few years. I know kids do their best to lye so they dont get into trouble but we are really good at telling our kids to tell us the truth cause if we find out the punishment is worse. We give her an out all the time so she knows each time to fess up now. My son gets it and cant stand to see me upset. Her, forget it. Our kids have accidents every once in a while and we tell them if they do to take their clothes and sheets into the laundry room. This morning, i could tell she had an accident and she said she didnt. She later gave me a pair of my sons underwear and said it was wet. Come to find out later, she wet them with water trying to blame him. We are at our wits ends. Any body go through this too?

Shes not in bed with her brother! We have a 2 bedroom house right now and they have bunk beds. Trust me, we've tried everything. Extra chores, soap in mouth, daddy spanking her, lose of priveledges, you name it.

First of all, she hasnt been spanked in along time and spanking is not abusive if you do it right. Second, she is on meds for adhd and she also takes pills at night to help make her muscles strong to hold it longer through the night. She has been to the doctor and some kids wet the bed till they are 12. Its very normal for this to happen. She DOESN'T get in trouble for wetting the bed, im not stupid. She gets in trouble for lying. No its not the only thing she lies about. A couple of months ago she cut her hair and lied for 2 weeks about till she finally gave up and told. I told you, I give my kids an out. They are to tell me right now if they are lying, if I find out later, then they get into trouble more. SHE DOES NOT NEED SPECIAL ED!!

Some of you read into things a little much. Im not a cruel parent, I just asked for a little advice on lying...geesh!! No where did I imply that I think of her as an evil child and my son the good one....that was low. I said she blamed him..he wasnt even here at the time. You people can get so judgemental!!!

For one, I wish this didnt turn into the problem with her having accidents. Both of my kids have accidents now and then and we dont embarress them. That was just ONE incident of lying ok. Get over the fact that some of you are pointing fingers at us thinking we are cruel parents and its our fault shes like she is. I love my kids, all of them. When they both are arguing, they both get into trouble. We are a good Christian family who is dealing with her mothers past with her. Things have changed, more than any of you know. As for praising her good things. We do that all the time. Everytime we can we are building her self esteem. She is the goalie for her soccer team, not just any team, but its a travel team and it costs like 1,000 dollars. We made it a point that when its about her, its all about her. She knows we are proud of her. She had stopped lying in the past, but now it started again. She has a lot of her bio-mother in her. She was really bad at lying.

Answer 1

Wow. This sounds a LOT like my x-stepbrother back when I was 11 and he was 9.... He too was a compulsive liar, attention getter, bed wetter, and instigator of MANY problems.

#1 Thing I can suggest is please don't coddle her. Accidents happen (bed wetting) but a child needs to know the difference between laziness and an actual medical problem. No drink at least an hour - 2 hrs before bed somewhat helps this issue. As for the lies - make it known when you catch her in a lie. Show her the proof that you know she's lied. Let her know that she can't get away with it and that the lies dissappoint you and her father.

Sounds like you have a massive case of rebellion on your hands hon. You and your husband need to show the kids a combined parential unit and totally be on the same page with discipline and encouragement. If your step-daughter feels that Daddy will go easier on her, she'll just make things harder on YOU. Lay out the groundwork of what is expected of her, punishments for the stuff she does, and DO NOT back down from it. If she has to go the whole school year with no TV, no friends over, no games... So be it. Her behavior is not only harmful to herself, but it's harming your family. Make sure you and your husband talk to your son (away from the daughter) and make sure he's doing okay with all of this. There could be some sibling abuse that you aren't aware of happening (my parents weren't aware of it with me at that stage). Support both children equally, make the rules equal for both, and never hesitate to praise good actions a much as you punish the bad ones.
Best of luck with this one hon. Keep your faith in your family and stay strong!

Answer 2

Nine years old is rather old to be wetting the bed don't you think? Your daughter certainly seems to thinks so! Does she lie about other things, or is it just the bed wetting? I'll bet that if you can get her to stop wetting the bed, she'll show a remarkable improvement. Besides, nine is really too old to still be wetting the bed. She's almost old enough for sleepovers, and once she gets to be twice this age... well, if you haven't fixed the bed wetting thing by then, her eighteenth birthday is likely to be the last you see of her.

There may be a medical problem here. Some drugs can make kids likely to wet the bed. I know some medications for ADD will do this. If she's on meds, talk to the doctors to see if this is a cause of it.

Spanking is not supposed to be used on someone with the mental capacity to speak, reason, and understand right and wrong. If your daughter is not capable of these three abilities by now, you need to stop worrying about lying, AND bed wetting, and start worrying about special ed. In some states, spanking is considered child abuse, possibly even child molestation if she's nine years old, and your daughter can report you. I'm not saying you deserve that sort of thing, I'm just saying that lying and bed-wetting is no reason to risk getting child protective services involved.

High stress environments can sometimes cause bed wetting too... and a nine year old that risks getting spanked is in a high stress environment. do you punish them for wetting the bed? Do you tell anyone? Hey, why not teach her to do her own laundry. I could do it when I was nine. Then she can wash her own sheets and not get all embarrased over a little accident.

Get her a comforter, and one of those plastic things for the mattress, if you don't already, and maybe don't give them much to drink before bed time... but remember, you're not trying to keep sheets clean, you're trying to raise good kids.

Answer 3

I'm starting to wonder if some of the previous answerers graduated from the Joan Crawford's Mommie Dearest School of Parenting. You said she is going back into counseling, so obviously she's not your typical 9 year old. My daughter was at one time such a deep sleeper that when she was 7, she would sometimes wet the bed. I realized that the problem wasn't with her bladder or laziness one night when I heard her vomiting in her sleep. To make matters worse, when she had an accident(yes, only one) at her dad's her dad & stepmom made her wear diapers. As if that wasn't humiliating enough, they kept the diapers in clear view for all to see, including my daughters friends, which of course left my daughter to lie to her friends & say they were her lil sisters. That did more harm than you could ever imagine. In your question, you make sure to clarify between your son( the perfect child) & your(evil, horrible) stepdaughter. Maybe if you didn't compare the two she wouldn't feel the need to try to get him in trouble in order to lessen her grief. Pick your battles carefully and maybe look into a little Family Counseling

Answer 4

My girls lie but they are still just 4 and 2. My 4 yr old use to have a bad habit of that but when we caught her lying we would put hot pepper juice or sauce in her mouth. A couple times of that and we broke her. I doubt that will help one of that age. I have always believed in a good butt beatin works for almost anything. I have a niece though that is doing those same things. Its like everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. No one ever believes her ever. Her mom has given her dish duty for 3 months and grounded and taken stuff from her but it just don't seem to work. I tell her mom to just strip her room bare to where she has nothing to do. Then let her earn her stuff back. If she continues to get worse than u may have to go as far as taken her pillow and bed sheets off her bed to where all she has in her room is a bed. I've always believed in this and then one day even Dr. Phil used it. My other sister-n-law used for my nephew and it so worked. She made him earn his toys back one by one and if he was good for an whole month then she would give himsomething big or several things. I know it works!! Its hard and to some seems cruel but hey you have teach your kids. I wish you lots of luck!!!

Answer 5

I can understand why you are at wits end. . .some children are just more difficult than others. Try to remember that this will pass.

Can you find opportunities to catch her doing good things? I'm not trying to be a Pollyana but maybe if you can help her to build her confidence and change her perception that she is a "bad kid" (I'm not saying you say that but kids sometimes get odd ideas in their heads) then maybe she'll start to feel confident and comfortable. . .or at the very least cut down on the number of incidents or remind you of her good qualities when you're at your wits end.

Answer 6

I would flat out stop asking her about things you know has happened. Quit giving her a chance to lie at stuff whenever you can. Its ok to ask which choice of vegies to eat or shirts to wear, but if its something important like her homework or she had an accident, just tell her to go do it. Don't bother asking those questions you know she's likely to lie about.

It probably the one thing that has kept my kids from lie to me. My husband has yet to figure that trick out and will still "catch" our kids lying to him (despite my asking him why he even bothered to ask). My 7yo daughter will always tell us no if we are out and we ask if she needs to use the restroom. I quit asking when I knew and just took her and told her to go use it. At first it kinda embaressed her, but I explained it to her that if she starts being resposible enough to ask on her own I would stop showing up at the restrooms. 6 months later and I'm actaully seeing results.

The only complication with this tactic is sibling fights. Kids quickly fall into the old "he said, she said" bickering. So take them both to seperate corners and ask why the other kid is hurt.

I would keep up with the counseling for other issues that may be compounding the lying issue.
best of luck to you.

Answer 7

It sounds like you're doing great with her! It's nice to hear of some truly caring parents. Try being consistant in punishments, set the punishment, and carry it through every time. There are some VERY good books and ideas on this website that I have seen proven over and over. www.nogreaterjoy.org I'll be praying for you!

Answer 8

You are doing all the right thinks but it just isn't working. Have you had her tested for ODD (oppositional Defiance Disorder) this can go hand in hand with ADHD. Hope the councelling gets on top of it.
With the bedwetting have you tried the mat and bell tecnique. It worked wonders for my daughter. When she wets the bell go's off. It trains the brain to connect the "full bladder feeling" with waking up to go to the toilet.
I wish you luck

Answer 9

there is a book Parenting with Love and Logic It has a chapter on Lying and how to handle it I would reccomend the book. it has some great ideas to alot of topics in dealing with any child.

Answer 10

Sounds like she is overdue for a good spanking!

Good Lord, we have some real pompous windbags below. There is no more effective punishment, than a good, sound old fashioned spanking and it sounds like it's just been too long. If done right, it's perfectly wholesome and legal.