Advice about my sister?

Question

We have a very close relationship, always talking, phoning and seeing each other, and without having to supply massive detail or reason, she's having a very tough time of it at the moment (and I mean visits from the baliffs, eviction notices etc), AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS IS THROUGH NO FAULT OF HER OWN. Although I'm trying to be supportive as I can, and do as much as I can, it feels as if she has cut me off - she won't talk to me etc and I want to be there for her, but it seems she's having none of it - it feels like she's turning into a recluse. She has medical issues which I feel are being exagerated by all the stress she is under. What can I do to make her know I'm here and I care? I don't want her to be doing this on her own.

Serious answers only please, I don't need people lecturing, or shouting put-downs or insults, as I haven't been able to explain the whole history or situation. Thanks.

Just want to say thanks to you all for your answers, I can pick something out from nearly all of them that is useful or on the button, not so sure I can choose a best one - they're all deserving!

Answer 1

Could be that she is embarassed or humiliated by the whole situation. Or she may feel that she should be old enough to sort it out on her own.
Are you having any problems in your own private life? (Not being nosy, just something to think about.) She may feel that you are going through a hard time and doesn't want to burden you.
Otherwise have a chat, let her know you are there for her and check in a couple of times a week.
If you have some spare cash you could even take her for a night out or take round a bottle of wine and a takeaway to cheer her up.
But above all try and make sure she is dealing with her situation and not burying her head in the sand, try not to be pushy about it or she may drive you further away.

Answer 2

speaking from experience, she's probably feeling a whole mix of emotions, not least of all failure, guilt, shame. She might feel she has messed up big time and that you all think the same, she might feel you're all talking about her and that she's best off going through this alone.
The best advice I can give you is to keep telling her this happens all the time to the best of people. it's much more common these days for people to seek help for financial crisis. She's not alone and she will get through it.
Don't say things like 'why didn't you ask for help?' or 'I know how you feel', just remind her that there's a lot of people going through the exact same thing, and that the more help and advice she can get from people trained in money matters the better.
Remind her that it's not the end of the world and tell her that you accept she might need some time on her own, but that now and then you just like to know she's there. Reinforce that despite her current problems, she's still your sister, that hasn't changed, and never will.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, it may not seem so to her right now, she probably feels she's sinking in a quagmire of debt and that no-one else in the world has ever been in this situation. The truth is many people have been and have come through it.

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear things are bad for your sister, I too have been in a similar situation. She has probably taken advice regarding her debts, if she hasn't do get her to go see the citizens advice, as bad it all is even the most difficult of debt situations can be sorted out and these people can keep the wolfs at bay. Your sister has obviously had enough and sometimes talking continually about these things just gets too much. Go see her when you know she will be in and while making sure she is taking these matters in hand with someone, talk about other things too and more importantly get her out of that house which has probably become a bit of a prison. I wish you all the luck in the world, but do make sure she is taking advice as you know some of these debts if they are not termed priority debts could be wrote off with help. Take care

Answer 4

I would buy a cheerful looking card and write a note inside telling her how much you care but that you don't want to put pressure on her. You're there when she's ready for you.

Perhaps send her some flowers to help cheer her up too.

When I am really low I just want to curl up with a duvet, a jar of nutella and a good book. Your sister is probably closing down, trying to deal with her troubles and she may not have the mind space to reassure you that all is ok.

Also, she may feel that your life is much better than hers and it is possible that she may feel some (unwarranted) resentment.

Do you know someone who has contact with her who could reassure you of her condition/keep you up to date?

I am sure that after the worst has past she will come back to you and you'll be close again. Don't blame yourself or question your actions - sounds like you're being a great sister.

Hope it gets sorted soon.

Answer 5

Keep calling, leave nice, supportive messages, etc. Maybe take a casserole over or something (in my family food is love...) Make a point to invite her out ALOT, to a movie, for dinner, for a walk, whatEVER. Just keep asking. Nicely.

Even though it's difficult watch somebody you care about struggle or make bad decisions, you can't help people who won't let you. And you can't change the way she feels but you can be supportive. Even though she may not let you know it, your support *does* matter. The tricky thing is not to let her know that you are hurt, frustrated or angry. That way she can come to you when shes ready, with no weird feelings.

Good luck! We've all faced similar situations, just do the best you can!

Answer 6

If you are near enough, go and visit her and take a small gift that will cheer her up and let her know that you are thinking about her.
If you cannot visit, ring her and also write to her so she has something to hold in her hand to remind her that you are there for her.

I went through an awful time a while back and was on anti-depressants for a few months and shut myself off as much as possible. If she is feeling the way that I was, she thinks she is not worth your attention so you need to prove to her that you think that she is.
Send her a card that lets her know that you love her, think about her and want to help her. Keep on being there for her and the message will eventually get through.

Answer 7

Financial/health problems can turn people into absolute nervous wrecks - afraid to answer the phone / door or open post. All you can do is let her know you're there for her, and that you'll support her as much as yuo can. Maybe write (and I means *write*) a letter so she recognises your handwriting telling her of your support. Suggest the Citizens Advice Bureau for financial advice, and if neccessary a solicitor as it isn't her fault.

Don't let her shrink away, but don't come on too strong - then she will vanish. Find out the situation she's in and do some research; and most of al, let her know you will support her.

Answer 8

there are so many beauty-full cards out there with true heart felt messages. or write your own just keep on letting your sister know you are there.dint give up and don't stop.ask your sister to make an appointment with citizen's advice they are experts.and help millions of people everyday. i am on of those people, again threw no fault of my own ( just too soft and too trusting ) the ad visors have nearly always been in positions like this themselves. there is a way out, easier than we think. please phone. back to your sister she may feel embarrassed about the position shes let her self get into ( i was) but don't give up on her cards a hand written letter, anything to say shes not alone tell her not to be embarrassed there are millions out there with the same problem. give her hugs loads of them. good luck best wishes Anita

Answer 9

Nz she is so stressed out and probably getting so worried and doesn't know if she is coming or going .
She probably is getting into a state where she feels no one can help her.
I don't know all the details if its rented house or mortgage .
can you reassure a room if worst comes to worst if its a mortgage she could just sell house tell mortgage people thats whats she is doing and see if they hold off and apply for housing no one likes losing there home but selling would clear the debt and ease her mind or unless you have the money to help her out and ask for small installment to pay it back .
just call and see whats up and tell her help is out there .
I've been there done that just make sure she is not buriying her head in sand .
even suggest you help in making calls to the companies involved if she can even make some token payments.

I hope everything goes ok for her and i know my advice isn't much but hope some maybe helps.

Answer 10

I would leave her be as she will come to you when ready. I'm sure she knows you are there for her but to much persistence will lead her to be pissed off and she will most probably blank you even more. Make sure she doesn't bury her head in the sand and get her to speak to the people she owes money to and make an offer of payment. They will accept nominal payments, say £5 per month/week. They are bastards and will not give up chasing for money, its in their interests to accept any offer of payment. It WILL get sorted out, however desperate the situation is. Get her to see a doctor, some happy pills work. i have had some for similar circumstances, she is not alone, thousands of people feel the pinch of the finances. average debt in UK is £15000. Be happy.