What would you do?

Question

My mot her and i don't get along at all. I havent lived with her for about a year. Sometimes she comes and gets my daughter and other times she says shell watch her and never shows up or wont answer her phone. I know she doesnt want anything to do with me..i wish we were closer but i cant make that possible i can only do for me i cant make her do anything. Do you think it's wrong if i stop letting her see my daughter? My daughter is going to be 4 in jan. I just dont trust my mom last time i left her over there we came to pick her up and adrianne was in the house by herself and my mom was out in the driveway talking to a bunch of guys. She acts like she's a teenager when shes really going to be 40 in december....what would you do??

shes always been like this even when i was pregnant she tried to commit sucide and we ended up in the hospital with her for like 10 hours while they pumped her stomach she was almost 18 when she had me and i was 16 when i had my daughter. Yeah she's a young grandmother. I'm a young mom and i still take care of my daughter the best i can. I just wish she'd do the same. She's always chose guys over us even when we were kids. She's going into her 4th husband and is still having other guys over. and she lives with her brother and there house is right by the highway im scared my daughter will go outside and my mom will be preoccupied and not see her get in the road. They dont have a fenced in yard...

I love my mom because i have too not because i want too. But she does stuff like when she keeps my daughter shell call and say she's crying and she just cant handle that and this will be the last time she watches her and just makes a big deal out of it i dont know how she ever raised us... she does bring guys home from the bar but most of the guys she goes after are the ones that are already married and have kids.. she used to go to councelling but doesnt attend anymore i dont know why she dont

Answer 1

be careful with this one! if you make a big deal of the situation, your daughter will see that you are the bad cop. don't allow jealousy or any of your history with your mother effect your relationship with your daughter. it would be best for you to have a truce with your mother completely as far as your daughter is concerned. (you can still laothe the ***** in most other ways).

the hard part is to remember to say nice things (from time-to-time) about your mother when she isn't around...but if you do, they will get back to her from your daughter. for example: "mom told me that you used to twirl the batton really awesome grandma!" that way grandma is the ***** if she says mean things about you.

remember to not create the same situation between you and your daughter.

who knows, maybe your mom will come around someday too?!

Answer 2

If your mom tried to commit suicide, do you really feel that she is mentally stable? I know that's her granddaughter but you're the parent and you have to make the decision about your daughter's well being and safety. My mother in law lives in a dilapidated house with no electricity, a hole in the floor of the front porch with a roof that doesn't leak but rains. She lives directly across the street from a trap (drughouse) and her oldest son (my husband's brother) murdered her ex boyfriend inside this same home. I just had my daughter on August 12th and I told my husband before she was born that she would not be allowed around his mother's house due to the circumstances. She also has men in and out of her house while she has a live in boyfriend. Children are gifts from God and should not be placed in these sorts of situations, really adults shouldn't either. If something happens to your daughter while she's visiting grandma, you'll be the blame because you knew your mother was unfit from the beginning. You said yourself you don't trust your mom. If she has all sorts of guys around, your daughter could get molested or raped, how would you live with that? Use your best judgement. Don't put the child's life in danger. Maybe taking your daughter away from your mother will be the wake up call that she needs.

Answer 3

Don't let her see your daughter because if she's left Adrianne in the house by herself one time while talking to a bunch of guys outside, then she's gonna do it AGAIN. For all we know, she could've gotten some scissors and stick them in an outlet just like the little girl in the movie "Brewster's Place" and end up shocking and killing herself or something like that! That would be a tradgedy! Your mom wouldn't be able to live with herself EVER again. You've just proved to us and everyone else in the world that you are MORE of a responsible adult than your mom is when it comes to supervising children.

I've just read the additional details under your question. Your BEST bet would be to NEVER let your mom see Adrianne until she gets her act together.

Answer 4

I would not let her babysit your daughter anymore. Only let her around her when you are there. She sounds really irresponsible. Your mom is really young to be someone's grandma. It may be that your mom never had much of a chance to have fun when she was younger because she had kids to take care of. Could be a bit of a mid-life crisis. 40 is still quite young.

Just to add to this a bit....I think there is one of two ways that a mother reacts when she has her kids young - 1) she is totally out of control (like your mom) and 2) she is more responsible to compensate (like you are). I think you have turned out the way you have because you are intelligent and also because you don't want to put your daughter through the things you have experienced during your life time.

It's hard. You can't choose your family. I think you just need to make the best of it. I wouldn't stop visiting your mom with your daughter, but I wouldn't leave the child alone with her. Your mom may never change, but thank God you have a good head on your shoulders.

Answer 5

There is no natural or written law that says you can't act in a more mature fashion than your mother.

Don't rely on her for child care. You had this child, make arrangements to have her properly taken care of. Take parenting classes, they are free or very low cost in most places.

An adult in a driveway while a child is in the house, while unwise, probably doesn't rise to the level of action for CPS.

You can use her as an example, a bad example, and resolve to not conduct your life in this fashion. Get off this roller coaster now so that the kind of parenting you describe does not become your family's legacy.

Don't cut off your mother, but allow her to visit the child only when you are there. You are half of the relationship between you and your mother. If you make your half warm, supportive, but firm, you will already be halfway there. If she sees you are capable of such behavior, she may just be shamed into behaving more like you.

Answer 6

I have a similiar problem with my mother. Only slightly different circumstances. My mother can be loving with me sometimes but it is very on and off and more off than on. Her coldness and lack of interest in me has been very emotionally confusing to me all my life. I now have my own daughter, who is now 6. For the first few years, when she was a baby, I let my mother spend time with her but as my daughter grew out of her toddler years, I noticed that my mother would treat my daughter with coldness and lack of wanting at times too. Because I know how this feels, I decided that my mother can not see my daughter without me there and only short visits. I don't want my mother to inflict any emotional abuse upon my daughter. Being a parent myself I know how much I love my daughter and I never want any harm to come to her. So basically what I'm saying is, if you feel your mother is a bad influence or will cause harm to your daughter in anyway, then yes it is fine for you to stop letting her see her.

Answer 7

Your first priority has to be the well being of your daughter.
It would be great if your daughter could have a good relationship with her grandmother but if your mom isn't going to act responsibly, that is going to have to be something that will wait until if/when she decides to act like an adult. Your child isn't experiencing a relationship with your mom if she's alone in the house.
Maybe a compromise would be your mom can only see your daughter with you around. The two of you might not get along so well but if she wants to be a part of your daughters life you both will have to be civil.

Answer 8

I wouldn't cut off contact between her and your daughter - but from what you describe - I wouldn't let her have her alone. Invite her to have dinner, come to birthday parties etc. - but she sounds too irresponsible to trust with your daughter's care. You need to understand that "blood" does not make someone a mother. Is there another relative or maybe an older co-worker that you could establish a relationship with? It could be someone you could confide in or go to for "motherly" advice and help with your daughter. Your mother obviously needs to grow up and there is nothing you can do to hasten that. Just leave the door open a little so that if she does clean up her act you can establish a relationship with her eventually. It is never too late.

Answer 9

does your daughter like spending time with her granmother?
does your daughter get upset when she dont turn up?
these are all questions you need too ask yourself before making a decsion,the fact she was on the driveway is no graet deal at least she was in very close proximity to you daughter,why not try and talk through the problem and try to reach an understanding for say for example if she cant make it to give you a call or arrange a monthly visit at a time that suits everyone.this is a tricky one as you dont want to spoil your daughter relationship with her granmother so play it safe and see how it goes

Answer 10

My girlfriends mother is the same way since she got a boatload of money she has changed.I dont take my daughter to her house at all because on more than one occasion she has brought home different guys from the bar...Im talkin guys she met that same night.She has slept with like 20 guys in the last year (most all random)...I guess what im sayin is if you dont trust her dont take your daughter there....because you never know who she'll have in her house just look at the news people are strange