My step-daughter's wasteful habits are driving me crazy, but only being the step-mom, I'm not sure what to do.

Question

She's 23 years old and in law school, and her dad is paying the full tuition, fees and all her expenses, including credit cards, vacations, and a nice, new relatively expensive car so she doesn't have to start her life after school under the pressure of students loans and debts. But she doesn't pay any attention to what she's spending. She routinely leaves food out of the fridge overnight to go bad, buys expensive clothes she never wears and throws them out with the tags still on them, rents videos and never returns them, and refers to herself as being one of the 'rich kids at school'. While her dad's taking care of her needs out of his feeling of obligation, he's far from rich. Would it be completely out of line for me to try to enforce some discipline? I know the whole evil step-mom scenario. At this rate, her dad will have to work extra years before retiring, and it's not serving her to not learn the value of money or how to budget. The waste is very hard for me to handle.

Answer 1

If you have a relativily good relationship with her, try talking to her alone and explaining how her habits are affecting her father and how you felt she would want to know, because you know she loves her dad. Say how her dad hadn't said anything because he didn't want to worry her, but that you know she can be responsible. She's never had to budget before, so the transition will be a little tough for her, she's just not in the habit. So, I would say stop paying her credit card and other bills outright and instead give her a monthly allowance that will cover all her necessary expenses (food, rent, books, utilities, phone, plus a bit extra for incidentals) and tell her she is responsible for making it work. After goofing it up and coming up short at the end of the month a few times, she'll get the hang of it.

Answer 2

You have every right to enforce some structure and discipline. But expect some sort of retaliation because she is so used to getting what she wants when she wants it. Talk to your husband first and lay down some rules and guidlines and inform him that you are going to enforce these with her. She is never going to be a responsible grown up if he gives her everything and doesnt let her struggle once in a while. Start with limiting her limit on the credit card or just take it away. If she is hungry then let her cook for herself. Your kitchen is not a 24 hour diner. Dont pay for her vacation or any of her extras. If she wants it bad enough she will figure it out. Tell her to get a job. Its called tough love. In few years she will appreciate it.

Answer 3

Stay out of it! She will have to learn the hard way, and will most certainly resent the fact that "you told her so" before the fall!
This is your husband's problem; NOT YOURS!
Your only recourse is to try to manipulate the family finances to assure your retirement nest-egg is funded and safe .
Any discipline should come from her father. IF you have a good relationship with her, you could ask her to give you the things she's not going to use, so that you can quietly donate them to charity, and maybe get a tax deduction.

Answer 4

as a step mom, you have to step back and let him and the bio mom decide whats best. yes, its your money too, and yes you should have a say, but you married him knowing he had another child. This is the stuff that can ruin a marriage. You need to let your husband know how you feel about it and give him an ultimatum. either he stops paying her way in life *the cc bills and videos** or you take your alimoney and go on a vacation with his money.

Answer 5

her father needs to show her what it is to not be rich, and get everything she wants. It sounds like she doesn't appreciate anything her daddy does, he needs to take all of her credit cards away, so she can't buy anything until she comes to you. You have to set some rules if you are going to be her mom, she has to respect you. you have to show her who's boss. She is 23 and living with her parents who takes care of all of her needs, how does that sound, it seems embarrasing. She shouldn't be reliying on her parents, she is 23 years old. she should be out on her own with a job. it's good that she is in college but her father could go bankrupt, spending all of his money on her. You have to take some of her expensive things away and you just have to show her who's boss and show her that she is not taking control of the family.

Answer 6

Sounds like dear old Daddy is spoiling her rotten. She's never going to learn any responsibility and act foolishly if he continues to support her. She's 23! She should be standing on her own two feet by now, or at least one of them. If she wants to spend, spend, spend she should get a part time job (full time when she's on breaks from classes) to pay for her habits!!

Answer 7

I would have a word with your husband, explain that you don't think she is truly appreciating all the money he is giving her and doesn't seem to be learning the value of money. Be sure to emphasise that you want what's best for her but also for him. That way, she won't think you're "evil" and he will hopefully understand where you are coming from and have a word with her father to daughter. Good luck, it is a very difficult issue!

Answer 8

AS A WIFE YOU HAVE A SAY SO IN YOUR MARRIAGE. AS A STEPMOTHER THE "STEP" PART OF THAT IS FOR REASON. "STEP BACK", "STEP ASIDE", "STEP ANY WHERE.... BUT DO NOT "STEP" OVER YOUR BOUNDARY. IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO SET RULES FOR A 23 YEAR OLD... MUCH LESS ONE THAT IS NOT BLOOD. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND BUT WHAT EVER YOU DO LEAVE THE GIRL OUT OF IT. MOST FOLKS MARRIAGE CAN HANDLE AN AFFAIR WAY BEFORE IT WILL WITH STAND AN UNHAPPY CHILD. FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS SHE GETS HER WAY SO IF YOU DON'T "STEP" TO THE SIDE. YOU JUST MIGHT GET KICKED TO THE CURB.....

Answer 9

I can see where you husband THINKS he is helping her-but he really isn't.I don't believe in the "evil step-mom" stories.My"other Mother" never treated me any different from her own kids.Tell her that you are talking WOMAN TO WOMAN,and explain how learning to budget will help her later in life.I wish you luck,and will be praying for you.By the way,if my 22 year old daughter EVER disrespected her "Other Mother" she would answer to ME!

Answer 10

She sounds spoiled to me. I think he should put a limit on her spending. She's going to have a harsh reality hit her in the face when daddy stops footing the bill.