To save a 25 year old marriage?

Question

My aunty and uncle have been married for 25 years. My uncle is huge on alcohol, I mean, I dont think the man has been fully sober in over 10 years. Whenever he drinks he starts arguing with my aunt, and blaming her for anything that goes wrong. They have 3 children together, and everytime he starts drinking, he says he needs DNA testing done on them, though he knows for sure that they are his. Many members of the family say he's ill, I think he just wanted a different kindof life, and never really accepted that this is his reality now. Last week they celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, and he just flew off the handle at my aunt, when he read the program and saw he had to give a short speech. She was so upset that she left (as she always did), and went to stay with her niece for a few days. Everytime he apologizes though, she comes back, and as soon as he starts drinking, he starts the arguments again. Finally, my aunt packed all her things and moved out.

I know she doesn't want a divorce, but she wants peace, and no one knows what seems to be eating my uncle inside, or what is causing him to drink so much and be so vile towards his family. The only person he listens to is me, and that is just shameful to know that I'mo nly a niece and his son and daughters and wife reach out to him, and he pushes the away and contents himself with liquor.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for your aunt and uncle. They both are suffering in so many ways. Your aunt finally needs some peace in her life, after such a long battle of trying to keep her marriage together, she is a brave woman. But it is finally time for her to go.
I hope your uncle will get some help and start a new life, Perhaps down the road they can reconcile.
Good thoughts for them and you.

Answer 2

She did right by leaving because he needs to be woken up to the planet that's having him.I just hope she took her kids with her.She needs to tell him that she will not go back until she knows he is in rehab & he will not see his kids untill she is sure he is clean.An alcoholic is a ticking time bomb & is very hard to live with.My father is an alcoholic & for her kids sake my mother left & got a divorce.Ever since she left I've seen him once.That would have been about 8 years ago & he still denies me.But it was the best decision she ever made.He never stopped drinking though.even though she gave every chance too.Your aunt has stook this way to long.But unfortunetly she can't make him get better.Only he can.Its a long & hard battle for everyone even the kids.But she did right leaving.I hope everything works out & your such a good person for wanting to help.Just remember you canonly help so much in the end its down to him & no one eles to get sober

Answer 3

Encourage your aunt to never go back to him. Over time she will hopefully see things clearly and get a divorce. It's very hard at the beginning but if she works on herself she will become strong enough to end the nonsense for good, instead of going back to him thinking "he will change this time" or "I must stay with him".

A good book for her is "The Emotionally Abused Woman".

Good luck to her. Life after divorce is wonderful if you invest the time and the work in healing and nurturing yourself. This is also better for him, he has some lessons to learn.

As for you, Don't feel pressured because he only listens to you and don't think that you must be their savior. It's not your fault, it's not your responsibility to fix this.

Answer 4

You sure this marriage is worth saving. No matter what either one of them says, this is not a healthy relationship. Good for her if she has the strength to stay gone. My experience with alcoholics is they have a tendency to feel sorry for themselves and use that as an excuse to drink and act the way they do. Bottom line is he is where he is because of CHOICES he made whether he likes the way they turned out or not and he needs to stop makeing you and his wife and children feel any responsibility for the way he chooses to act.

Answer 5

You need an intervention. Call the local area AA and ask for help arranging one of those. Be prepared to pay a lot of money for the rehab center.
Nothing else in that marriage will heal until the drunk admits he is a drunk and has to lay off the booze.

Answer 6

Either take some time and talk to your uncle and if he doesn't pay attention, marriage problems doesn't always have a solution, that's why it's called divorce. Sometimes separation and moving on is the best solution.(Sorry, I couldn't be much helpful.)

Answer 7

If possible, let both of them seek counseling. I had read this book, "The Five Love Languages" it is a good book.

Basically, this book encourage both parties speaks each other love language once again. It also highlights what are the roots that made each other refused to speak each other love language.

It is a very good book, hope it helps.

Answer 8

Seems like she's finally had enough of this jerk after 25 years of being too weak to leave and stay out.

I suggest you offer your aunt support as she gets back on her feet after suffering far too many years of abuse.

Answer 9

You need to tell him go see counselor/specialist to get help with his alcohol problem. That's the only solution, itt seems. His wife should stay away until he gets the treatment.

Answer 10

They need to see a professional counselor, but I doubt your uncle will go for this. If he doesn't give up the booze, your aunt is better off without him. It may be sad, but sometimes its for the best.