how do i explain to my 9yr old son.?

Question

recently i took custody of my son from his mother because of no food,missing school etc. his 10yr old bud is allowed to sleep all day and is never up before noon,i knock on their door and telephone and because his mothers sleeps like that as well i cant get a hold of anyone there,i told my son it's wrong sleeping in like that,i won't allow you to grow up like that and your not allowed any more overnight's there,well my son does not see anything wrong with sleeping like that and how can i get this message across to him.i'm hoping having him read this and people's answers just might help.P.S. i'm not a mean dad,a single father with only 1 child and he does get everything on a silver platter now the court awarded me full time custody,he's now called the rich kid,so everything is great here.Thank's,Steve Shewfelt.

Answer 1

My suggestion is that you get a nanny -- like Mary Poppins -- for a while. She will be experienced in dealing with rich kids' assumptions and predilections. And you won't get the blame for setting him straight. Or have the hassle of getting him up for school.

Answer 2

First of all, explain to your son that what the mother is doing is called child neglect. That you are now caring for you him so that he will get the best care possible.

Also, let him know that you love him very much and want him to have a chance to make a great life for himself in the world. Tell him he'll learn many things at school and be able to become anything he wants to become, job wise.

Let him know that you're not punishing him. You're trying to protect him. And that until the house setting gets better at the other place, that he isn't allowed to go there. BUT, what you might do is set up a play date, at your house, with the other child. If that's possible and depending on how it will effect your son. Will it help his self esteme or harm it?

And as for handing everything on a silver platter, that's setting the child up for a fall later when, as an adult, he suddenly no longer gets everything he wants. Set ground rules, keep them. Right now you're prone to spoiling your son by giving him too much of what he wants. Why? Because you possibly feel it will earn his trust and love or because you feel he's been so neglected.

This is a really tough time, handle it with care. Also, I would suggest counseling with both of you going. Why? Because, there's a potential for hatred to brew there and you need to nip it in the bud before it blooms. Just a precaution suggestion and may help him understand things better. Right now you're son is working through a lot of feelings.

Give your son an outlet for his anger somehow. Drawing, swimming, a kid's blow up punching bag? Just a few ideas. I've a son with an anger problem due to his Autism.

And, SweetBrunette is right. You need to establish a routine. Try making one up on a posterboard or piece of paper. My son has a checklist that he checks off when tasks are done, like bath, brushing teeth, etc. It makes him responsible for his own actions and takes some of the stress off because I don't have to hound him to do it.

Answer 3

Money has nothing to do with this. Becoming a responsible member of society is why people need to get up, go to school, and live what most people like to call "a normal life." If he doesn't go to school then you will both be in trouble with the law - he will be taken from you (money or not...) eventually if he doesn't attend. It is the law. I am so sorry that he was mistreated (and I don't know if reading these answers will be the best thing for him - he is a child, not an equal...your son, not your friend...). He needs to know you will be there for him and that he will be provided for. He does not need to be spoiled. He needs daily routines and an allowance each week if he does certain chores, etc... He needs to play and not just video games. Give him a normal life and make him work for things and be responsible.

Answer 4

First of all the statement about getting everything on a silver platter worries me more than him sleeping in until noon. You should always instill the value of hard work, perseverance, and workng hard to earn something or you take away his right to be proud of his accomplishments. After saying that, I would not say to my child "I will not allow.........." Not after he has been taken away from Mom ( even if she wasn't fit) he still must be hurting and you must understand that it has become a habit.
I would calmly sit down with him and tell him how much you love him and always want what is best. As a parent, it is your job to teach him the best way to live and be healthy.
Talk together about the habits we need to have in order to mantain healthy bodies. Sleep, eating well, exercise, etc.
Then work out a plan together...........a schedule to make sure that your family plan will work.
Remember, there will be times in life where he will sleep later due to his growing body. Relax Dad. Communicate effectively and love him and don't give him everything on a silver platter......he won't appreciate what he gets in life.

Answer 5

Steve,

The best way to explain things like that is to tell your son that the world is diverse and different people have different lifestyles. Your lifestyle is not such that it includes sleeping until noon. It may be okay for some, but it will not work in your household.

Setting the ground rules does not infer that you are a mean Dad, just a Dad who cares about his son and his emotional well being.

Be careful with the "silver platter" routine, and overcompensating for what he lacked before he came into your care. Life and love are not about material things, and they will never replace emotional stability. Rules and consistency in maintaining your rules will be the key to his emotional health. Teach by example, not by preaching.

Best wishes for happiness for you and your boy.

Answer 6

I do want to say congrats on being a full time dad not many men do that. Also, when I was young I was a long sleeper in the morning I dreaded getting up. Now for adults to sleep in unless you work a night job getting up to do things is a must. I don't know about sleeping all morning but sleeping in is OK. BUt not all the time.

Time is wasted and then you regret what you haven't done.
Good Luck with your son. I hope he does realize he has better than alot of kids. I know my daughters are called the "fashion" girls becuase they are up to date with stuff but its not to show off its more of something I did since I was poor growing up. I can afford things now so I do what I can.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

Well the basic principle you're trying to teach your son is motivation. It's a difficult thing to teach. You might want to try doing something fun in the moring like going to an arcade or zoo. While you're there you can point out that if he'd slept in he wouldn't be able to go and you'd be there alllll alone.

You can try taking him to work with you, and maybe have him do chores for people aorund the neighborhood to build a good, strong sense of work ethic. When I was about 10 I worked one summer mowing lawns and me & my buddy made about $600 each. We were up and knocking on doors at 7AM. My parents lent us the equipment (riding mower, weed eater, etc) and we hauled over there and cut some good sized yards.

If he has a hobby (like remote control cars) maybe he can work for and get to have a top-of-the-line Nitro Gas car that goes really fast teaching him that if you want something you have to work for it, not sleep in all afternoon.

Answer 8

Mr. Steve Shewfelt,

Keep this simple.
It is call a "Routine"
Here is the daily Routine.
Your rule is he goes to sleep at 8 P.M. and he is to be awake at 7 A.M.
On Friday nights only, he is allow to stay up until midnight.
On Saturdays only, he is allow to sleep in.
On Sundays only, he has to wake up at 8 A.M. to get ready for mass, and then he is to go to sleep at 8 P.M.

Find your son activities to do, such as playing soccer, tags, hide and seek. Any outdoor activities. Avoid in-house activities, if possible, because your son needs to do exercises that are fun.

Answer 9

Set a bed time for him and allow a hour and a half and week ends to stay up a little later and take the silver sppon out of his mouth because you are setting yourself for trouble when hes a teen he will always expect to be handed every thing he wants instead of earning it stop trying to explain why what mom does is wrong you set your house rules and tell him this is how its done in your home and tell him your glad hes there with you and you love him.

Answer 10

ok I am considered the mean mom here becuz I enforce bedtimes
my 11yr has to be to bed by 9:30 and can read 30 min to 45 min
on weeknights and on weekends in bed at 10 read for same amount of time. Now to get to sleep overs. Yes I have bedtimes for that also
when she has a friend over they have to be in their jammies and watching a movie quietly or reading or talking softly in their sleeping bags at 11 lights out at 12. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't but I try. I need the rest also. As for her spending the night at other ppls house their rules she goes by but when she is home my RULES!
Some parents just don't care when their kids go to bed.
So I wish you luck. How ever you need to enforce the bedtime and get him up and get him a loud annoying alarm to get his butt out of bed.
Good Luck
Morgaine

Answer 11

An adult should act like an adult, and surely at nine your son is old enough to see the difference between his friend's mom and other responsible adults. Does he have other friends whose parents know how to act? (The mother doesn't have a crazy schedule or any other reasonable explanation, right?) Unfortunately, I can't think of anything you can do except hope that as time goes by and he gets used to normalcy and stability with you, he'll see that it's better than life with his mom or at his friend's house.