How can you tell if you are spoiling your only child?

Question

Our goddaughter, age 11, recently moved in with us. She has lived with us on and off for several years. When she is with her mother, there are 3 other children in the home. But here, she is the only child. I know she loves the undivided attention, etc... She has always been well-behaved, responsible, and loving. I know that "spoiled brats" have poor behavior, etc... I just don't want the readjustment process to be hard when she goes back to her mother next summer. Are there any other tell-tale signs that spoiled children display?

She gets more attention in our home, of course, but we are way more strict than her parents. She has more rules, restrictions, and requirements, etc... here. Her mother complains about her behavior and attitude at home and school when she is with her in NC, but in VA we've never had any problem with her. When she lives with us, she acts like a young lady and her teachers always comment on her manners and leadership abilities.

Answer 1

I would say to not worry about it, as long as you have good boundaries and she has chores and/or other responsibilities, it should not be an issue.

It sounds like she's doing OK so far, and that special treatment hasn't "spoiled" her.

Children need to feel "special", and sometimes that's difficult when there are siblings vying for the same attention. It's usually more difficult for a middle child. The oldest needs to be the example and they get special treatment for that role. The baby of the family gets away with plenty and they also tend to be more spoiled that the others. The children in between may as well be wallpaper. They just blend in, don't rock the boat, and can get lost in the shuffle. A grandparent, aunt, or a godparent, can be the perfect person to give that child some special one-to-one attention.

As far as adapting when she gets home: kids are so-o-o resilient and adapt as needed. It probably won't be difficult unless you treat it as a problem. Just be matter of fact with your goddaughter and remind her that things are different at her house. Which is OK. Kids are accustomed to adjusting to the difference between home and school, parents and teachers, etc. They are in different situations all the time, where they have different things expected of them.

It's OK. Really. Enjoy your goddaughter. She's fortunate to have you, and you her. Have fun!

Answer 2

As my mother says "I know I've spoiled my grandchildren when they start to stink" sniffs the grandkid "your OK, come here" big hug "you can have them back when they smell rotten, then I know I've spoiled them enough".

Spoiling is when you allow bad behavior, or worse, incourage it. Your goddaughter is very lucky to have people that she doesn't have to share with siblings for a time. The friendship builds her self esteem. It also breaks down the age barrier, helping her to not be an ageist. If you shower her excessively with gifts & treats then the readjustment will be hard on the siblings when she complains/brags about how she used to live in excess and now she has to do without. The gift of your attention is priceless and will go far to focus the teenage rebellion that she will soon experience into a positive direction instead of a distructive one. The boundries that you have placed on your self (bedtime, eating habits, hygine etc.) will show her that the rules her parents impose are life choices for a better/healther life, as long as you don't point it out by saying something to her. If she asks, then you can explain how limitations improve the quality of life.

Answer 3

Do not worry about spoiling her. All kids deserve as much attention as you can give them. The trick is to offset the spoiling by instilling a good sense of duty and responsibility. Give her responsibilities and expect that she accomplish them to the best of her ability. Avoid giving her tasks beyond her means to complete competently, but give her tasks that require her to stretch and grow. Set strict behavior guidelines, and remain consistent with them. At the age of eleven, she is already into one of the most developmentally important stages of her life. At this stage, she learns independence, self-discipline, responsibility, and a myriad of other character traits. Avoid doing everything for her and require that she learn to ascertain tasks that need accomplishing without you having to tell her.

Criticize when necessary, but never without explaining what caused the criticism and a way to improve for the next time. Praise often, especially when she does something out of the ordinary that shows mature growth. Sometimes offer her praise “second-hand.” When speaking on the phone to your friends, relatives, and her mother brag about how she took the initiative to do something and that she did it well. Make sure she can hear this without being obvious that you want her to hear it.

Finally, demand respect and give respect. Tweens recognize mutual respect and realize that society requires it. I find myself becoming angry with parents that act more like children in public than their children do. Never give in to tantrums, whining, or tears. Avoid buying her something every time you go to the store. Teach her that sometimes you shop only for necessities and not for frivolity.

A spoiled child is preferable to an abused child.


Good luck!

Will D
Enterprise AL
http://www.notagz.com

Answer 4

If this girl is well behaved and responsible, you don't have a spoiled child. You have a child that has reacted to the expectations that have been given her.

There aren't any signs, really. Just watch her interact with her peers... spoiled children have a harder time 'fitting in' with kids that won't put up with their antics.

Answer 5

I think a sure fire way of telling if a child is spoiled is how they react when you say "no" to them for something. If the child is expecting everything they want and ask for, and behave poorly when they don't get it, if a child won't share with others, if they don't act with gratitude for what they DO receive, those are all signs that the child is being spoiled.

Answer 6

How many toys etc have you bought for this child? Are they all the recent ones? Do you go shopping and the child ask for a new trend and you buy it straight away? You are spoiling the child.

Answer 7

sounds like she likes the rules and the attention(the one on one).
But at home with mom, maybe mom needs to have the same rules as you and give her time one on one. just a little time together, maybe thats what she is looking for in her mom. thats why she might misbehave with her mom.

yes, my only child is spoiled(gets what she asks for) but she has rules and guidelines she needs to obey.

kids might say they dont like the rules, but in real life, they do. shows them their parents or guardians care what they do.

maybe write down your rules and the routine you have for her at your house and maybe mom could follow the example. maybe could have helped when she was younger.

instead of waiting till she is 11yr. she is starting her teen yrs(time to spread her wings and test authority including her mom)
could be her hormones too, my daughter started her periods when she was 9yr,. but all girls are different.

Answer 8

in the end she will respect you more for setting boundaries,saying no and being consistant because your took the time to help her be a better person,as they all say,tell her "no"see how she acts,if she cant accept that answer then she is spoiled.

Answer 9

you wont spoil her by loving her.... but be sure you aren't protecting her from herself...

for instance if you are playing a game with her don't lose on purpose.... she needs to know how to lose as well as how to win...

Answer 10

If they don't get their own way they will cry or pout or nag you