Mother In-Law, What To Do!!!! Please some one help me before I go insane!?

Question

I just had a baby & this is her only grandchild. She has only one son, my fiance, & she is very attached to him. She was there for my during the first stages of my preganacy, when my family was not. Since my son has been born she wants to be over everyday. Calls at least 3 times a day while work to check on the baby, see how he slept, ate, pooped, etc. She pokes advice about feedings and what to ask to doctor. Every time she is around, I rarely get to hold him, feed him, play with him. My son is only a month old & I have to go back to work soon. I am upset about going back & want to spend every day with him unitl I go back. I feel like I am treated like a babysitter and not his mom. I know that I'm a new mom but I have been around children all of my life. How do I deal with her, esp. when i do not like confontation?
He does not want to fight with her, so he lets her win and plus "that's the way she is" I then get told, she cares and my family doesn't, bc they don't "check up" on me.

Answer 1

She may care about you and the baby deeply but she has to realize that this is your son and he will be raised the way you want him raised. I know it's hard to confront her but that will be the only way she may listen. I had that problem with my mother-in-law for awhile and she finally backed off a little after confronting her. Tell her you care about her and her feelings and that she is apart of the babys life but you want to spend as much time with him that you can before you go back to work. Trust me time goes by way to fast and the baby moments are the most precious. Good luck.

Answer 2

Honesty in a kind and gentle way is the best route to go. My heart goes out to you because this is one sticky situation. Tell her how much you appreciate her love and interest but if you are going to be able to create the bond like she has with HER son you will need as much time alone with your son as possible. She may be able to relate to that. Ask her if she would like to have a certain day a week that will be just her and the baby for as long as she wants. That way she gets to spend quality time with him and you will be able to get out and accomplish some things you might have put doing. Just gently let her know that she will always have an important place in your family's life but right now you are trying to savor as much time as you can with your son before returning to work. I also want to thank you for your question because I am hoping for my first grandchild soon and I don't want to make a pest of myself....you have given me a valuable insight.

Answer 3

First of all remember this is her first grandchild and she is proud of being a grandmother. I don't think she is doing this because she thinks you can’t take care of him. She wants to help you as much as she can. If I were you I let her. Because when you go back to work you are really going to be a busy mother and not have time to do anything. She is new at this and she is being protective of her grandchild. Believe me as time goes by she will slack off. I know you feel she is taking over, maybe you can tell her in a nice way that you appreciate everything she is doing for you but you rather do it yourself and if you need her help you will ask her. You and your fiance should discuss it with her. Good luck!

Answer 4

Think about this for a second from her point of view. She has one child that you took from her and one grandbaby that is yours. She's going to be over-bearing, especially if she hasn't quite cut the apron strings from her son yet. The only way for this to end without hurting her feelings is to tell her you need some alone time with the baby and offer her to babysit the youngen when you go back to work so she can have her fair share of Jr. She'll remember what hard work it can be and will go into instant grandma mode where it'll be "oh yeah...your mom is here".

Answer 5

Take the baby and skip town. No I'm just kidding. Just tell her how you feel, she'll understand. Remind her that she'll get to spend plenty of time with him when you're back at work, and right now you just really need to bond with him and spend as much time as possible before going back to work. Don't be confrontational, be meek and respectful. If that doesn't work - change the darn locks and turn the ringer off on the phone.

Answer 6

Oh honey, can I sympathize w/ you! My husband was the 1st grandchild in his family, and since his maternal grandparents only had daughters and no sons, well, he was just the best thing ever! lol j/k My husband is very attached to them, ofcourse, because of how they treated him all his life, so when he grew up and got me, they gave us the house right beside of them. Seemed great at first, because we were young and poor and got a free house. When our 1st child was born it was really nice having someone there to watch the baby if we needed some alone time to go to dinner or whatever or if I was sick, she was right there to pitch in and I love them both for that, but...
Sometimes his grandma can really push my buttons. We spent 5 long years tripping over each other because we were both trying to be the "mommy". Finally one morning while "we" were trying to get my daughter ready for school, I snapped. I just broke down. I was so frustrated and angry it actually brought me to tears and I was yelling and crying, but in my hysterics I finally just let it all out and flat-out told her. You are not the mommy! I am! You are stepping on my toes! ...later, I regretted that it came out that way, but she did back off...somewhat. We still have our moments but that's ok. I'm really grateful that's she's always there to step in and help me when I need it and I've just learned thru the years to pick my battles. (understand that it got so bad at one point, that people actually believed her to be raising my child and even the school would call her before me) But like I've said, we've got past it, or more correctly I've gotten past it. As my children have grown, I've seen that they come to me for the really important stuff and they know who the real "mommy" is. I know it's tough, I really do. But my husband had the same attitude as yours, and I'd like to say that will change but chances are, it won't. You're just going to have to learn to pick your battles, like I did, and hang in there. I know it can be overwhelming feeling like someone is trying to take your place, but just trust that that can never really happen. Take a deep breathe and just try to remember that this is someone that really loves your baby and isn't trying to hurt you. I hope this helps you at least a little and I hope things get easier for you. Congratulations on your new baby! Motherhood: the toughest job you'll ever love. :)

Answer 7

Stand up for yourself (looks like your partner has no balls) this woman must be told to back off....let her know that you have cherished all the help she gave in the past (before your son was born) but now you as a young mother must learn to make mistakes & be a good mother like she was to her children. Maybe you could e-mail her his daily routine, or phone before she comes over, good luck my dear, hope I'm not this bad with my grand kids.

Answer 8

Sit down with her and be honest. Tell her you appreciate all her advice but right now you would like to try on your own. Ask her if you can still count on her when you do need help. Your soon to be hubby need to stand up to her also. She may not realize that she is over stepping her bounds. Be kind but firm. Good Luck hope this helps.

Answer 9

You need to handle the situation, or it is going to cause animosity between you and your mother in law (if it isn't already), and eventually between you and your husband. You are going to have to be honest. Tell her that you appreciate her advice, and her help, but that you need some time alone with your new family. Don't expect her to love this news, but she'll get used to it.
If not, there is always caller id! Good luck!

Answer 10

I'M SURE SHE MEANS WELL BUT YOU AND YOUR FIANCE WILL HAVE TO GROW A BACKBONE OR THIS WILL GO ON FOREVER. YOU CAN TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL AND BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT. SHE MIGHT NOT RESPOND IN A POSITIVE WAY BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT FOR YOU. SHE MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF HOW OVERBEARING AND SUFFOCATING SHE REALLY IS. AS A GRANDMA MYSELF IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO NOT GO CRAZY OVER A GRANDCHILD. SIT DOWN AND TALK GENTLY AND LET HER KNOW YOU LOVE HER AND APPRECIATE HER BUT SHE NEEDS TO LET YOU BE THE MOMMIE FOR AWHILE. THEN TALK TO YOUR PARENTS, TOO. GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATS!