Should I tell my 6 yr. old his Great Grandpa is dying?

Question

I found out today that my grandfather has less than 6 months to live as he has advanced liver and colon cancer. He has stopped chemo and has lost over 40 pounds. It's obvious he is not the same man he used to be however my son hasn't made any mention of great grandpa's appearance. We visit grandma and grandpa once a week since they live right down the street from us and both my children love their great grandparents very much. (My other child is 2)

My son is an empathetic, sensitive little guy who has to know the ins and outs of everything imaginable and he respects our honesty in explanations. So needless to say, I'm at a crossroads here- should I "prepare" my son for the inevitable by having the death and dying discussion, or wait until it actually happens? I haven't really found any information that discusses talking about death (before it happens) with a child, just talking about it after the fact.

I'd like to hear both sides, if possible, and religious topics are fine, too.

I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. Thank you so much for offering such great insight and comfort.

Just to be clear- I have every intention of telling my son about his great grandpa's death. The question is, should I tell him before it happens, or wait until I know it has happened? Personally, I think I'm leaning more towards telling him sooner than later.

Thanks again, everyone.

Answer 1

I think you should tell your son especially since he's close to his great grandfather. At six your son won't be oblivious to the fact that his great grandpa has just disappeared. If you don't tell him he'll ask you where he has gone and you'll have to tell him then or live with the guilt of lying to him. Sooner or later he will find out. Better to have him deal with the grief and respect you then to be ignorant and in the long run mad at you for hiding such information.

Answer 2

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandfather. I would say that telling your son would be a good thing for you to do. He sounds as if he's a very intelligent child and coming from experience I know that finding out the day a grandparent has passed after being in a coma for a week is really hard. If I had known my grandma was sick last year I would have at least had the chance to say goodbye and maybe make a trip to Montana to see her. If you tell your son and explain to him that we all have to go to heaven at some point, I'm sure he will understand and then your son can make his time with his great grandfather even extra special.

It seems to me that the reason your son hasn't mentioned your grandfather's weight loss because in the eyes of a child that doesn't matter. Children don't look at people and see weight or other body issues until they unfortunately learn that behavior (which school doesn't help with).

I think being honest with your son will enhance what sounds like an already open relationship between the two of you even more.

I can understand how hard this must be on you also and I just wanted to let you know I'm here to chat or email anytime.

Answer 3

You are mom so you probably have the best answer, but I'll try. Say this; Honey, grandpa isn't going to be with us for very much longer, he's going to see God(or whatever you might believe in). If he asks why, explain to him that when someone gets real old they get sick, and doctors can't even help, so he has to die. Wait for his response. If he cries, tell him how much you and grandpa love him. Tell him that he will still be able to talk to grandpa, only that grandpa won't talk back, but he'll be watching him every day in heaven. Be careful about telling your son that grandpa will go to sleep. If you decide to tell him that dying is like going to sleep, make sure that you also tell him that he'll be just fine. I hear that when you tell children that dying is like going to sleep, it scares them. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Yes, you should tell your child now that GGP is going to die. Children would rather know the truth than be coddled. However, because he is only six, you do not have to go into graphic details about GGP's illness.

By telling your child that GGP is going to die, you will give him time to adjust to the death. Your son will be better prepared to cope with the loss when GGP is gone.

It is your choice about the way you tell your son about the impending death of GGP. You can be spiritual and discuss the concept of heaven or be clinical about the natural cycle of life. You know your own child the best so have confidence that you will know how to handle the situation.

Let your son continue to visit him. That way both of them will have the opportunity to say good bye.

Answer 5

Maybe you should tell him but on the level that he could understand. Death could be discussed as "going to Heaven", a "rest for his body so he could regain a stronger one when we all see him", etc. Kids could be traumatized and frightened if not prepared emotionally. Best if in one of your visits to grandpa, you could let him talk to or observe grandpa and later ask him how he feels. Let him tell you. Maybe he could deduce something and let it be the start of your conversation. Don't underestimate a child's understanding. They sometimes know more than what we think they know..

Answer 6

Prepare your son by telling him that grandpa is preparing to go home to be with God! Make it a positive thing and let him know that when it happens, all of Grandpa's pain will go away, and he'll be like a new person, all fresh and light.

Answer 7

personally, i would wait until it happens. you know your son, though, but i don't know if the actual concept of impending death would sink in. it's alot for adults to handle, so i don't know how a child would take it. my mom passed away in Dec. of liver and brain cancer. it got very serious very suddenly, so we didn't have much time to prepare. i might tell your son that his grandpa is very sick and won't get any better, but i don't know if i would be able to say he is going to die soon. it would be very hard for a 6yr. old to be waiting for that. there is no guarentee when it will happen. don't know if i helped any, but i wish you luck. it is not easy!

Answer 8

I think that you should try to talk to him about his great grandpa good to heaven! I think that you should try to explain to him before it happens so that it don;t hit him so hard when it does happen! Let him know that way he will feel as if he had the most of the time instead of one day just being gone! I am sorry and good luck

Answer 9

honesty is best... my 5 year old watched her dad die in hospital for 3 days. we were honest with her about it and she knew what death meant (as much as a 5yr old can ) because I worked with animals and had talked to her about it...

anyhow I also heard a story where an 8 yr old wasnt given all the info when her father died... one day at dinner she basically said "when is daddy coming home?"

death is normal
death is natural

You should NEVER lie or hide death to a child.. even pet death needs to be fully talked about (telling a kid that fluffy went to live on a farm is WRONG!)

Answer 10

First off I'd like to say, I am sorry you are losing your grandfather to such dieases. I wish we could all go peacefully and pain free.

I went to my first open casket funeral when I was 5yrs old. I remember the situation being explained to me, but I didn't hear a word. I just stared at the body. It was resting so peacefully.

I don't think death should be sheltered from children, especially in today's society. Where children need to be very alert about their surroundings because it's NOT THE GOOD OLE DAYS!!!! It's post 9/11 people.

I went to another open casket funeral for a family member recently. There were tons of children as young as 2yrs old. They were fully informed of the death. In fact some of the children were in the hospital while their father spent his final days in pain.

My cousin came up to me who was about 5-6yrs old and asked me about death. Now, normally I'd say ask your parents. But having faced death myself I thought I could handle the question.

This is what I said. "Remember when your daddy was very sick and hurt alot? Well, now your daddy is getting better in the hands of god (Switch out to accomidate your faith. I was talking to a christian raised child.) Your daddy and your time with him will remain forever in your heart. Whenever you miss him you can reach deep into your heart and embrace those good times. Like the time your daddy went to the lake and you sat in the captain's seat. His body is gone, but his spirit is still here. Whenever you think about him you may feel his strength and love. He will become your angel and protect you." My cousin and I left it at that. Basically he just wanted to know that even in death his father still loved him.

As for preparing them for death. Just say, you know how grandpa is hurting right now? The angels want to take him with them so he doesn't have to hurt anymore. When the angels take him he'll be going to a special place where he can watch over us and be in our hearts. Grandpa will be with you always and he loves you very much.

You can also have your children make things for grandpa that he can either be buried with, displayed at the gravesite and even special things that your grandfather can enjoy in his final days. That would help your children deal with this rough time.

Your children may even lash out and show anger and aggression. I ripped the heads off my dolls in pre-school when my mom was terribly ill. However, the behavior usually corrects itself with alot of reassurance and love from the adults around them. Don't let them face the idea of death alone at age it's hard to comprehend. If the behavior in question lasts more than a week, discuss the situation with your children's pediatrician. They may have some ideas that can help you cope with telling your children about this situation.

On a personal note from the time I was 4yrs old, I could see ghosts. I don't fear death I embrace it. Not in a gothic dress in black and wear make-up sense. Just it's a part of life. Old/sick bodies die and new ones are born. My family has always been honest about major events like death. Nothing was ever sugar coated even at the age of 4. It does more damage to a child to lie. Especially when the liar is someone they depend on for everything.


Tell your children NOW!!! This will give them more time to embrace and understand what is happening. So when it does happen it's not a shock.