What do you do when the younger child is excelling in school and the older one is struggling?

Question

My daughters are in 6th and 9th grade. My 6th grader is in Advanced Placement classes (Gifted). She has always done very well academically and socially. She brings home all A(s). My 9th grader is struggling. We made it through middle school as a mediocre student with mostly Bs and Cs and math was a killer. Now in high school having received her first progress report, she has a 78, a 76, and a 69(Algebra I). I don't expect her to bring home all A(s) like her younger sister but I would love to have at least one A and 2 Bs and at least a C in algebra. What can I do to encourage her without making her feel as if I am comparing her to her little sister? I don't say things like your sister made this grade and now look at your grade but she always says that I want her to be as smart as her sister. I was an excellent student in the Gifted program and also made all A(s) but I realize that every child is different. What to do to help my older daughter excel? Trying to prevent sibling rivalry.

There's always someone ready to blame the parent. My sister and I were both in "Gifted" classes but that didn't make our 2 brothers "stupid". Neither of my children is stupid and I deal with them according to their personalities. I may not be the best parent in the world but I am a good parent who is trying to raise two strong-minded, independent, educated women.

Answer 1

Good for you! Sibling rivalry is such a vicous thing, and unfortunately, school work is a perfect arena for it to flourish. Ironically, the younger child often gets better marks because they have learned, directly and indirectly, from the older child. However, it sounds as though your children are definitely on two different planes. As a gifted, all A student yourself, you have no idea how the other girl is struggling with her work. As as former teacher, I've seen this a dozen times. Some children simply absorb knowledge and have an intuitive grasp of how things go together, whether it's math, science, or french verbs. Others simply don't, and it's very hard for them to grasp some concepts.
Does your older girl get any tutoring? Sometimes that can help. Her grades really aren't that bad, but unless she gets a firm grasp on the basics, it's going to get harder and harder as she proceeds through high school. Ask her if she would like to work with a tutor -- the one on one attention can often help get a student back on track, where, as with your daughter, as they are making a passing grade, the teacher isn't going to be too concerned about whether they are capable of getting a better grade. S/he is too busy working with the kids who are in danger of flunking.
There are places like Sylvan, who offer just this sort of help. I would urge you, however, not to enlist the help of a neighbor's kid in senior high. There are very special techniques for helping kids, and that's what your daughter requires at this point, so she doesn't start thinking of herself as a loser.
You are to be commended for your sensitivity and for your desire to help each girl reach her own level of excellence.

Answer 2

They are two totally different people. Never bring up one's grades to the others, or talk about the lower grades to the girl with the higher grades. Get your struggling girl a tutor and help her along. Trust me, at some point all of us finds something so difficult that we struggle with it...whether it be school or social issues or a job, etc... Your struggling daughter needs your support and for you to be non-judgmental. You need to stress to both daughters how unique they are and that they both have their own strengths and weaknesses. You also need to realize that this isn't about you as a parent, either. Just because you were gifted in school doesn't mean your kids would all be gifted, too. Swallow your pride - if this is an issue for you - and just help and love your kids, no matter what they end up achieving - A's or C's.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are doing a really good job at not comparing your two children, which is really good!

I think you are wrong though, to say "I would love to have at least one A and 2 Bs, and at least a C in Math". You should get her tutors and everything, and always ask if she is doing her best. Even if she is only bringing home C's, but is doing her best, you cannot expect anything more.

The only thing I can recommend is to get her tutors, encourage her, and make sure she knows that as long as she is doing her best, you are proud of her.

Its not so much about the grade....as I said, it's more about whether or not she is doing the best she can.

Answer 4

Does your elder want to excel? Sit with her and ask her. If she wants/needs the extra help then find a way. Sylvan, I hear is good. Other influences could be puberty and possibly not focusing well as her body adjusts to hormones or activities outside of school. You could move her back a grade in a worse case scenario. Ask her if she would consider that as opposed to upping her grades. College courses are far more difficult than high school. Talk with her about those types of things and whether or not she is putting forth enough effort into her own education. You know her better than anyone, mom...is she really struggling or slouching?
It doesnt hurt her to see her sister getting better grades for her age if she knows she can do the same. It's part of one's own self esteem.

Answer 5

This is always very hard. Because you and your youngest daughter are very bright and made good grades in school, she's going to feel that she has a lot to live up to. And if I know siblings, there's probably a little nagging going on in the background from little sister, but I could be wrong. Your oldest is going to feel inadequate when trying to please you and anything you try and say to encourage her will sound wrong in her ears. This is no fault to you or her, it's natural. Maybe try talking to her teachers and find out what their curriculum is so that maybe you can help with her homework. Also if you live near a university, college, or junior college, you could hire a tutor to help her. This way it is somebody older that she can look up to, but not to old that they can't relate. Also young enough to talk to her but not in high school with her, which could make her feel stupid and afraid that rumors of her grades and knowledge could get around. I hope this makes sense, sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers can type and my thoughts come out as random.

Answer 6

Be sure to encourage her in areas that have nothing to do with academics so that she can feel successful, like sports or a hobby.

Get tutoring, like Sylvan or Huntington, because average students require different study methods to make good grades than gifted students do. I know this because I made all A's effortlessly until I had brain damage at 14, then I had to struggle in school. Eventually I began achieving at my old levels, but my study methods were way different.

Answer 7

I suspect this started when the older daughter was three years old and you brought home a new baby. Her jealousy of your attention to her sister made her feel forgotten, and she probably misbehaved to get attention. It worked. Now, she is still underachieving to get attention.

Start recognizing the good things she does, and try to ignore her shortcomings. When good behavior gets more attention, that's what she will give you.

It will take some time to convince her, but it will be worth it.

Answer 8

If your older daughter is doing her best, and learning, she is already excelling.
Just because the grades aren't way up doesn't mean she isn't learning.
Love her, be proud of her no matter the grades.
You said you don't compare, but you have or you wouldn't have posted the question.

Answer 9

It's the parenting. It's always the parenting. We are not born gifted children and we are not born stupid children. You are doing something differently with both children and you need to figure out what that is. It's your job to seek ways to make Math interesting for her and the other subjects. Talk to other parents and figure it out. Cause if she gets to the point where she is failing in school, it's probably your fault.

Answer 10

my father told me that he didnt care if i came home with Ds as long as it was hard earnd he would rather have hard Ds than easy Bs because he new that i earned them...............
some people in this wourld just dont do well in school, iether because of disabilities or ADD or dislexia or maby they r bored ........ go to dinner with your girl ask about her life inside and out of school ask about teachers boys friends enemies funny sad ....everything except grades ... and ask her if there is anything she needs help with ..advice or work or maby how to relieve any presures she mite have.........make the entire evening about her (do not ever bring up her sister if she brings her up answer back and refocuse the conversation on her


once you get all this information then you can discuss it with dad or whoever and maby find out if she realy needs {school} help or home help ...if she needs school help then talk with her counselor to determine the best couse of action ...if she needs home help then have a talk the whole family on how to help and talk to her alone to see if she wants to talk to a nuteral party {therapist}

good luck hun ..remember no matter how she does in school you r still proud of her