My daughter is 19, and will be going to an art college about an hour away. She will be getting an apartment, however, she recently told me that she and her boyfriend (who is going to a college near hers) plan to find an apartment together. This blew my mind.
She and her boyfriend have been dating for about 4 1/2 years, and plan spend their future together, however, they don't want to get married for another 4 years!! She told me it was because they wanted to have money for large wedding to celebrate and they've been committed to each other for so long already, (they've never had commitment problems) that they feel that getting married is just a piece of paper and a few diamonds that say their together. While I know their in love, I cannot support this lifestyle. I KNOW what they'll be doing if they live together, and it's against biblical teachings. My husband and I are Jehovah's Witnesses. Our daughter made it clear to us that she is agnostic.
How can I handle all this?
2006-08-25 10:13:31 · 25 answers · asked by sheepeshlysheepy 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I also told her that she could just wait to live with her lover until they were married. However, she said she knows she could, but she doesn't have to, or want to. She wants our respect and for us to still be a family and communicating.
I don't know how to answer to this?!
2006-08-25 10:16:41 · update #1
Continue to pray, and remain loyal to Jehovah.
A Christian parent would never give up hope that her child would return to the Bible truth and a god-honoring lifestyle. It seems important the always remember that it will likely be the parents' fine and consistent example which draws the child back to the Christian congregation. An example of godliness, and a pattern of familial love and concern are always appropriate between parents and child. However, it may be that even one's offspring may be used by Satan to weaken the resolve of a discouraged Christian parent.
(1 Corinthians 15:33) Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits.
(Mark 13:12,13) Children will rise up against parents and have them put to death; and you will be objects of hatred by all people on account of my name. But he that has endured to the end is the one that will be saved.
God-fearing persons are *NOT* required to "accept" (condone? approve? advocate?) anything that displeases the Creator or violates bible principles. However, they recognize that this world is Satan's and so true Christians must continue to function in a world that is filled with god-dishonoring debauchery, for as long as Jehovah tolerates this system of things.
(John 17:15-16) [Jesus prayed] Watch over [my disciples] because of the wicked one. They are no part of the world, just as I am no part of the world.
Learn more:
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2001/1/15/article_01.htm
http://watchtower.org/library/w/2000/11/15/article_01.htm
2006-08-28 06:35:53 · answer #1 · answered by achtung_heiss 7 · 1⤊ 4⤋
I really feel for you since there is a good chance I may be in your shoes in several years. My children will be at that age then. I know an Elder with two grown children that have gone their own way. He is an exrtemely devout Christian and has been since his children were very young. A very good example that even if YOU do everything you should, your children can still decide on a course that will bring them farther from where you wish they would go. But we really can't and shouldn't try to stop it. We can only tell them what we know. After that it's up to them. After all isn't that what the issue of free will is all about? Jehovah is watching us all do similar things. Imagine how he feels? Though I know that won't diminish your own distress at least you should know that he alone fully understands what you are going through. Put it on his shoulders. Talk to the friends you trust the most, and if need be talk to your Elders. Stay focused on your own faith it is the best thing you can do for them. Know that millions pray for you to stay strong. Many of us will also pray that your daughter somehow have her eyes opened.
2006-08-28 12:25:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
A quick fact: Whether or not they live together will have nothing to do with whether or not they have sex. They're probably already intimate, and would just visit each other's places constantly if they had separate apartments. I say this because if they wanted to wait until marriage, they'd probably be getting married right now. And if they had separate apartments, it would just be an extra cost, because people like them usually "unofficially" move in together. With everyone switching from landline phones to cell phones, you would never know where they were.
On the other hand - they will be pretty much acting married. You won't have to worry about your daughter going to fraternity parties and sleeping with different guys every weekend. You won't have to worry about her being influenced by female roommates who do that. They'll be in a monogamous relationship, helping each other out, and learning how to get along better. And you probably never thought to be afraid of this, but at least he is a guy!! And you even seem to like the guy!! Count your blessings...
2006-08-25 10:40:59 · answer #3 · answered by Arbor Dude 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Face the fact, they're already having sex. There is no way they've been together for over 4 years and have never had commitment issues... they're having sex and have been having sex. She is going to move in with this guy with or without your support. You just need to find a way in your heart to let on like you're okay with this so you don't lose her. For someone with your religious back ground, I would think praying a lot about it would help. Be happy for her that she's found someone that she's happy with and that is good to her. And that in the future she does plan on getting married to him. Try and focus on the future.
2006-08-25 10:24:40 · answer #4 · answered by Phaylynn 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
The fact that they have been going together for 4 1/2 years won't help. Couples who live together before getting married run a 75% risk of breaking up.
At this point all you can do is to let them know you don't agree with it and hold your tongue after that. When they come to visit remember that it is your house your rules.
I also wouldn't stay at their place when you visit.
And why save up for a big wedding? After they live together a justice of the peace is just fine.
2006-08-25 10:22:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. Be clear about your own expectations and beliefs, but I would also let her know if things don't work out, she always has a home with you. Their livingt together could work out fine, or not. The hardest thing a parent can do is watch their child make a mistake, but sometimes they have to make their own mistakes. Try not to be judgmental based on your religious beliefs. She is very young and will change and grow during this time. Keep your doors open.
2006-08-25 10:22:34 · answer #6 · answered by Mrs. Strain 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's natural for an adult child to think his/her parents are "controlling," and it's normal for parents and grandparents to think the next generation is "out of control." But it is all natural and normal. The parents seem controlling and that they're asking too many questions because the young adult has suddenly stopped talking. It's out of care & concern that parents ask questions and give unasked-for advice, but the younger person takes it as an insult. The older people wouldn't ask anything or give advice unless they love & care about the younger person or couple. But this clash is also natural and normal. Just like a toddler has tantrums and pushes parents away to get space and independence, a young adult pushes away from parents to break away as his/her own person. They may even blow things out of proportion to create the distance. When it comes down to young people living together before marriage is something parents need to be honest with themselves - it's not how you/we did it, we know how people would look on it disapprovingly "in our day," and we're kind of worried about what other people think. This is normal for millennials, and in a large part, it is driven by economics. Financially it makes more sense to them. But they've also had a lot of influence from pop culture & society as they grew up. I think in the millennium generation's view, that they're a guy and a girl is VERY traditional, and they are committed. The main reason for marriage is for protection of the children that may result.
What I'm trying to wrap my mind around as a mother is that although I have tried to be supportive, I'm still being accused (on Tumblr of all places!) of being "controlling." Uh...what?!? So as a mom or parent, we just can't win sometimes. I've considered that I should stop covering insurance and cell phone, because I don't want to be "controlling!"
What it comes down to is that your daughter and mine are over 18. They can legally make their own decisions. If you're concerned about what other people on the pew think, you can tell them she is an adult and makes her own choices. It will be good to find out how judgmental or non-judgmental people you know are.
2016-01-17 10:10:21 · answer #7 · answered by darligraphy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont you think that they could be doing what "You know what they will be doing" even if they dont live together? If she is paying for rent and school, then there is not much that you can do, but be a supportive mom and be there when she needs you. A lot of parents do not approve of their childs lifestyle or the choices they make, but again a good parent will always be behind them and love them unconditionally no matter what!
2006-08-25 10:23:45 · answer #8 · answered by Lindsey H 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have already let your daughter know your feelings on this. However, she is an adult and you must allow her to live her own life whether or not you approve. Disallowing it may cause her to be defiant and will harbor resentment on both sides.
Your daughter is being financially sensible in that she knows she is not ready to get married. She and her fiancee need time to get financially secure before embarking on an "official" marriage.
You may be secure in your faith and expect her to abide by it. She doesn't share the same faith at the moment and you need to accept that, like it or not.
You should let her know you love her and though you do not approve, you will always be there for her should you need her. That's the most any parent can expect.
2006-08-25 10:30:10 · answer #9 · answered by groomingdiva_pgh 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Im in the same situation as your daughter. Me and my boyfriend live together and im 19. The way i explained it to my parents was... if im going to be intimate with him... im going to do it no matter if we live together or not. Another way to think about it is that with them living together, that could make or break the relationship. If for some reason they figured out that they cant live together.... it will prevent a divorce or unhappy marriage. And atleast he will be there with her and protect her if something was to happen. And just remember your kids will grow up someday.
2006-08-26 08:47:40 · answer #10 · answered by cassidy s 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋