2 year old w/ terrible tantrums and doesn't listen to "no". HELP!?

Question

My son is about to turn 2 in a couple of months, and we have have a terrible time with his tantrums. Granted grandma doesn't help.(She's the one who's made him so spoiled!) Everytime he doesn't get his way, or can't be attatched to grandma's hip, he flings himself around, and screams like he's being beaten. He also doesn't even comprehend the word "no". We've tried time outs, spanking,calmly telling him "no, don't do that" and slapping his hands. Nothing has worked. We are absolutly out of ideas. The fits I'm sure we can work through, but not listening when we say "no" is getting out of hand.

Answer 1

I have a 2 year old also and he use to be the exact same way.....and we were told that 2 yr olds have a hard time changing activities when you just pop them up. I have tried giving my son a 10 minute notice, 5 min. notice, then a 2 min. notice when I get ready for him to do something else. This way your not just commanding him to drop play time at an instant. This way they are aware of what will happen and they are not in the dark about what is going on. Just try it when you get supper almost ready, or ready to leave to go somewhere, or take a bath or go to bed....give them notices that and make sure they understand and keep telling them as it gets closer to that time. Then let them know of any awards or give them praises when they obey you. Use positive re-inforcement...it worked for us and the tantrums have decreased.
You are going to have to let them know that grandma is not going to save them from everything and ask her to help out by doing the same routine. If they start to throw a tantrum I would direct them into a corner and have them do a time-out until the tantrum stops. Regardless of the time or if you have to leave, the time-out continues when you get home. If time-out doesn't work then try taking away a favorite toy/activity/tv/whatever gets them to cooperate. When they listen and obey give them their toy back as an award. When you say "NO" to your child, get down to their eye level and make sure they see the seriousness in your eyes and voice. Otherwise, they think its a game and that your aren't serious. Follow through with punishments. Don't threaten them with a spanking and not do it. THEY WLL TEST YOU!!! if you be consistant with a routine and eventually it will work out. Good Luck and stay strong, you are the PARENT!

Answer 2

1. Tantrums and 2's are a right of passage for both of you.
2. Don't worry about Grandma. Children adjust to different expectations. If she's babysitting, she's in charge. If you're around, you're the boss and your rules are supreme. Make sure she understands this by talking to her calmly away from your son. [You may have to "show" her by calmly + quickly taking charge. No need to say anything to her. She knows the deal.]
3. You're right ~ he doesn't comprehend the word "no". Try not saying it. Instead try shaking your head no, distracting him with something else and/or remove him from the situation.
4. The best defense is a planned strategy. Think about patterns of behavior. See how many tantrums you can head off before they even happen. One of the great things about 2 yr. olds is that they are easily distracted. Unfortunately, once they get upset they get lost in the feelings and don't know how to feel better.
5. Getting into a power struggle with a 2 yr. old is a lose-lose situation. Pick your battles and most of all be absolutely consistent.
6. Hitting, spanking just teach that the larger person can inflict pain on a smaller person. Have someone slap your hand (even lightly) and notice your own reaction.
7. There are great books, materials, on child development that can open your eyes about what your child's world view is. Most adults don't realize that their world view is totally different from their children. Discussing what you learn with your mate should inspire lots of new ideas on how to handle things. [What you see as willful disobedience may not be]
8. Anything recommended by the NAEYC - National Association for the Education of Young Children - would be on target.
Try imagining seeing the world thru your child's eyes at any time. It can be an amazing experience. Wishing you joy with your son.

Answer 3

I have twin boys who just turned 4 and 1 of them has had tantrums since he was a baby so I never had to ask what am I doing wrong that he is throwing these tantrums because at the age he was it could be nothing but his personality. I came to that conclusion after trying everything to soothe him. Since then they have come and gone for different reasons. I have tried many things as have you, but when all else failed I would give him a hug and it was usually exactly what he needed. I must warn you that this will not be easy to do especially when all you want to do is scream over your sons behavior. As for your other problem of him not listening to you I just have to say get used to it, atleast for a while. It will get better by the time he is 3 and even more so by 4. My best advice to you would be to buy some parenting books. I own a ton and they really help me through the rough spots. The advice is so simple and common sense most of the time but we tend to forget common sense when dealing with uncooperative kids. Good luck.

Answer 4

I am raising a grandson who is 2 and we had the same problem with him and I have found that when he starts to pitch a fit, all we have to do is put him in his room and close the door. His room is right off of the living room and there is nothing in it that he can hurt himself on.
Although all of his toys are in there, he acts as if it is the worst punishment in the world. He starts begging not to be put in there on the way to the room. He starts saying, I'll be good."

It has worked like a charm and he still goes to bed on his own in there every night. The door does not get closed at night, only when he is misbehaving during the day or evening hours.

He has not thrown a tantrum in months.

Good Luck.

By the way, he has never been put in there for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Answer 5

Let's talk about behaviour intervention first. When you are talking to your son, try to bend down to his level and talk to him face to face. Don't command or demand, but talk calmly and firmly, using please and thank you. Don't forget that you are modeling behaviour for him. At this age, they are stilling learning how to listen and how to behave. If you get angry at them for the slightest infraction and yell and demand, they will respond in the same way. If your son wants a cookie but it's time for dinner and he starts throwing a fit because he wants that cookie, tell him that he can have the cookie as soon as he finishes his dinner. Tell him that he can put it in a special place (in a baggie or wrapped in a napkin, etc.) and when he is done eating, he can eat it. Even if he doesn't finish his entire dinner, as long as it's an acceptable amount, let him have the cookie. Do this in steps and next time if something like this happens, I bet that he will be able to wait for that cookie until has finished his entire dinner. If he is jumping on the bed or couch and you have told him to stop and he won't, he is definitely testing you. Don't make the jumping so important. Try to redirect him. "I can see what a good jumper you are. Why don't you jump down over here and show me how you can hop on one foot. Now let's hop over here and read a book. " The more you say NO, they more he will test you. When you say Don't Jump, all he hears is Jump. Trust me on this. Yelling and scolding a 2 year old will get you no where. You have to step back and see how you are parenting your child. At this age, modeling behaviour is what they are doing. If you yell, they will yell. I'm not sure how Grandma figures into the picture. If she lives with you and you have different parenting styles, you are in for a very big struggle. The parents should be the ones making the parenting decisions and she must respect that. If she doesn't live with you, she has to respect your parenting approach and not override your decisions. You may have to take a break from Grandma for a while. Be patient, be consistent and don't forget to have fun. At this age, kids respond to direction that has some fun and humor to it.

Having said all that, don't overlook the fact that you may have a child that needs some medical intervention. He may not be misbehaving on purpose. Talk to your pediatrician about your son's behaviours. A change in diet may help. And don't be alarmed by my next comment, but he may have autism or a pervasive developmental disorder. If you haven't talked to your pediatrician about your son's behaviours, please do so. Good luck.

Answer 6

It seems like most of these answers are assuming that 2 year olds think the same way that adults do and they are intentionally being naughty. First, most tantrums are because they are unable to communicate themselves enough to explain their frustrations. Two year olds get frustrated often!! They can be fine one minute and the next be on the floor screaming. Anything can make this worse - being hungry, being tired, being bored. Before you do anything, try to determine if anything is making their behavior worse and fix it. Second, look at your behavior, are you saying no to everything just to assert your authority, or could you start saying yes to some things? I would recommend getting a book about 2 year olds to help you understand better what they are going through and how to best help them. Good Luck.

Answer 7

I have 2 year old twins, so I feel your pain.

First, always remind him that it is his behavior that you disapprove of, not him. Kids sometimes get that confused.

Second, your discipline but be consistent. If getting into the pantry and stealing cookies earns him a period of time in the corner, then make sure it happens every time he gets into the pantry.

Third, while he is too young for true rational thought, remind him of what behavior is wrong and why. Repetition will help form it in his mind.

Fourth, make him apologize for his bad behavior. He needs to feel a little shame in knowing that he broke the rules. This will help form his sense of right and wrong.

Fifth, when disciplining him, remain calm, get down to his eye level, look him straight in the eye and calmly and in an authoritative voice correct him. A level, calm voice will work much better than shouting.

Lastly, tough it out. Boys get easier as time goes on. Girls on the other hand...

Answer 8

My son went through this phase. I feel your pain! I would make him stand in the corner for 2 minutes. If he got out, he got a spanken and had to start all over. After 2 or 3 rounds, I'd tell him that if he wasn't going to behaave, he'd have to go "night-night" right now! So, I'd put him in his bed, turn off the lights and close the door. I'd let him scream for about 2 minutes then go in and get him. He would have to appolgize for his behavior or else he'd have to go back to bed. The key is consistency. It doesn't matter what the punishment is, you have to be consistent with it. Also, don't threaten to punish him...you have to follow through with it. You also need to set some ground rules with Grandma. If he is misbehaving when Grandma is there, he should still be punished. My son tries this when his grandma is there. I always tell him, "Grandma can't save you when you get in trouble." I now have a very well-behaved polite 3 year old that says please, thank-you, and you're welcome. He rarely throws fits...only when he's really really really tired.

Answer 9

The key to managing tantrums is to ignore them. That totally removes their power. Give attention to ANYTHING and you'll get more of.

Don't say NO so much. What on earth is there to say No so much about? goodness... Are you trying to make him act like a much older kid, expecting him to set the limits and boundaries you should be setting?

I mean - if you say - instead of NO - 'couches are not for jumping on. we jump on the floor (or outside.)' and you then take him off the couch, what happens? He gets back on and jumps? So, you repeat, "Couches are not for jumping on." and put him somewhere else. Does he get on again? Tell him again? You may have to finally move to some other location to get him interested in something else. Look at it as getting to train him how serious you are. If you expect him to become an automoton and do as you say the instant you say it, you will be very disappointed or you will get a kid so damaged that he will not be able to assert his independence around peers.


Don't freak out. Challenging you is normal. It's important to be spirited, just as it's important to set limits. Don't spank - it's very damaging - even lowers kids' iq - and you can see it doesn't work.

You are just teaching him - he didn't arrive knowing how to be. You teach him - and don't be mad at him for not knowing! SHEESH!!!!

(Grandma didn't spoil him - you can't spoil a young child by loving him - of course he wants to be held, all babies and toddlers want to be held. are you a working mom? nichd studies predict that working moms get very detached from their kids - how else could you think being held is being spoiled?

do you know that children's brain cells only form connections when the child is being held???? you should drop down on your knees in gratitude that someone gave your child what he was supposed to be getting.

Answer 10

Every child needs to learn that good things happen when they are good and bad things happen when they are bad. If there is anyway that you can take a couple of days off work to really work with him, I would do that.
Come up with a system of discipline that is consistant, unemotional, and predictable, so your son knows what is going on. Even though 2 year-olds don't talk so well, they understand alot. I remember having a conversation with my 2 year old daughter in which I told her that anytime she jumped on her bed, I would put her in time out. She did it 4 times in a row to test. "You made a bad choice" I would tell her.
Remember that behavior will worsen under the new system before it improves. This is because your son will test the theory before he starts to follow.
Good luck!