what would you do?

Question

very very long story short- I have a twin brother, who to say it nicely is a loser (lol) We dont talk much, he robbed my house for drug money like 6 years ago, and I didnt talk to him for almost 4 years. He promised he was clean and did his time, so I started talking to him again. *he's my brother and I felt bad for him* So in May he was arrested on a gun charge and a drug charge. (like i said, he is a loser) Anyway, I bailed him out of jail and he promised to pay me back, never did and I stopped speaking to him.

Today I found out that he was sentenced to 20 years in jail (not his first gun charge)

Now would you put all the crap and stealing aside and forgive him?? My husband said that if I let him back into our lives he will divorce me. (my brother also threatened to kill my kids so thats why)

Im torn, I feel horrible that he is locked up, I feel his helplessness, and I am really really sad for him. My mom said Karma comes and kicks you really hard..

what would you do?

jessie.. you are mean! and how do you know my kid had dental surgery?? Oh.. and I reported ya, whoever you are.

molly, why would I report you? I wanted answers and I got them. I respect your opinion. I have not talked to my brother, even before my husband told me that. I want my children to have good role models in their lives, thats why.

I just felt like maybe I should run over to the jail and give him stuff. Now that I have read these overwhelming responses, I see that I am right in forgetting about him, and I shouldnt feel like its my duty to protect him.

Thanks everyone.

Answer 1

Forgive him but don't allow him anywhere near your home or family when or if he gets out. He has proven over and over again that he can't be trusted and he cannot overcome his problems. He is where he should be. You can't rehabilitate him - only he can do that for himself.

Focus on your husband, your children and yourself - your family's well-being and safety is what's important.

Answer 2

You have done everything you can to help him. At some point he has to take responsibility for his own life and pay for his own mistakes. That is what he is doing now. No one forced him to do drugs or deal with illegal guns. I think you need to put your husband and children first (he threatened to kill your kids?) and stop feeling sorry for someone who takes advantage of you. Everyone deserves a second chance, but he has had more than that. He does not WANT to change. Until he does, nothing you can do will help anyway. I would keep him as far away from you and your family as possible.

Answer 3

Forgive him but do not allow him back into your lives, especially as he is a direct threat to your children. You must cut this self-destructive person out of your life to protect them. Maybe you can go and visit him once in awhile, but do not give him any hope that he will be allowed to visit you or your family later on. If he was sentenced to 20 years he'll likely do a third of that, so he'll probably be out in about 6 or 7 years. That's not very long! And statistically the rates of recidivism are very high, so he will still be a danger to your family.

Karma doesn't mean that you have to allow someone to take advantage of you over and over again. He may be reaping his karma right now!

Answer 4

He chose the path and now he has to walk it alone. You did what you could do for him, but that's over with and you cannot let him back into your life. You will jeapordize your childrens lifes and your husbands life if you do. It's not about forgiveness and he is not helpless - he had the same choices in life that everyone else has. Stop feeling sorry for him because people feeling sorry for him probably contributed to his actions in the first place.
The best thing you can do for him is to let him know that he is no longer welcomed in your life and that he is being held accountable for his actions. He threatened to kill your kids ? Do you really need someone else's advice on how to react to that ?
I think you need to get a grip on reality - and by the way, I agree with your husband 100 %.

Answer 5

Why would you want him in your life. You said yourself that he's a loser and he is NOT helpless. He's made his choices in life and now he has to deal with the consequences. I don't blame your husband for giving you that ultimatum. It almost sounds as though you would rather have your brother than your husband and children. That's pretty sad. If this were me I would tell my brother that he is no longer my brother and to stay away from me and my family. You need to get your priorities straight. Your husband and children should come first. Go ahead and report me but just remember you're the one who asked, "What would you do?"

Answer 6

He threatened to kill your kids, If I were you I would never talk to him again and get a restraining order on him as soon as he gets out of jail. He made the decisions that led him to where he is he should be able to understand why you arent going to be in his life anymore. At most feel sad for him, if you are religious pray for him, but for sure kick him out of your life, you dont need that crap.

Answer 7

I'm with your husband. If ANYONE threatenes your kids you should be protecting them. But the guy is in jail; he'll dry out real quick there. Go see him in a few months when he's settled in but don't get sucked in with his games. They have drugs in jails too, honey. He doesn't care who he hurts or what he does. I would put him aside and keep my family and my feelings safe. Addicts don't care who they take down with them. And he doesn't care. That's only the stuff you know about; what about the things he did that you DON'T know about and don't want to know? Yeah, karmah is a bi*tch; and what goes around comes around. But karmah doesn't require you to lay down your children's lives for a drug addict even if he is your brother.

Answer 8

Wow what a horrible situation. But here is the thing. I am a Christian and I believe that from a God point of view he asks us to forgive those who have wronged us....however that does not mean that you have to allow a continued cycle of abuse. There is a way to forgive your brother without acually having him in your life.

Jesus forgave those who plotted against him and betrayed him...including his own (peter) but he did not necessarily spend time with them. Peter repented and became right with his friend again but with the Pharasees Jesus focused on more important things. It is perfectly appropriate for you to talk to your brother. Let him know that you love him but you can't allow him to continue to abuse you and your family.

Forgiveness isn't for your brother it is for you. If you harbor those angry/hurt feelings it will affect the rest of your life.

I hope that helps.

Answer 9

if any one threatend to kill my kids, I would let them rot in jail. There is no way that I would let him back into my life after that. If you do, then you deserve to loose your husband. I know that he is your brother, but you have another family that is more important to think about, and they can grow up and be good people if they don't have the influence of your brother on them

Answer 10

Forgiving someone is a personal thing. All I know is he would NOT be welcomed into my home. I may say hi and bye to him, I would NEVER loan him money and I would NEVER let the fact that he is family be a factor in him messing up MY life. You have to understand that until/unless he gets clean he will NEVER be productive. Addicts are addicts for life and it is just toooo much to deal with. Good luck!

Answer 11

You don't have a brother anymore...what was once your sibling is now someone who only does what he wants and takes what he wants without considering anyone else's feelings...in other words..he is a snake and in my opinion one of the worst people you can find on this earth: a theif and a liar = no friend of mine. He won't change unless he wants to and you can't change him...cut him loose before he causes your family any more unnecessary pain...they don't call it tough love because it is easy