My family is African royalty and controlling the whole wedding.?

Question

So my husband is white but my family is African-black and royalty. Because I knew that I would have to have a traditional wedding, my husband and I got married at city hall first with just his brother there who I am very close with. It really pissed off my parents but I was happy we did it just for us.

Now that it has come time to have the traditional wedding ceremony, my husband and I cannot stop fighting about it. At first we were all going to go back to Africa to get married and my husbands’ family was really into the whole idea and really excited to get to see Africa. We decided not to because there’s a lot of war where I’m from right now and instead we’re going to fly some of my family into the States.

Now my husband’s parents are unhappy because they feel like my family has taken over the whole wedding and they don’t have a say in it. They call up my husband and complain. He fights with me about it. I tell him that his parents need to express whatever they feel to my parents but he says they don’t feel like they can. I’m feeling really harassed by my husband, his parents and even my parents!

My husband and I have been together for more than seven years and I've spent almost every Christmas and summer vacation with his family. He has hardly spent any time with my family. His family is really kind, successful and has a ton more money than my family. Now that its time to put my family in the spotlight for the first time, I feel like his parents can’t handle it. His parents say they just want us to have a wedding for ourselves as opposed to a wedding for my family but I think secretly they really they want it to be more for them. I wish this could be so because I think weddings should be equally about both families. Unfortunately, I cannot change a thousand years of history. Besides, my husband and I already had a wedding for ourselves! At least we didn’t end up going back to Africa where there would have been literally thousands of my people in attendance and only ten of his family. I just want everyone to be happy. What am I going to do? Please help!!!

Answer 1

I know it can be frustrating because I come from an African family as well - but I think since it's normally the bride's family that does most or all of the preparation anyway in most cultures- his family should really let your family plan your ceremony. It's wonderful that his family has welcomed you but it does seem like they want to have control since they haven't had to fight for the spotlight as you say. I think you need to sit down with your husband and his family and explain to them that this it's an African tradition that the bride's family prepare for the ceremony, and that you love and appreciate the fact that they want to be involved but out of respect and tradition and for the sake of both families it would be wonderful if they could let your family organize the wedding. Ask them to consider that on every holiday and special occassion you have been with them and you love spending time with them but this time you would like your family to handle the preparations because they're making a special trip, it may be a while before you see some of them again, and it hurts that you're being made to feel like you have to choose. I'm assuming your tradition will be similar to ours in that the husbands family brings offerings for your hand so the grooms family will take part they just have to be understanding and realize that this is one element that they can't control. Another option could be two parties - if they want to pitch in and money is no object - have your traditional ceremony and then let his parents throw you a separate reception, that way you celebrate both backgrounds.

Answer 2

What I think would benefit everyone is to have a wedding in a neutral place. Try Australia, Italy, Greece, or anywhere else. The odds of everyone on both sides showing up will be slim but at least those who really want to see you get married again would actually come and with no fighting.

If that will not work, try and compromise with both sides, letting one set of parents take care of the wedding itself and the other side taking over the reception. Location will always be a factor, but if both sets of parents really love you two, they will come and work together as a team to make sure it flows.

I am sorry to hear about all of the fighting. Not only is it heartbreaking to say the least, it is also needless. They should all be about your happiness.
(and since you two are already married, it really doesnt matter if you have another wedding, nothing will change that fact!)

Answer 3

Is the reason for the wedding due to your family & the obligation to them & their position?
If that is the case, then you nor your husband have alot to say in the matter. Unless you want to declare you are no longer a part of this royal family & it's traditions. Then you can do whatever you want, wherever you want. And you will be cut-off from any heritage from this bloodline.

If this is the case, then explain this to your husband & his family.

If you are just marrying because both families want to see you wed; then tell both sides the wedding is off. You're married already & that's all that matters. If they want a wedding, then you need some cooperation.

Answer 4

I hate to say this, but traditionally the wedding is the Bride's parents' thing. The groom's parents simply hand over the names they wish to invite.

Answer 5

thats the problems you have when 2 cultures clash, just get over it, and do whatever tradition needs to be done to keep them happy and make them all shut up.

after its all said and done, move in with your husband and live happily ever after

Answer 6

you are married, so that means your FIRST responsibility is to your HUSBAND!
think about it!