What can I do to get over someone who has treated me badly!?

Question

A relationship i was in for 12 years just ended. he did do lots of things for me over the years but also has been verbally abusive and physically a few times and i always tried to forgive and get past those bad parts. But in the process i built walls around myself and there was no more closeness for a vey long time..but now that its over i am falling apart/only thinking of the good times im missing out on. now he acts so cold to me (over the phone) saying he was meant to have a much better life and that he wants children (but not with me) When we were together, he always hated kids..and is acting like hes really a big hot shot cause hes in cop school....anyway...why am i freaking out? why do i have the urge to call him when he only says mean things to me? what do you think of all this?

Answer 1

Have a lot of sex with someone else!

Answer 2

Have you ever heard of women who are abused over and over and still keep going back for more. Most people can't understand this problem but you have it.

It comes from a very poor self esteem. Somehow you are convinced that you deserve this treatment and so you make excuses.

"Well I know he loves me he just gets mad now and then. If I were a good woman he would not do that so I just have to do better. "

Sound familiar? It should because that is you. Now that he is gone you miss not only him but the way he treats you. You actually miss it.

It is clear to anyone looking that he has found another woman. As a result he is moving on with his life but you are stuck.

The very first thing you should do is get you well. I say that because until you begin thinking more of yourself you will be doomed to this kind of relationship the rest of your life.
We all find partners that meet our needs. Your need is not at all good for you. At this point a really good and loving man may be way to boring for you. If that sounds right to you think about it for a bit.

Why in the world would someone who truly loves and cares for you not be appealing to you? What was your father like? Start there and see where it goes.

What ever you do, do not contact this man anymore. He is done with you and even though you don't see it you are much better off for it.

Fix yourself and you will be amazed at who will come into your life.

Answer 3

What you need to do as the more mature person is too MOVE ON. Not show off or show your still upset. Its happened you two seperated. You cannot change what has already happened and need to just look to the day ahead.

Why worry about yesterday when you have to plan for tomorrow.

Its going to take awhile to adjust to your new life as a single but you will deal. Just dont think about it as "oh he left me" think of it as "he gave me the chance to find someone better"

I hope that this depressing situation will not keep you "STUCK". Everytime you feel alone or scared of what to do just think of tomorrow. Try reading the book "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY" it helps you to understand fear and moving on. It helps with all situations from a life crisis to starting something new. I think everyone should read it its a excellant book.

You have that urge because you still are holding on. Its a huge change and you need to take it one foot at a time. Keep your head high and accept the past as it is. Let him call you. Unless you need something like getting furniture and such. Let him call you if your bored or feel lonely dont call him. He probably doesnt want to hear from you and it will make you seem desperate. By not calling him he maybe will miss you but never show you miss him. Abuse is abuse. Point blank. What he did was wrong and dont ever think for one minute its your fault. Number one cause of domestic violence is the CONTROL issue. Its always about control and power. But he failed and could not control you so he ended it is what i am guessing.
Take Care.

Answer 4

Saying goodbye to a 12 year relationship can be hard. Even though the relationship was abusive you probably want to go back with him because it was familiar and the unknown is always scary. But, don't go back with him. You deserve so much better than what he can give you. You need to believe that you do. Write this relationship off as a learning experience and move on. Try to go out with friends or find something you like to do. Eventually, you will meet someone that you like and he will treat you like a princess.

Answer 5

I went thru the same thing, I was married to a cop for 9 yrs & he was very controlling & verbally abusive. When we 1st split I would call him & he was so mean & would hang up on me.
All I could think about was the good times we had even tho the bad times out weighed them. It just takes TIME. You can't get over him overnight. Try to stay busy. Now, the only times I can remember were the bad times. Hang in there, it will get better!

Answer 6

Just think of all the bad times everytime you miss him. Also, think of how much he hurt you. and that you can never chance a person's personality, it is engrained in them. Dont think if you guys went back out that things would magically be different, they always regress right back into what they were, an abusive, stressful relationship... plus cops make NO money, go get a nice college grad business guy or something!

Answer 7

Been there! Sounds like you have not had any closure with this relationship.

I don't agree with hating him. You will never be rid of him and he will always have a place in your life if you resort to hating him.

You should take this time to focus on something else such as yourself. You need to do things you enjoy doing that have a positive impact on you. The more you occupy your time with other things the less time you have to think about him.

Answer 8

the best thing to do, when you get the urge to call him, just think of all the bad times. all the times you spent crying over the mean things he said and how poorly he treated you. it's natural to miss him, especially since you were together for 12 years. but you just have to keep telling yourself that youre much better without him, because you really are.

Answer 9

well the first thing to do is let him know that you are better than the way he treats you and politely let him know that he is to no longer darken your life with his controling ways and that you wish him the best but you do not want him to call or come by any more. and then you need to read some books on building your selfesteem,some positive affirmation you should say to yourself in mirror every mourning and remimber you are a good person and are loveable,a good friend, honest, loyal , trustworty, ect, and believe in yourself and that god will place a good man in your life but in order for things to change you must close one door so another can open

Answer 10

break ups are always hard and they hurt alot at first. I think you are better off without him since he has treated like that but i understand that you have him in your heart but you must move on. Do things to keep yourself busy, try not to think about him, stay around friends let them comfort you, write about how you feel but never send it out to him. Just give it time and dont let your feelings take you back to a place that will get you hurt even more so all in all move on from him since he has hurt you so much.

Answer 11

you need to go out and be social. even if you go out by yourself. you need to bo comfortable with you, before anyone else will want you. think about the bad times. not the good. that will get you to stop wanting to talk to him. AND dont you think you deserve better. why would oyu want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you!! verbal abuse is BULLSH&T! dont take that. that guy should be beat with a stick! go for walks, clear you head. meet new people. join a club. even if you just walk the treadmill it will put you in a new environment to meet new people. talk !! be outgoing. the walls will come down in time!