is my husband being selfish denying me a baby after a fetal dimise?

Question

Im 35 and with two chirldren 13 and 16. i recently remarried and we agreed to try for a baby, well three months later we were pregnant.at 14 weeks i was in a auto accident at the time the baby was fine but at 19 week ultrasound we discovered the baby had died two weeks previous.it was a hard time i gave birth to a baby boy. we were both crushed. after many tests and no explanation of his death my dr said there was no reason why we couldnt try again. i was excited to here that, but not my husband. we have argued for six months about this he does not want to try agian and its killing me i wanted a third child ten years ago but it was never a good time. i dont understand what actually is his hold up he says its his age its money but all the factors were there the first time we got pregnant. i understand him being scared i would be to. he admits he is being selfish and it rips my heart out i really really want another child. how can i make him understand how important it is to me.

Answer 1

you guys just went through a major time in your marriage. miscarriages are tough enough to deal with, but then, the added heartache of the accident, and then the baby's death would have been a blow to anyone....especially a man.

imagine the "man" mentality....his wife was in a car accident and he wasn't there to protect her, then his unborn baby died and he couldn't do anything to protect him either.

yes, i'm sure it was hard for you too, but i'm sure it was just as devastating for him as it was for you....just in a different way.

so, i recommend you step outside of your box for a bit and think about his needs right now. a baby doesn't necessarily have to come RIGHT NOW.....
maybe some quality time for the two of you can help, maybe some couples counseling to help close the feelings of greif, perhaps just a vacation for the two of you.....
when a marriage takes a hit like this it can be hard b/c both people are so devastated in their own ways that it's hard for them to be there for each other.

right now, i think you pushing for another child may be a bit much for him and he may just need some more time.

hang in there and don't be afraid to talk to him about his feelings....just don't judge and don't argue....be open and willing to discuss things and remind him that you are healthy and fine and stroke his "man" ego a bit.....

i hope at least some of this has helped and i don't think you are being selfish, like others said.....i just think you have needs and he has needs and neither of you are filling those needs for each other....

take care, please.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry 4 your loss. i had a loss in 2002 it was a planned fertility treatment pregnancy. After I was just to scared to angry to want to try again. This actually ended my then 8 year relationship. He thought i was being selfish. I knew i could not go Thur that again even if the chance of it actually happening again was very small I could not risk it 4 my own emotional well being. I don't know your hubby's feelings i DO KNOW each person deal differently with these thing. It's now 4 years later I'm in a new marriage we are 21 weeks pregnant with no treatment surprise Baby! This whole pregnancy i never tried to attach till i started feeling movement.

Answer 3

Your husband sound like maybe he is still greiving your lost baby. I will give it to you, you are very strong. To have experinced a loss of a child is the worst thing a parent can face and you are ready to move on with your family and life, BRAVO:) I completely understand the type of situation you are in, I too had a stillborn son less then 6 months ago, though ours is opposite of yours, my husband is the one mentioning future babies and I am afraid to even think about it. Maybe your husband feels like I do, afraid, and is making up reasons why not to have another. Maybe seeing a counselor together or if he admits to you it is his grief that is holding him back possibly a bereavement counselor or group. I hope everything works out for you and you can have that little baby you want so much.

Answer 4

He is obviously suffering still. Perhaps he could use some counseling to help him move on. Is he saying No forever or No not right now?
Trying to make him understand that you want another child is futile. He should have gotten that message by now, I'm sure you have given him every possible argument you could think of. He needs to open up about his feelings around the death of your unborn child. He won't be able to move on until he has dealt with that issue, and I don't think it is selfish of him, I think he is entitled to his feelings, and forcing him to have another baby right now is not the right thing to do either. Seek a support group in your area.

Answer 5

I am sorry for your loss, there is no pain like it. I lost my daughter at 24 weeks due to an infection in the placenta.

I think your husband saying those things about money, age and that he is saying he is selfish is his way of covering up how hurt he is over the loss. It seems from what you are saying about the situation, that he may be feeling like having another baby is going to somehow fix everything and he probably feels it's going to replace the baby you loss and he will forget about your son. He seems scared and it's a hard thing to deal with.

I would say have a heart to heart with hubby and really see where he is coming from. He can say what he wants but I mean really sit and listen to him, set time aside for just the 2 of you with no interference. Tell him how you feel, why you want a baby so bad and even talk about your son. There are memories even though it was only a few short weeks you had with him. Even ask yourself why you want to get pregnant again.

My story - I lost my daughter back in April of last year, I wanted her more than anything and we prayed and cried for her the day she was born, we didn't want her to pass away. My husband was hurting I know and at the same time he was trying to be a strong support for me, while I was not being all the support I could for him at the time. I was isolating myself in grief and nothing anyone said or did was going to fix it. My doctor talked to me 4 weeks pp and asked how I was and such. Was tested for signs of bacteria and such before we were given the green light again. I got the ok to try again only after I had a mini-heart to heart with my doctor about why I wanted another baby. I wasn't trying or going to replace my daughter, she was my first and will always be. I wasn't trying to get pregnant to be happy again, I really desired to havev children again and knew it was God's plan for us. My husband and I had a good talk and cried together and we were on the same page (our daughter was my husband's 2nd child) It took us months to get pregnant after her passing. In December the doctor recultured me to make sure no bacteria again and I was scheduled for yearly in another 2 months. She said at that time we will talk meds if you aren't pregnant. Well the very next month was our month and 3 days before my yearly I took a test and got my BFP.

You can e-mail me if you need to talk. Again I am so sorry for your loss. There is something deeper in your husband that he seems afraid to talk about.

Answer 6

I believe he is scared and has reason to be, however, you need needs to make him understand that he has to overcome this. First of all you married him knowing that you would have your desire of having another child, filled. Changing his mind now is deceiving and wrong and it does not matter the reason. If you do not fill this desire you will end up holding it against him and resent him later on in life. If having a child is something that you really want to do it could ruin your marriage if he continues to refuse,

Answer 7

It sounds like he was just so devastated at the loss of the baby that he does not want to experience, or even risk the chance of that experience ever happening to him (and you) again. This is one issue that is serious enough that you should probably go see a professional counselor. Its not cheap and it is difficult to admit that you might need some help, but it might the smartest thing you both ever did.

Answer 8

So sorry to hear your story, l think your husband is still comming to terms with the loss of this child, l mean it is devastating, l don't think he is being on purpose shelfish, maybe you bot need to talk to someone, men don't show their greif the same as woman they tend to bottle things up, but you really need to get this out in the open because if you don't come to an agreement it may end your marriage. Good luck for your future.

Answer 9

Parenthood like marriage is a two way street, all this needs to be confirmed before marriage. You can't force him, and if one thing makes you happy but fills him with grief....well you get me. Also, the death of the child may have made him very upset/ especially if there was no explanation for it/ what if it happened again.

Answer 10

No, I believe no your husband is not being selfish. Its very sad to hear that your 35 yrs of age and thinking like a teen. It sounds sad to haer that you loss a child,and even thoy you didn't give birth to the baby, its a terrible thing what happened. A frind of mine the same thing happened lost her baby. She too didn't know her baby had died inside of her. She was sad about it, not because she had lost her baby, but to lose her man. And to me thats exactly , how it sounds to me in your behalf .