Punished 14 old daughter-trying to shoplift hair ties. No phone, friends, going out!!! she cut my phone cord.?

Question

I'm at a loss. I've tried taking everything away. Stripped her room of all her favorite things..Turned her in to police after turning her into store for shoplifting. Nothing fazes her. NOTHING!!! She's been beat on the but, placed in the corner where I can see her, grounded. I don't know where to turn. She's even called child abuse hotline trying to get her way. She'll stop at nothing but to look at her with her blonde hair & baby blue eyes you'd never think shes capable of such manipulative behavior. She fools everyone.
BUT ME. How sad is it that I'm her mother & I have to speak of her like this? Where do I turn. The psychiatrist put her on abilify a psychotic med & she ended up with a very bad reaction a sort of temporary tick you might call it. I stopped the med immediately.
You think she would have learned her lesson from all the bad experiences but no she keeps on going. The phone thing ,..she was going to show me if she couldn't have the phone she'd see to it I wouldn't either.

We live in a well to do neighborhood. I have 3 other kids 24-boy, 17 girl, 5 year boy. No other 1 gives us this trouble. My 14 yr old is my most talented. She sings incredibly, dances, & is a beauty. Had 3 poems published by 8th grade. We have all the luxuries a kid could want. Built in pool, pool table, shuffle board, air hockey, theatre room all the healthy choices that I as a kid never had. No child should be bored here. We are strict but loving. We believe in earning priveledges not handing them over.
Never met a more disrespectful child in all my life. The faces she makes, rolling of the eyes, the gasping and sighs the rude comments and judgemental statements.
Does that give you enough insight?
I go to church every Sunday. Am Catholic & pray more often during the day than not.
Sometimes this child has made me lose my religion.

Rushed her to hospital for reaction where Dr.s ordered stop the meds. Love her BUT will not aplogize to her for enforcing rules/laws that apply to all citizens. THOU shalt not steal. This day was an outting for us we were shopping for her when she chose to conceal merchandise.

Answer 1

I think shes feeding off your reactiveness. The fact that she cut the phome cord means she gets some sort of plesure knowing you're pissed off. She probably doesn't even hear th fact shes being disiplined for haviing done wrong,she instead views it as a personal battle with you. So stand firm,dont react like she wants you too. Theres somehting to be said about always doing what you've always done will always get you the same results. So be staright faced with her, dnt get emotional or try and make her feel guilty. Just stand firm in the fact shes being disiplined and that s fine if she wants to extend her grounding or punishment but digging herself deeper. Let her relize she;s in control of these freedoms she's being restricted from by the behavior she chooses to use.Good luck to you!

Answer 2

14 is an odd age. She's still a child in every respect, so she's stubborn and it just sounds like she believes she's invincible. It also sounds like she is viewing the situation as "you against her". She needs to see that it's "Her against Her"!

I had a cousin that was caught shoplifting at that age, and her parents let the store prosecute. She then spent all of her free time for a year doing chores and odd jobs to pay her parents back. Basically, you need to give her some tough love, and teach her responsibility by showing her what life will be like for her if she continues down the road she's on.
I have heard of programs that have "delinquent" teens meet women in prison, or the "boot camp" type programs.

Chin up, you're not a bad parent, kids don't come with instruction manuals. You just have to be stronger than her, in the end she'll respect you for it.

Answer 3

You seem to have landed yourself in a state of complete warfare! And when that happens it is NEVER just the kids fault, you know. have you been too restricting and controlling in the past? i don't mean nasty things like shoplifting, but just in simple ordinary things? Things that some parents seem to think they have to do even though it drives the kids nuts. Like trying to make her into something she isnt or cant be? But anyway - she wont learn any lessons from continual fighting. it will just hammer the thing home more and more and drive her angrier and angrier. Sounds as though she needs someone to really understand her and be a friend and accept her for whatever she is (which everyone needs) before she can start recovering from this state. Talk to her a bit - try and get her to trust you - even just a little. That's what is needed here more than anything. A little bit of trust. And perhas accept as well that it's partly your fault. And also she needs to discover for herself what is good and what isn't, without it being a fight from someone else.

If she is ill then try other things - alternative medicines that wont cause side effects (which can sometimes be as bad as what they are curing). Herbal stuff even, perhaps. I dunno - but ask around and research.

Edit: Just been reading your additional details. If she is the creative type then it only makes more sense. It is the creative people who can feel the most pressure and pain - and also have the most distinctive ideas about what she is and wants. I know because I was one (now I am a professional writer). What you say still doesn’t change anything. There is nothing wrong with enforcing rules like 'don’t steal' (though turning your daughter into the police . . . what a horrible thing to do!) – but that is still just a symptom and not a thing in it’s own right. All the luxuries you mention and the love you profess is still not enough if there is something that doesn’t fit that you don’t understand. You mustn’t force things down her throat – be it ‘respectability’, religion or anything. Over the years, I suspect, you have created a breakdown in communication and understanding that will be hell on earth to fix. But nothing is impossible.

14 is a very odd age, as someone said already. It is a confusing time when you finally bigin to question things that dont fit right to you. She will grow up of course, and as she does so, her head will settle a lot, i think. It is up to you if she does that with your help or not.

If she is creative then that is a major thing and something really precious. Perhaps your answer lies there somewhere.

And all the morons throwing boot camps into the conversation? What exactly do they hope to achieve with that? No wonder the world is in tatters if that is their idea of dealing with awkward people!

Answer 4

I behaved the same way at14, I was going through things My Mother didn't know about.Honestly looking back she probably never suspected till I was sent to a 90 day rehab/mental hospital program for teens.
I shoplifted,stole,was verbally abusive, destroyed property,smoked,lied about every thing.....ect...eventually I started running away,this is what landed me in the 90 program.
For the first 30 days I lied and refused to cooperate but then the counselors had enough and took away my visiting privileges. At first I was pissed off at my Mom for putting me there then for not making them let her see me.6 days into my punishment I started opening up and working on my issues. Then they tried 3 different meds to treat my ADHD.During the last 20 days we did therapy together(my mom and I) it was hard work and continued on an out patient basis for 2 years after wards.
It truly was the best thing for me and my family. Take my life experience for what you will,I hope it works out for you.
By the way My sister and I came from a vary well off family. Now that we are both adults looking back our family bought us "stuff" alot and we've decided that we needed more 1on1 attention and less stuff. Maybe if we had more attention and quality time my mom would have known what was happening to me.

Answer 5

I'm not sure where you are located, but look at Starr Commonwealth and Montcalm School for Girls. They can be contacted at 866-289-9201. I have a daughter that gave me alot of scares and ended up taking her there--it was the most difficult decision I've ever made, but the best in the world. They believe that every child has potential and have been successful where even boot camps have failed. They specialize in helping a child learn coping skills for whatever difficulties they may have and work toward integration back into the family.

My daughter graduated from their program in February. In March of 2005 when I placed her there, the only class she was passing was band. This year she finished the school year on the honor roll. She has begun to see the potential in herself that I always saw in her.

We still have difficult days, but life is actually enjoyable again and we can enjoy each other.

Good luck to you!!

Answer 6

I'm not sure I would have turned my daughter over to the police. You say she was trying to shoplift hair ties? While I agree that stealing is wrong, with 3 other children she may just be trying to get attention. After all, she has a sister who will always be able to do EVERYTHING before her and a younger sibling who is "the baby". If you're daughter had been trying to do grand theft, I feel you're reaction would have been justified. But you're daughter probably felt you turned against her for turing her into the POLICE for stealing HAIR TIES. I think instead of turning to the police, you should have spoken with your daughter first. I think you overreacted.

Next time she calls the child abuse hotline, tell her she'll be the one to go. Not you. And if she wants to go, then by God, you'll phone for her! That's what my mom told me the one time I tried that stunt at 14, and I never threatened to call again.

Personally, I was never good at things being taken away from me when I was growing up. I preferred my parents speaking to me first...I feel your grounding, taking away her fav things, etc just prove to her that your treating her like a child. And at 14, that's a huge deal!

Don't send your kid to bootcamp....she sounds like a rebellious 14 year old to me. We all go through times like that. Also, you say you are Catholic. I myself am religious and grew up in religious household and never had a problem with believing in the Lord. My older brother, however, felt that the religion my parents believed in was being FORCED into him and he rebelled EXTREMELY! It might be a factor that your daughter feels...I'm not sure. Whatever you do, don't try and force things on your daughter. She's 14 years old...not 10. While she isn't an adult, she is beginning to feel like one and you should at least let her live under the allusion that she has SOME control over her life.

Answer 7

Of course she is doing that if you treat her with disrespect(and punishing is a big disrespect).Why don't you stop punish and beat and anything else her and just try to look in the world she is living in.She is not you and she has different feelings and thoughts and you can't change this.Try to talk to her.First apologize of being so disrespectful to her and ask her to forgive you.Second talk to her.Tell her you don't agree with the things she does but you love her very much and she is more important to you than any mistakes she does.Yes,people do mistakes all the time!Why has your daughter to be perfect?Tell her that nothing in the world can change your love even if she does things you dont approve.Third ask her what does she feel when she does these things,why is it soimportant to her?Isn't it a way to revenge you for your disrespectful behavior?Then think - what is more important to you - solving the problem or looking for the guilty?I definitely think that solving the problem is more important than looking for your daughter's guilt.Tell her you trust she can cope with life and she can take her own decisions and if she ever needs advice or just someone to listen to her,you will be there.And stop make her grounded.Just let her leave her life.Or you want to lose your daughter's love and trust in you?It's your decision now what will you do.

Answer 8

gotta let this girl know that u do trust her in some ways... talk to her (when she is receptive) and i mean talk no yelling or treating her like a child,show her that u see her as an almost adult and remember you were her age once and hormones can get in the way,, ask her how she thinks you both could make your relationship better, i done this with my daughter and we have grown heaps... get to the real problem... cause theres obviously something bugging her, for her to be acting this way.stuff the medication, maybe the pill to settle her hormones.. just remember to treat her the way you want to be treated and show her the way, nothing happens over night, it takes time and patience and persistance. give her some rope a little at a time. Don't be so harsh on her... ubnderstanding goes a long way, so get to the reason of the problem.Hope that helps cheers!

Answer 9

I am a mental health professional. I have seen some amazing changes in people. Consider contacting a psychiatric hospital that specializes in adolescence. Many psychotropic meds have side effects these should be discussed with the Dr. before stopping them. Sometimes just stopping a med can be dangerous. I believe abilify should be titrated. If her problem is mental then punishing her is not going to help.

Answer 10

you can certainly tell which of these answers came from teens or very young adults - can't you? lol

i so entirely sympathize with you and my heart goes out to you. what are you doing for YOU during this time of energy draining drama?

i ask because my family is a case of "been there, done that." 9 years of hell. 9 years of worry. 9 years of riding a roller coaster. 9 years of crying and thinking maybe i was the problem and not my child. (don't listen to these yahoos when they point the finger at you) my daughter has bipolar 1. it took from age 9 to age 15 to get a damn diagnosis and once we did - 5 more psychological evaluations were done. ALL of them said her primary diagnosis was bipolar. than starts what i call the medication roulette. you start them on some and hope it works and when it doesn't or it ceases to work - then you begin a whole new cocktail of meds. and then they start cheeking their meds... after all, their fine. they now feel good. and so they stop taking the meds and then they crash and you find yourself standing outside an emergency room (the doctor kicked her out because she was so unruly and out of control) and the police are telling you you have to take her home cuz if you refuse - they'll arrest YOU. but you know if you do, that she is going to kick the crap out of you. and so you stand there trying to reason with someone that cannot be reasoned with and she starts calling you such filth that the cop finally gets fed up and is now arresting her. but before he can do that, he spends 10 minutes wrestling your tiny little girl to the ground because she is so out of control that she has this amazing damn strength. and now the cop can't reach the handcuffs cuz they went flying in the struggle and so you walk over and grab them and are so entirely thankful that your beautiful daughter is lying face down so she can't see you hand the cop the handcuffs. your heart is breaking and you can't stop the sobbing you hear coming from the depths of your soul, but you do (once again) what you know has to be done. you don't want to, but it's the best for your chiild. a nurse comes out from inside the hospital and puts her arms around you and your grateful, but you pull away cuz a touching moment like this right now might make you soft and you can't afford to be soft. you have to stay strong. stay tough. for your daughter, for you and for the rest of the family... THIS time, THIS incident might be the one that changes the course of your daughter's life. you pray that it is anyway. you never give up hope even though you would like to at times.

i use to pray, "God love her on the days that i find it difficult."

now that you know a little of where i've been... it seems that you have your daughter seeing a psychiatrist. in therapy also? has she had a psych. eval. done? what was the diagnosis? i'm thinking that no one can really give you advice without more information. and THEN be careful. alot of people mean well, but they don't know unless they've lived it. i really think that more than anything YOU need support. someone to talk to that understands what your going through right where your at at that precise moment. there are support groups out there. i live in a smaller town and resources are available, but very limited. i found my life lines online. i thank God for them. they gave me respite from the screaming fits, the holes being kicked into the walls... the filthy talk being flung my way. and when the fits were over and she was back to her sweet, endearing, and absolutely charming, manipulative self lol those same people let me know that i wasn't crazy. that this is how bipolar was. (my daughter is very intelligent and actually tested in the genius levels in certain areas) she is an amazing child/young adult. but she is challenging... never a dull moment, that's for sure. she is fun. a daredevil. she resembles a chameleon. doesn't matter where you put her, her charm shines through and she will fit in. (not always a good thing) bipolar is hell. for everyone. for the person that has the brain disorder. for the parents. for the siblings.

i don't know what your daughter's issues are... i simply know my daughter's. but what i do know is that when you have a child that acts that way - any parent could use someone to talk to . feel free to email me... (this invite does not mean those people just wanting to argue, say ridiculous things, or "invent" situations that are part of their fantasies - i don't need it, i have enough stress in my life without yahoos irritating me. if you chose to, know that you WILL be reported. know it and EXPECT it.)

btw, any child that cut my phone cord would not use the phone until SHE earned enough money to pay for the phone company for coming out and repairing it!