What should i do to be able to live a happy life with my farther?

Question

I am 18 years old, I live with 3 siblings and my birth parents. I have an 25 year old brother, and a 19 and 16 year old sister. The problem is my father. As long as i can remember he has without reason excluded me in activities that he would do with my sisters. Or if i asked for something or to do something he would say no but say yes to any of my siblings not a few minutes later. He would do this to me so much that when i was about 10 i kept asking my mother if i was adopted. When i was 17 we had a huge fight. When he got too physical i called 911 and the police came. Ever since that night we have stopped talking to each other. I cannot stand to look at him, or hear him without feeling hate and anger. i feel so much negative emotion everyday that once a week i feel like smoking, talking a bunch of pills (what ever is in my reach in the medicine cabinet from asprin to ipecac, killing myself, or running away. I cannot stand living like this and i want to be able to talk to my father again. Allthough he was unfair to me a lot we did have some good memories together. i just always wished that he could love me like he loved everyone else in my family. According to my mother he has recently realized what he had been doing to me, he didn't notice before, however he doesn't do anything to make up for it and that shows me that he doesn't care. The unfairness tortures me countless times a day. It has been this way for years. Recently it has gotten worse, i am afraid that I will commit suicide or do something else just as bad. Plese give me some advie besides family counseling because he would refuse, and please don't say that i must forgive because i can't. What my father has been doing to me since i was born is wrong.

Answer 1

have a long talk with him let him know that you love him and you want to make it work

Answer 2

In a way...I feel for you...and I feel for your father. Obviously there is a lot of bad tension there and it is tough. For the sake of those around you and that DO care about you...please either seek out help on the suicide bit...or change your thought process and look for the good in things. I have lost 4 friends and family members to suicide...and that has hurt me substantially...and unless you intend to hurt everyone...in my opinion, that is all you will accomplish.

As a father (and a son with a past tainted parental relationship), I think my daughter asking me out on a "date" would be a great start. I did this with my parents (and step parents) and it helped out a lot...granted it wasn't until I was almost 25 (I am 30ish right now). Try Ice Cream. If he in fact realizes that he has done this, maybe this will "guilt" him into apologizing...or maybe he is already looking for an opportunity and doesn't know where to start. Then you can TALK. Don't scream, yell, fight, call each other names...just TALK. To some degree you have leave the past behind you (hakuna matata)...if you keep it with you, you will never forget it and you will carry it with you. Over time, you will begin to forgive...and then eventually forget it...at least that is how it worked for me.

Regardless of you chosen path, you are now at the point of being an adult...this will be one of the many challenges you will face in life...what you learn from it will help you as you come to other challenges...and mostly as you have kids of your own. I wish you the best. Remember, the choices you make will define you...you can define yourself...or let others do it for you.

Answer 3

Oh my God! Are you living my life? But I am much older than you and still am living with it. I come from a family of 6~ an older brother and 4 sisters. The only way I could get his attention was to do something bad. It's NOT worth it! My older sister, by 3 years, who could do NO wrong was hard to out shadow and, let me tell you I tried. The 3 younger sisters are too nieve and young to know what went on. I never called the cops, but I was the ONLY child my Dad ever hit!(He said I was the only HELL he ever raised) I got it in the face with a closed fist ( He knocked me out cold.My mom didn't talk to my Dad for a week. I had 2 shiners and a fat lip to go to school with, for disagreeing)When my younger sister went thru the picture window, I got the beating, "I knew better". When my younger sister was jumping on the roof of my Dad's new truck...I was chased thru the corn field and beat "I knew better" There was no acknowledgement of child protective services back then.
I feel for you. I am 43 and have proven to myself and others I didn't need his approval. I have a WONDERFUL 24 year old son, who is getting married next June and I am married to a great man who WORSHIPS the ground I walk on. I never had any counseling but thru all the roughness in the road of my life, I have grown to be a STRONGER and WISER person! How does your MOM feel about it? Does she try to make up for the emptiness of your Dad? Mine did and she did a GREAT job until she passed away 4 years ago. The bond we had(my mom & me) was UNBREAKABLE and No ONE could and will ever take her place.
Grasp on to what makes you strong and be the best you can be and in the end you will be the stronger and wiser! If you want to chat, I would send my email address. God Bless and BE STRONG...you can do it! :^>

Answer 4

The only answer for you is to let go. Let go of the emotional baggage that has been with you for so many years! Unless you are prepared to purge yourself of all these hatred and anger, you will continue to be trapped in your current state of emotions!
Once you let go and forgive, you will find a big relief and you can start a new life without all these hatred and anger.
Hatred and anger will will generate negative vibes that will affect you health, physical and mental.
As your main question indicates you want to have a happy life with your father, you can do it!
Since he's your father and more senior, you ought to take the initiative to show forgiveness by being nice to him. Treat him well by showing concern for him. If you reflect back over the years, you may realize that in your hatred and anger, you could have done things that really has hurt him. In the same way, he had done things to you without realizing that he's hurt you.
So make the first move. I assure you, your life and relationships will change for the better!

Answer 5

If it's even half as bad as you're saying, then you're right, it's wrong. You need counseling though, for yourself, not family counseling for you and your dad, you by yourself. You need to work this out, and come to terms with it within you, and it doesn't sound like you've done that yet. I'm not talking about forgiving him, I'm talking about making peace within yourself that your father doesn't notice you, and hasn't realized how badly he's hurt you over the years. Please don't commit suicide, if you're feeling like that's the only way out, then please get off this computer and dial 911 and tell them how you feel.

After you get somewhat better, I would be making a goal to move out on your own just as quickly as possible. Getting some space between you and your dad may actually help matters somewhat. It won't be constantly in your face the preferential treatment he shows your sisters. Living at home is probably kinda like picking a scab off a scraped knee, it won't heal until you leave it alone, and put some neosporin and a band aid on it. Best of luck to you, I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling, but please don't hurt yourself, there are people in your life who do care about you. Call 911 if you feel like that's the only way out, please?

Answer 6

Wow, it's funny, they say at 18 you're an "adult" but I know from experience you're not fully formed as a person then, and yes, your parents are still very much an important part of your life. It must have been difficult to live out of favor with him all these years, and of course you feel resentful. But legally you are a grown-up now and part of that is taking responsibility to make positive changes in your life. Sounds like that means just biting the bullet and confronting him with how you feel. I don't mean aggressively. And given how you're feeling it may be hard to stay in control. If you don't think you can do it on your own then even if he won't go to counseling with you, go on your own. Most health insurance plans make some allowance for mental health coverage-- check with your mom and see if she knows what is allowed by your family's coverage, then get yourself to see someone who can 1) help you deal with your own feelings in a productive way because suicide is definitely NOT the answer 2) help you realize that your worth as a person comes from God, not from your earthly father 3) help you come up with a plan and encourage you in the way to speak to him about this and ask him to acknowledge it and do something about it.

To be honest my first thought was-- he thinks you're not his biological daughter, that might be the cause of his actions. But still, to you, he is "Dad" and it's wrong for him to take his doubts and insecurities out on you. Even if he's right, it certainly isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to pay for your parents' mistakes that way. You needed him and he wasn't there for you emotionally. It's time to set things right.

God bless and good luck!

Answer 7

this q would be better answered by a professional. Ive heard an advice that is commonly given is to help him accomodate you. don't wait for him to do it on his own, that's too big of a leap. maybe in a letter, hopeful and optomistically, address the issue; in a way that would get the point across without harsh criticism. don't overwhelm him with the problem; instead supply him with possible solutions, and hope he's willing to bend a little.

most people are much more willing to look at the other side of the issue if they feel there is still respect there.

you're 18, male or female, your hormones are out of whack, don't over emphasize the issue. it is a big issue but, there is possibility of a great life after the immediate family. you don't want to ruin that possibility bc of an effed-up father. my parents haven't seen their parents for 15 years!!! they had a good relationship, but other circumstances got in the way.

Make sure you go out into the world knowing that you're lovable, and deserving. If you're female, make sure you don't choose bf's that are like him. I hear somehow people do that, we bring bad but familiar situations back into our lives.

Good luck,,
maybe call Love line on KROQ. 1800 love-191 for a brief professional's advice. Don't take him to councelling, but make sure you go visit one to help you clear up the situation.

Answer 8

You are 18, go to collage and this well get you out of the house. Time and space will help. Suicide is not the answer, get counseling.

Answer 9

You are basing your life on what an idiot thinks, Just because he knew how to screw your mom doesn't make him a FATHER.

You know that you are smarter than that, Rely on your own judgments and not his.

Answer 10

maybe he suspects you are not his child talk to your mom about it shes the one with the answers