my oldest son is gay ....?

Question

my oldest son came out a few weeks ago. i have no problem with this, and neither does my husband. but he doesnt want anyone else in the family to know. hes constantly offended when his younger brother constantly calls things and people 'gay'. how do i talk to my younger son about the way he states things? ive tried, but he picked up this habit at school and he wont shake it.

Answer 1

How old is your younger son? Maybe a talk with his dad would help? Just have them sit down and really discuss what he is saying and what it means and how much that could hurt others. And if he has a problem with gay people then you really need to sit down with him (both of you - Mom and Dad) and ask him why he feels that way. When he gives an answer ... counterpoint it with FACTS.
If your sons are close --- or even if they are not -- one day your older son will end up coming out to your younger son and that will really put a strain on their relationship.
i wish i could be of more help. Just good luck and remember communication is the key.
i just had to edit my answer. Please ignore the ignorant people on here saying your older son has to get a thicker skin. He shouldn't have to... just because small minded people choose to be jerks does not mean your son has to put up with them. he may have to live with them - but that does not mean he has to tolerate their asinine notions. He can choose to be the better person and ignore their bigotry. People like the ones saying that crap make me sick.

Answer 2

You're the parent...tell your younger son that he is forbidden to misuse that word (as teenagers sometimes will, calling everything they happen not to like "gay.") If he perseveres, punish him as you would for any other behavior or speech that you find seriously objectionable.

It's possible that Younger uses this word a lot because he senses that Older might be gay and he is intrigued, or disturbed, or angry, or all three about having a possibly-gay brother. Maybe it's time to have a talk with Younger about what being gay actually is and find out if the issue disturbs him. Sometimes kids and teens act like Younger is doing now when they're disturbed about something that is affecting their family, but which is not discussed.

Answer 3

He came out to you and to his father. But did he come out to his younger brother? If not, then it is understandable that his brother would be angry, because the family is living a secret that everyone else is in on except him. Part of being gay and being out is taking the responsibility of owning who you are, and helping others, as you can, to understand what you are and are not about. Let's face it: there's alot of misunderstanding, myth and innuendo out there. Is it fair to expect younger brother to face all of that on his own, while others hold back in a "safety zone" mutually supporting and protecting one another?

I would suggest that you ask your gay son to let his younger brother in on the "secret," and use it as an opportunity to explain what being gay is--and what it isn't. If he refuses, then you should take it upon yourself to obtain books, and/or other responsible sources of information about being gay, that you can share with your younger son, until your older son can get the courage and fortitude to share with his younger brother what his life is about, and how to handle so much of the hurtful misinformation that is out there. You might also consider contacting P-Flag, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, who are an excellent support and resource for many who are confronting the challenges that sexual minorities and those who love them are facing daily.

Answer 4

Children are cruel. Not really because they're bad, just because it's the nature of children to see the world as relating only to them. Eventually your son will probably stop referring to things as "gay", but I think that it's more an expression that people use that really has no direct meaning to being homosexual as it does to being stupid. Sorta like how people say cool. Your oldest needs to grow a thicker skin and I don't think it will help him if you try to make your family into a politically correct unit. My bet is that people will say worse than that to him and if he learns to just let it go then he'll be better off anyway.

Answer 5

The expression "gay" means "lame". My daughter used this constantly in 7th or 8th grade. It only lasted a little while. She is 20 now and haven't heard her say that for a long time. I wouldn't worry too much about it. If your son is offended by that, he is in for a rude awakening. People say the weirdest things to those who are different. I think it is because they are scared it is going to affect them. So don't make too much out of it , things will work out in time. Take care.

Answer 6

I'm so glad you are not having a problem with your sons news but let him do things in his own way. You can't change your younger son without going against your older sons wishes. They will work it out.

Answer 7

If your oldest son is gay, then he has to be prepared not to take offense when his little brother makes those types of comments. It is not meant to denigrate your oldest son's sexuality.
It is merely a very common expression that many of the younger kids are using nowadays to denote how ridiculous they think something is. Eventually, use of that expression will pass, as so many other similar ones have done previously.

Answer 8

Congratulations

Answer 9

I kind of agree with the first answerer, however....
Saying that things are gay and people are gay because you use it as slang is not only really old and stupid, ( I used to say it in junior high and Im 34), but it is offensive to gay people. When people at work say that to me, knowing damn well Im gay, Sometimes I think to myself, wow, thats kindof a rude thing to say to me. I would explain to your youngest son that thats just not a polite thing to say, its not politacally correct, and its sooooo 1980's!!!!

Answer 10

honestly...if he doesnt stop the bad habit...id probably just punch him in the face...im sry but id be a bad parent....
just tell him its offensive...its rude...its ridiculous...
im not trying to offend u but if u need to take serious action to make him stop saying that then do so b/c thats hurtful...and now that his brother is gay....i dont know...pls dont take me wrong...i hate when ppl say that...my cousin says that too and its annoying to me...