How can I convince my friend that life is not all about top education, top job?

Question

Hi, everyone. I am an Asian American college student. I need advice for my friend who is also Asian. He is feeling extremely depressed and suicidal from pressure to succeed in school and in getting top jobs.
FYI, most Asian parents put a lot of pressure on their children to do well academically because they believe it is sure key to success. The problem is that some parents put more pressure than their children can handle, hence making the children feeling depressed and even suicidal.
My friend comes from family where a lot of his family members, cousins, relatives have graduated from top-notch schools like Harvard, Yale, and Princeton and work as a Wall Street stockbroker, MD, lawyer, etc.
He says he often feels left alone because he is nowhere close to them in terms of the status. He is only going to State Univ. and doesn't have great GPA. He says he feels extreme mental tortures everyday and life doesn't seem like a life anymore.
How can I help him?

Answer 1

Sounds like a recipe for suicide. Driven by parental control he can only achieve a hollow victory. His only hope is to confront his parents regarding their controlling personalities and lack of unconditional love. When they inevitably reject him, he needs to leave and never see them again, for his own mental health sake. Then he needs to mourn their loss for a while and finally forgive them, but not contact them again. And finally forgive himself for not being perfect, because no one is or can be expected to be. Then when he feels OK and thinks he likes himself again, he can begin to find and pursue his own passions in life, driven by passion he will succeed.

Answer 2

This is much a cultural question as a "personal" question, and I have lots of Friends from around the world who suffer similar problems from pressure from " FAR FAR AWAY". One person was always scolded by their parents because the person did not " bother" to visit their sister. They lived in Los Angeles, and the
sister was in New York, and the parents did not figure out what this meant until they VISITED, and drove.... to the sisters... they thought it would be a 45 minute ride.... Many countries are narrow enough that you can travel across 3 countries in a day....

Other friends have severe pressure to see, talk to, associate with, and be with ONLY members of the religion/culture/language of the parents... Which, when you are in a College or University with a few thousand people from around the world, almost impossible, if not ridiculous.... They can't talk about their real friends, their real girlfriend/boyfriend and certainly cannot ever introduce their friends etc. to their relatives. They have to sneak around with their friends and lovers, putting on elaborate performances, so that the " OLD " relatives and culture are not disturbed.... THis can go on for YEARS, even after they marry someone ( who is NOT within the teeny "selected" group that their parents/relatives approve of).
And as for education... you can only try to show by example, other people who haven't even GONE TO SCHOOL who became millionaires. Colonel Saunders of Kentucky Fried Chicken STARTED his chicken business when he was 65 years old. Bill Gates DROPPED out of school to go to program for Ed Roberts' ALTAIR in Albuquerque New Mexico. Search Biographies of people who dropped out of school to start up eBay or other dot coms, and other multimillionaires. There are lots of them who saw an opportunity, and jumped ship, to become happy and successful. - not that you want to suggest that your friend QUIT, just show that there are other paths to happiness and success -
You would best find members of the community around your area that are from the same culture, who have been through the same experience, and are more mature, and are settled and successful, and have them give advice. It obviously is difficult to resolve the issue, when you are living in a multi-cultural , " big " society, when all your relatives are in some teeny, "OLD" society far away, and are oblivious to the "new World" you live in.
You could post this again and hope that someone who has been here, can give tips and suggestions, about how they dealt with the problem. There may be cultural centeres in your area with older members who are successful businessmen who could help.
Some of the demands from parents/relatives in other countries are absolutely bizzare, in an North American setting, and anyone in that position " should" have difficulty trying to cope with it...
(like " visit your sister every week " - sounds simple, ? )
Search Biographies of people on the web and find good examples of people your friend would " aspire" to be like, and you will find that half the people ( say scientist, mathemetician, programmer, lawyer, etc. ) did not have the straight path thru the top universities at all. Most people take a very twisted road to get where they are today. - How to " appease " the expectaions from those far far away, is another problem, one that you will have to get "insider " advice on, from people who have experienced it and dealt with it...
Good luck !

Answer 3

Is there anywhere that you could both volunteer to do some kind of community service or help people who are in need? Although it's not his fault, given his upbringing, he needs to learn that satisfaction in life comes from meaningful things not from artificial status.

I have family in Mississippi who lost their home, school, and business to Hurricane Katrina. They, and their neighbors, are a shining example of people who know what matters in life as they work together to rebuild their home and their lives.

Answer 4

Have him study Buddhism> it talks about how bad materialism is and that it is being kind to others that really counts in life. It is what you do, Not what you MAKE that makes you a good person. I feel sorry for your friend, how sad that his parents don't love him for who he is, but what they expect him to do all the time. THat is horrible.

Answer 5

why not try and read this book on
SUICIDE: the forever decision
( for those thinking about suicide and those that love them and cousel them.)

Counseling Suicidal People: a Therapy of Hope
(and on the lighter side)