His dad was in an accident at work and is now paralyzed from the waist down. He's still in the hospital and soon will be going to inpatient rehab in a different town. My son doesn't want to see him or talk to him on the phone and asks me to stop talking when I'm talking to his sister about it. He's in counseling, but she's not very focused on that with him (maybe time to find someone else), and I'm concerned. Any ideas or suggestions? It's really upsetting to me because I feel bad for him, and it's REALLY upsetting his dad...
2006-08-24 11:05:25 · 33 answers · asked by sokkermum 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
His dad and I have been divorced for 3 years. He is in a hospital over 100 miles away, so we haven't been to see him in a couple weeks, and my son won't go in and see him when we are there. So we're not immediately in the situation anymore... It's actually like normal at home except that he doesn't go see his dad every other weekend like usual... I thought that getting us all back into our normal routine would help him talk about it and work it out in his own time, but it's like he just pretends like it didn't happen and doesn't want to be reminded that it did...
2006-08-24 11:24:30 · update #1
I went through this with my sons when I was disabled in a car accident in 1995. They didn't want to see me, and they didn't want to come to the hospital. They wouldn't talk about it, but it did pass once I told everyone to leave them alone. They got over it, it took awhile. They would still prefer that I not be disabled (wouldn't we all), but I don't let it hurt me because I know that it is just their way of wishing that everything was ok.
He's too young to sort out his feelings or express them in ways that you'd expect an adult to do. Things have changed suddenly and dramatically in his world, and he's reacting to his feelings of helplessness in the only way he can - by controlling his response to it. I'd give him space and time, and not force him into anything. A panicked reaction, tantrum or confrontation between them is something that both of them will remember, and once it's happened, you can't take it back. Respect his feelings for the moment, and get him out of counselling. Maybe he resents that, or dislikes her, and is not moving along because of it. He's asking you to leave him out of all of this...I'd listen to him until he is ready to come to you, or his father. Let it be his idea. The more you let this get to you, and the more your husband lets it get to him, the more mileage your son gets out of this - the more control he has, not only over his own feelings, but yours, and that's where the line has to be drawn. Support your husband and let him know that the best way to deal with this behavior is to leave it alone, at least until his father is home. I'm so sorry that your family is going through this, but things will get better - it just takes time.
2006-08-24 11:19:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
At this time, he's in the denial stage. He doesn't want to face the fact that his dad is paralyzed. He most likely believes that if he ignores the situation, it'll go away. He is afraid to see his dad in his new state because he's afraid he'll lose all memories of the way his dad was before the accident.
He needs to be reassured that his dad may now be paralyzed, but he still loves him just as much. He needs to know that his dad will soon be hurting deep inside because his wonderful son is now ignoring him.
2006-08-24 11:16:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your son is having a hard time dealing with his dads paralysis which is not uncommon. If the counselor is not discussing this him ask her why not, she may feel that the time is not right. Also counselors have patient privileges that require them not to discuss what they talk about (even to the parent) so she may already be trying to touch on the subject and he is unwilling so not to bring him into more of a cocoon she is taking it slow. Children are very fragile and sometimes if handled incorrectly or rushed into talking about something they don't want to they can become ticking time bombs. Talk to counselor and ask her why she is not or if she has touched this subject. If her answer is not satisfactory with you then find another counselor. But switching counselors can be hard because your son is comfortable with her.
So very sorry to hear of your hard times, things will get better. Until then stay strong for you and your children.
And it wouldn't hurt to have you and your daughter see someone as well just to stay Sane.
2006-08-24 11:28:04 · answer #3 · answered by sisinlovewithyou 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Young children have an especially hard time with this situation. In this situation the child internally blames himself, his mind has convinced him that it was his fault. Even when it has nothing to do with what every they did. Maybe the last words your son said to his Dad was not so nice and now your son believes it happened because he was mad at him.
I could speculate all day, but the best thing to do is to sit your son down, look him dead in the eye and tell him "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT." Things happen, and your Dad really misses you and wants to tell you how much he loves you, we all love you.
If is funny how the simple things can cure the worse of things.
I hope he will get better, your son and his Dad.
2006-08-24 13:14:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get him into see a CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST that deals with these types of issues. ESPECIALLY with you husband being paralyzed.
WOULD not hurt for the ENTIRE family to get into group counseling. Talk with someone at the hospital or rehab place to set this into motion.
YOUR son is grieving. Thinking about things in the past & future. It is normal for him to feel this way. He is also probably VERY ANGRY! He needs to vent & vocalize these feelings and NOT let them fester inside.
Try contacting your Local Mental Health Clinic, Child & Family Services & Juvenile Services. They are great tools to use.
2006-08-24 11:24:53 · answer #5 · answered by jennifersuem 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An 8 year olds mind is a bit different from an adults. He may know what happened but may not completely understand and may even feel a sense of abandonment.
If you have any pictures of his father, it may be good for you to sit down with him and go through the album, but make sure it's an enjoying experience, like of a "big daddy oops" or "dad and him playing superman". If he becomes engaged in the photos, explain to him what is going on with dad and reassure him that his father is thinking of him and thinking of dad will really help daddy through his process.
2006-08-24 11:11:07 · answer #6 · answered by Transformers20 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Change counselors. Find someone willing to listen to what you are seeing and who is going to address your concerns. Get in touch with your family doctor and see if he/she has any recommendations. Call your husband's doctors, physical therapists and anyone else dealing with his injuries. Someone will be able to give you the name of a counselor who specializes in issues like your son is having.
Hubby, a public school teacher, says to get him into counseling before school starts because school guidance counselors will just screw it up. Hubby has been in the public school system for almost 25 years, he knows first hand that school counselors can't be counted on for the big stuff.
It sounds like your son is in denial. He can't accept what has happened to his dad. And he's waiting for dad to walk in the house. The quicker he overcomes his denial, the easier it will be for life to move on for everyone in the family. If there's a grandfather in the picture, bring him more into the picture. Because the grandfather may help the transition to the current reality.
Good luck and our prayers are with you.
2006-08-24 11:13:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's hurting and he's probably overheard things that he shouldn't have heard. Counseling isn't always the way to go. Sometimes just being with him and maybe if he could see his Dad that may help.
Also, if the Councilor isn't focusing on the issue at hand, go an interview others...and I mean interview...they are working for you in the best interest of the child.
2006-08-24 11:10:13 · answer #8 · answered by voandginger 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest that you take your son to a totally diffrent hospital on a rehab ward or like to the special olympics type of event. Something that would show him about people that are paralyzed and how they still function!! It will get better he is probably really afraid and this is his way of dealing with it!
2006-08-24 11:14:05 · answer #9 · answered by mermaid90706 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you have to understand. for children, fathers are imortal. I can only imagine how hard it for the little guy. i know that it would have been the toughest of pills to swallow if i were faced with my father's mortality or had to see him not as my superman. in time he will adjust, but it will take a long time, especially from age 8, to then find his role in the family. i'm sure it is quite confusing to him why his father, the strongest of men, can't get up from the bed and shake it off. right now i'm sure he doesn't want to acknowledge it is a reality. give him time. remember, he is a boy and eight years old. his world is not the same as yours or mine. his is or till recently was still a perfect one and one of imagination. sometimes when children are forced to deal with the world at a young age, they recess backwards into the shadow and deal with it the only way they know how, to pretend it doesn't exist. he'll come around in time, just be patient. sorry about your husband.
2006-08-24 11:13:51 · answer #10 · answered by SST 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋