Is This Hole In My Chest Ever Going Away?

Question

I am a mother who was addicted to meth, for about a year. I lost everything including the respect of my children. I am doing great now and changed my life thru a lot of hard work. But, everytime I look in my childrens eyes, I remember how horrible I was to them, and I cant deal with it. I want to die sometimes, but even that seems like it is to easy. They are amazing and loving and forgive me, but I cant forgive myself. I hate myself for what I did, and I dont see it ever changing. Sometimes, I cry at night thinking of the times they were hungry and I was to high to care. They were and are teenagers, and like I said are the two most amazing people I have ever encountered, but, I cant live with it, I dont know how to forget. Any advice??

Answer 1

U need 2 4give URself.
U've come so far & fought 4 so long don't give up now.
Concentrate on the positives & find a way of 4giving.
Have UR kids 4given U?
If they can 4give so can U.
:)

Answer 2

Meth addiction- what a way to live, huh? When I read your question I could see my life. I used meth for 7 years. I got clean the first time when the state removed my children from my home in 2004. I had 11 months when I picked up that pipe again. Lost everything again in 6 months. I now have 9 months clean AGAIN, and this time I am working a recovery program.

This addiction will tear you up, as I am sure you know. I also dealt daily with the guilt that meth leaves behind. Along with the trainwreck you are left to clean up!!

My children forgave me also- they are great Kids!! I dont know why they even call me Mom sometimes. I know that I can be a good Mom, and I desire to be that Mom so strongly that I can feel the ache in my chest. And to live daily knowing that I had that chance over and over to get clean and chose meth kills me also. I also neglected my childrens needs because I was too high to care.

You CAN live past these feelings. Just look how brave you were to get clean- that was the BIGGEST step to loving and forgiving yourself. Look back at all the hard work you have done to get where you are today- for what? To just continually beat yourself up? NO- to get strong. To become the best Mother that you can be!! To provide, love, and restore what the addiction has taken!! Accept their forgivness, forgive yourself.

Pray-Pray-Pray-Pray!!!!!
Draw close to God. Draw close to your children.
Love yourself, and accept that there is nothing that you can do about your past- BUT MAKE IT BETTER.

You sound like a great woman. Email me for any support: [e-mail]

Answer 3

Sweetheart, you need to get on your knees and ask GOD for guidance and forgiveness. He will forgive you and your children have forgiven you, now it's time to forgive yourself. Of course you made a bad choice, you're human and the drugs consumed you. You weren't in the right state of mind and you should be proud of the fact that you kicked the habit and you have become the mother that you're supposed to be. Please don't let the past hunt you because it will take you to a place that you don't want to be. I know that you don't know me but I am very proud of you and you can use your experience to help other women that were in your shoes. Channel that sadness into the love that your children have for you and go from there because you have a new purpose in life now and that's being a true family. I wish you the best and once again, congratulations on being clean.

Answer 4

The important thing is not the past, but the future! You have done an amazing thing by overcoming your addiction. You also have amazing children that still love you and need you for the here and now! Please talk to a therapist about overcoming your guilt. Meth is a terrible thing, like all drugs..but you overcame it! All you can do is to keep proving to your children and yourself that you fought the beast and won..and don't ever for a second forget that you have a second chance that many people never get! You will probably never forget, but you can get past. It also helps to join a group of similar minded individuals, so that you can openly talk about it with others. Good luck..stay well, and take care of yourself and your kids! They are probably extremely glad to have you around still! Hugs.

Answer 5

Meditate or pray on this, whichever your belief system allows. Imagine that you are creating a giant lens in your mind. Imagine coming into the lens are all the intense feelings of guilt and shame that you feel. They are not constant, they are very intense feelings that subside and then come back like waves. Now Imagine coming out of the lens is a much less intense constant steady diffused energy that represents the the strength to keep off the drugs and bad behaviors, day after day, no ups and downs, always present.

It's a low-level energy that allows you to keep your guard up 24 hours a day, not a fleeting feeling like a rush or a guilt flash. That's what the lens does, it transforms and smoothes out the negative feelings and turns them into into constant, quiet, positive energy. Medidate on this and try to transform those negative and intense feelins into a steady, persistent motivation.

Answer 6

Hi Lisa, I have not personally been in your situation, alcohol was my drug of choice, but have had many yrs of guilt for that and how my life used to be. It has taken many yrs. some with counseling, some just teaching myself, we as humans make mistakes. Forgiving ourselves for something is very difficult, but it can be done. Keep the faith, if you believe in a higher power, that definitely helps. I didn't go to AA I did all this on my own, but it was a very hard road. But in order to forgive yourself you need to love yourself. You are worthy of being a good person, you are working on it already. For some reason to me it is easier to forgive someone else for a misgiving or mistake. But when it comes to ourselves we don't feel worthy of being forgiven, mainly by ourselves. You have reached out here and possibly in other ways with either family or friends or counseling. You are worthy of having a happy life. Believe in yourself, you deserve to love yourself, you are only human and we make mistakes. I hope this may help you in some way. If you want to email me feel free to do so on this site. Take care and hang in there!!!

Answer 7

You don't forget, forgetting would allow you to slip back in to it, you do however, have to forgive yourself, you made some big mistakes but that can't be what your life is about. Nobody could survive if their whole life was about one choice that they made. You said yourself you did a lot of hard work, you have to give yourself just as much credit for that as you did for the mistake you made. I'm sure that you have apoligized to them and are being a great mom now, this will actually make them feel more important, you saved yourself for them and that takes a lot of courage. Stop focusing on the bad, its over, you have made a million right choices since then, allow yourself to be proud of that. Look again, what you will see in their eyes if you stop looking through a veil of guilt is respect for what you have accomplished and joy that they now have all of you loving them. Don't stop hating what you did, but stop hating yourself, if you can justify hating YOU for the bad choices you made then you also have to be able to see the logic of LOVING yourself for the good ones you have made since then. You were lost in something that most people never, ever find the strength to pull themselves out of, but you did. Just let go, allow yourself to be as proud of you as you are of them...you are their mom and even if you did screw up some of the goodness in them they learned from you so if they are amazing people you must also be amazing. Let the past be the past, its in the books and can never be changed.....but today and tomorrow are a whole new story, one that you now have the wisdom to write anyway you want it to be. Make another choice, a choice to forgive yourself and value what you have done. Focus on the future, the past is gone. Good luck and congratulations to you, I am very proud of you and we have never even met so I can't imagine how proud they must be! Remember, nobody has perfect parents, no parent hasn't made some kind of mistake, its just part of being human but somehow our kids survive us and it all works out. Its about choosing your internal dialouge...whenever your brain starts dragging you back to the mistake you made LOUDLY scream inside your head yes BUT since then I have done this and this and this. Make a written list of your accompishments and what you have done right, read it whenever that old script plays in your brain...eventually your brain will learn to tell you about the good you've done instead of focusing on that one mistake.

Answer 8

I think you should count your blessings and be happy all that has changed. Yes, I know it's hard to deal with, but that's in the past. You have to keep it in the past where it bleongs. Learn from that awful experience, and NEVER repeat it. But don't let it eat you alive. You have to pick up and go on from here. With everything all of you have been through, your dying would only make it worse for them. Please get that scenario out of your head. You're their mother, and they need you very badly. Now they have you. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 9

I am very proud of you that you were able to turn around your life and even though you have made bad choices, the good and most powerful one youve made was to STOP! You should feel guitly of the pain you have caused them but also the joy youve brought to your family by changing yourself. They should be sooo proud of you and your descision to stop because everyone knows the hardest thing to do is to quit an addiction. Props to you

Answer 10

Hun, if you forget the past, you will forget the lessons it has taught you.
You know how you were and that tells you how you never want to be again.
Some counseling should help you get above your troubled past into a higher place where you can once again be proud of the person God created you to be.
God bless.