Any good jokes about God to share with?

Answer 1

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger..." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her *** in it!"

Answer 2

See if you can answer these correctly...




Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You

have to answer them quickly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.



OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.


Ready?



First Question:



You are participating in a race. You overtake the second

person. What position are you in?



Answer: If you answered that you are first,

then you are absolutely wrong!



If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are

second!





Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second

question, don't take as much time as you took on the first

question.




Second Question:



If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you

are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!



You're not very good at this are you?




Third Question:



Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do

NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30..

add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.



What is the total? Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.



Don't believe it? Check your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day.




Maybe you will get the last question right?




Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,

3. Nini, 4. Nono.



What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.

Read the Question again.

Answer 3

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the Inland Revenue seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself." "What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: "Government."

Answer 4

I wouldn't joke about God if I were I you, right now he is not very happy with humankind at the moment. Very shortly he is going to put an end to this system and those who do the joking. Read the Bible, you may just learn something to your advantage

[e-mail]

Answer 5

a christian woman gets caught in a flash flood luckily a boat is passin by but the woman says no!God will save me!flood gets worse an eventually another boat comes along tells the woman 2 get in but again she refuses sayin God will save her.eventuelly she ends up clingin 2 the roof of a house an a rescue hoelicopter spots her an lowers a rope but again the woman refuses,shoutin that God will save her at this point a boomin voice comes out of the sky sayin 'for goodness sake iv sent 2 boats an a helicopter,what more do u want?!'

Answer 6

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp

Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 7

40 Gypsies died and went to heaven.

>

> They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

>

> He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them, there was only

> room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

>

> A short while later St Peter went to see God and said" They've gone!"

>

> God replied, "Who, the Pikies"?

>

St. Peter replied, "No! The f***ing gates"!!!!

Answer 8

So there was this guy, Frank. He was a born-again Charismatic Christian, you know? The full works. All of a sudden he hears this warning on the TV. The river burst its banks and the town was going to be flooded. So, he went outside and...started cleaning his car. Some neighbours came by and said to him "Didn't you hear? There's going to be a flood."

"I'm not worried," says Frank. "God will save me." And he carried on cleaning the car. After a while, all of his neighbours had gone and the ground was starting to get wet. The water rose to the top of his shoes, so he went into the house.

The water continued to rise. He looked out of his bedroom window. The water had risen up to the top of the stairs. All of a sudden, he heard a noise outside and he opened the bedroom window. There was a lifeboat outside, and the crew were calling him.

"Hey, we heard you were still here. Come on, there isn't much time left. Get in the boat and we'll take you to safety."

Frank just smiled and said "God will save me. You go and find some other people. I'll be OK."

Anyway, the waters came up and up and Frank got out onto the roof of his house. After a while a helicopter came past and hovered overhead, The winch man called out to him "Come on board. It's not safe where you are/"

Frank just smiled and said "God will save me. You go and find some other people. I'll be OK."

So the helicopter flew off, and the waters rose. Soon it got up to Franks chin, so he started to swim. He swam and swam until he got tired. Then he sank. Then he died. Then he went to Heaven.

Frank stood before God and said "I thought you were going to rescue me. I trusted you. What happened?"

God said "I don't know. I sent you your neighbours, a boat and a helicopter. What did happen?"

Answer 9

Not about God, so much as nuns, St. Peter and Adam & Eve.

Three nuns die and meat Saint Peter at the pearly gates. He tells them they need to answer a question to qualify entry...

He asks the first nun "how many apostles were there", to which she answers "twelve" - sure enough he lets her in...

He asks the second nun "name the seven deadly sins", she obliges and sure enough he lets her in.

Finally, he asks the third nun "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam" - she ponders this, exlaiming "that's a hard one" - sure enough, he lets her in...

:-D

Answer 10

what did god do after he created a period of light and darkness spanning twenty four hours? he called it a day! sorry did you say GOOD jokes? cant help you there.