Do you tell a mature adult that she is going to die soon?

Question

My mum is 64. She has breast cancer. May have had it for several months but believed she was dealing with it very well without the help of modern doctors (and without informing any family member neither).
Two weeks ago she has been told she has cancer. She was very confident. Her health has decreased very rapidly since then and she is now very weak (can hardly talk). Doctors have decided to keep her in hospital today and have confirmed it is a matter of a few weeks.
She had lots of projects and finds it difficult to leave now.
I believe she should know and be told that she does not have much time left, so that she can "close her life" and prepare. Would you agree with this? If not, why not?

Apparently, the doctor told my dad she should never be told that she cannot be cured. Instead, what he told my mother is that her condition is extremely serious but that they would do everything they could to save her... What did she hear? "they are saving me". So now she feels more energetic and optimistic, although very very weak. Well, I am wondering if any favor is done to her. And yes, she told my dad she wanted to be told all the truth, whatever it is. Comments?

Answer 1

There are a number of reasons that your mother may have a shortened survival. If the doctors have determined that the cancer has spread to multiple organs (lung, liver, brain...) then that is definitely associated with shorter survival. If her overall physical health is poor, with poor nutrition and lack of appetite, then that can accelerate the process, of course.

I personally am very upfront with all of my patients and tell them what the "average" survival is for their particular condition. If there are other adverse factors present, then I am honest about informing them that this may result in a shortened survival.

In the US, our doctrine is to let patients have all of the necessary information possible so as to lead to their making a more informed choice regarding pursuing treatment (chemotherapy, radiation therapy, or surgery) or not (hospice).

Sorry to hear about your mother...

Answer 2

Well different individuals would react to a similar situation in very many different ways. I do not know your mom well enough so as to tell you what needs to be done by you and your family. But I would say that if your mom is a no nonsense person and she likes to know the truth straight then yes all of the family members need to come together and tell her that she is suffering from a cancer which according to doctors is at a stage that it cant be cured but even then they have not lost hope and similarly she should also not loose hope. After all none of us know what is going to happen to us in the next second. The deterioration in her condition could be due to the spread of her cancer to various parts or organs. May God be with you.


Dr. Mandar Arekar (M.D.- Internal Medicine)

Answer 3

There is no gentle way to tell a loved one they are dying. If this were you, would you want to know? Do you think your mother would want to know?

Nothing is going to change whats happening. It is the hardest thing you and your family are going through right now.

I know, I lost my husband last year to head and neck cancer. Major surgery, with a tracheotomy and stomach feeding tube. He had to have chemo and radiation treatments..... At the time we didn't know what his chances were. But the doctors knew he was dying before the treatments started. They did not tell us, and put him through a terrible torture for 5 months. It was unnecessary torture....because he was already dying and nothing would change.

If he had known.......he never would have gone through the treatments. My husband was denied those last months with his family and friends. The last month he could not talk at all because of the trach, and he couldn't write....because of the location of the tumor going to his brain...etc. But he was aware of everything and even could get up to go to the bathroom two days before he died.

I agree with you one thousand times. This is your mother's life, and she has the right to know. There may be things she wants to talk about, things you want to tell her. Maybe all she'll want is hugs. Don't let the doctors make decisions for you family.

There may be a point where your mom gets mad and angry.....but that will pass and hopefully she will accept what's happening. (My husband got angry....but I believe it was because he wasn't told when the doctors first knew he was dying and didn't tell us. I am still very angry.......becasue it was wrong of them.)

You can call hospice (the hospital should have that information). They will give you information on how they can help. Most of all.......they will not push you into a decision....but give you some choices to think about. Remember....this should be your mom's choice..........nothing is worse than giving someone false hope. And if your mom knows she has cancer, I'm sure she knows she's dying. If they are giving her lots of drugs......that can also make her sick and uncomfortable.

I can't tell you what's best for your mom, you and your family. I just know what happened to my family was horrible. I can tell you this, we only had my husband home for 6 days before he died. But we got hospice in.......my husband chose to stop any medications he was given for infection, his feedings, and his oxygen.......for 6 days he took back his life. He was more calm and comfortable. The only thing I gave him was morphine when he had pain. Our children were with us when he passed.......there was finally a calm about him......and it was beautiful.

My heart goes out to you and your family, and you'll be in my prayers!

Answer 4

Before you decide on an approach, gather all your resources:
1) get all interested parties (family, friends) to come to a meeting where
2) Hospice representative is on hand to give guidance. If you don't like the hospice person they send, request another, now is not the time to be "making do" with someone you would rather not deal with.

Round table it to find out what the consensus approach is to informing her of this most dire news. These people collectively have much knowledge of her and how she will react.

She may surprise you with her reaction. Frequently people already "know" on some level that they are going to die and have an inner strength to face the situation with more grace and dignity than you would imagine.

If she does not have a will, you might want to approach a probate attorney to get one in place, fast. If you don't want that route, and you should be able to get her to agree to what she wants done with her estate, take a video camera in and tape her statement. Immediately make unadulterated copies of it and put one in a safe deposit box, and distribute others to interested parties.

Plan to take some time off work under the Family Emergency Medical Leave Act, so you can attend to her needs. Have someone there with her at all times. She may have a strong desire to be at home, and make those arrangements, even if it means bringing in a hospital bed.

Make her last weeks as pleasant as possible. Fix and serve whatever she feels like eating. Be available and attentive, but do not force "chatty" conversation on her when she is not wanting that. Don't be afraid to touch her if she is a person who likes to be touched. Give her back rubs, or rub lotion into her forearms and hands. Stroke her forehead. Be there to listen. Be strong, it will help her know you are an adult and will continue to be successful in your own life, that her work on that project is complete. But don't be afraid to cry also, you need to look after your emotional health at this most trying time.

If you do this well, you will feel satisfied and proud, even though sad.

Answer 5

I don't agree that you should tell her she is "dying". People have been told this and gone on to live far longer than the doctors have stated. What you could say is that the doctors have said the cancer is advancing, and ask her if there is anything she'd really like to do in the coming weeks, and then help her to do whatever that is.

I'm sure your Mum already knows the situation deep down. The important thing is to be there for her and support her as much as you can, and make the most of every minute you have with her. Don't focus on the "end" - focus on what time she has left.

Answer 6

First let me say that I am sorry for what you are going through and I totally understand. I lost my mother 6 years ago to lung cancer and even knowing tht she was terminal there was that part in her that believed she would survive. I too held onto that belief. 8 months after her innitial diagnosis she started to recieve hospice care and the first thing her nurse told me was to not hide the fact that she was dieing. Don't pretend it isn't happening, or set up false hopes. Be real...as sad and hard as it was, we sat and we talked day after day ( I cared for her in my home until she died) about death. This not only helps you as the loved one semi prepare (you can never fully prepare) but allows the dieing to accept what is happening, make ammends, say goodbyes, etc...before leaving this earth. I also work as a CNA in a nursing home after my mothers death and we always let the person know what was happening with them, even if they were not mentally there...because really their mind knows and they need to know that it is okay. They need to know that their time is over but a new better life is still to come. I was afraid when my mother was dieing and wasn't really by her in her last few days...even though we were in the same house. But later as a CNA I walked and talked several people from this world to the other side. There is no greater gift than to sit and hold a dieing persons hand and guide them to the other side and it is obviously easier if the person kows that they are dieing...plus they need to know from their loved ones that it is okay for them to go...they do truly need an okay. Noone deserves to have false hope or believe that they are going to survive only to be dead in the end...so yes, sit, talk with her, put your feelings aside, and help guide her through her own mourning process...then later take care of yours. Good luck your in my prayers.

Answer 7

Yes, I believe you should tell her. My Grandmother had cancer 4 times and died a few years ago. She could not have anymore treatments and my family opted not to tell her the last time, because they were afraid she would give up and die faster. During the last couple of days she was in and out of consciousness and when she was able would tell us how she was not ready to die. She was adamant that it was not her time. I think that even though none of us know when our time will come, but like in this instance I think she should have been told. She may have felt like she needed some kind of closure with someone or something. I think it was very selfish of my family to not give her the opportunity to live the rest of her time to wrap up her life on this earth.

Answer 8

my mother died of cancer.. it would be best if she knew that she didnt have much time left so that she could prepare herself.. it's much better that way for her and for her family... she can get to arrange things while she is still able because time is short... it's not right that she should be kept in the dark about how much time she has left... i'm so sorry that you have to go through this although seeing that you are dealing with it will help her ... it will be a difficult time for you but knowing you have carried out her last wishes will help you come to terms with her death when it happens

Answer 9

you have committed the two fornication and adultery. i won't be able to think of a Christian no longer understanding that that's in basic terms unacceptable. I say hit your knees, confess to God, repent and by no ability ever touch this guy lower back. He have been given what he needed so flow on. Adulterers and fornicators do no longer inherit heaven! Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are take place, that are [those]; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Gal 5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Gal 5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I enable you recognize previously, as I even have additionally informed [you] in time previous, that they which do such issues shall no longer inherit the dominion of God.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear about your Mother. Yes I agree, but it shouldn't necessarily be your job to do so - either the doctors in the hospital or the MacMillan Nurse should be gently informing your mother. of her prognosis.

My Father died a few years ago - he was diagnosed with Cancer and died within 10 weeks, so I know the situation quite well.