I'm having some difficulty with my 4 year old, who keeps running out of his class. What do I do to help him?

Question

My son is 4 years old and he's in Pre-K, and goes all day. He leaves the classroom and lunchroom, runs away from the teachers, hides under chairs and generally will not follow the rules or instructions. He's even run outside before they could catch him. He throws fits, screams and cries, and even throws himself on the floor in his "hissy fits" when he doesn't want to do something or doesn't get his way. They (the school ... teachers and principals) are already near their wits ends with him, and are suggesting that he has "problems" and are wanting him evaluated for special education programs. Is this standard? Or are they just not wanting to work with my child? Any ideas, suggestions or advice out there? I really do need it!

Additional Info : He will have only been there for 2 weeks at the end of this week. I've already tried praise and incentives, but don't believe it's been long enough to be effective. When the teacher has trouble out of him, he is sent to the Asst. Principal or the Principal's office. They don't seem supportive of the idea of me going to help with him. It's a public school, and to my knowledge I can't just remove him once he is enrolled. They've suggested cutting it down to half a day for a week or two.

Answer 1

I have a child that has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. He was enrolled in the public school's preschool program at the age of 3. He is now 7 and starting his 5th year of public school. His first 3 years were in resource classes (special ed), but his kindergarten, and now his 1st grade years, have been in mainstream classrooms. And, since the beginning, he's gone full days.

Over the years of preschool, I saw alot of children in those classes with various diagnoses. Some extreme, some subtle. And, I witnessed children that just couldn't "conform" to what everyone around them wanted or needed. However, they are able to assign more teachers to these classrooms to properly care for these kids. So, it really is a "favor" for the kids, too. They get the specialized attention they need to prepare them for later.

And, as with my child, just because they start out there, doesn't mean they stay there. My child has had his "normal" school years (K -1) in mainstream classes. However, without pre-k, he wouldn't be here. They done the same thing over and over and over and over for 3 years, but sometimes it takes that for some kids.

But, they do know that these kids are still just kids. They have free time, play time, nap time, snack time, etc. It really is no different that if you were working as you are now but putting them in daycare. Only in pre-k, he'll get the prep he needs for later.

With all of these new laws, like NCLB (No Child Left Behind) and others, there are alot of things out there to benefit your son. The public school will test him for free, but they have to have your permission. If you don't like their results, take him yourself to the appropriate specialist for a private evaluation.

Testing can be a good thing. It can actually do your child a favor if there is a problem, on ANY level. And, I'm the number one mom that doesn't want my child to carry around a lable or a diagnosis for the rest of his life. However, knowing what we're facing has obviously helped in getting him the appropriate treatment and intervention.

If he does have a diagnosis, even a minor one like develpment delay, at least you will "KNOW" what you're dealing with and can better address the situation with appropriate methods. And, in a year or two, I'd imagine he'd be ready for a mainstream class. But, he's got to learn to stay "in line" not just to NOT distract the other children, but so that he can learn, TOO!

And, if it makes you feel any better, my child was kicked out of daycare when he was just 2 years old! Apparently, he was too "out of control" and wouldn't sit still for story time or take naps. Can you imagine a daycare "professional" that would do that to a two-year old! Talk about making this mama cry! How in the world could my little baby be so bad that someone would kick him out at only two years old?!

But, we've used various forms of intervention over the years to find out what works best for him. And now, using the "Red Light" system for behavior (red=bad, yellow=fair, green=good), my son has had NOTHING BUT green days every day for the last 2 1/2 years of school. I even enforced it at home and for awhile all I had to do threaten it and he'd get upset and "straighten up." Now, about once per month, I'll give him "the LOOK" and he gets inline! lol (I didn't know if he'd ever be receptive to "the Look!")

There's light at the end of the tunnel. If you'd asked me 3 or 4 years ago, I'm sure I wasn't as optimistic. PS: In his academics, he tests in the top portion of his class consistently. He certainly can't do this by running out of the room or otherwise not "listening."

Best wishes!

Answer 2

Well, part of the problem is that he has only been there for 2 weeks... he hasn't had time to settle into the routine yet. Some children take longer than others to get into the routine and get used to being away from mom. Another part of the problem is the teacher not dealing with the behavior herself- sending him off to the "principal's office". This tells the child who is in charge... and it's not the teacher. Children are very smart- and they figure out quickly the social ladder. If your child is constantly sent off to a higher authority than the teacher, he will not gain respect for the teacher's authority. Non-compliance is common in 4 year-olds, however, violent aggression is not. Questions that come to mind... How many staff are in the room with the children? If it is 12-15 to one staff, that is WAY too many children to provide adequate coverage. At this point, without observing your child or having more information- I could not difinitively tell you that he needs to be assessed... it sounds more as if there is a problem with the staffing issues described above. So called, "problem children" are usually just children that are a little more difficult to work with... and if a pre-k doesn't have adequate staff, they tend to try to push the child out, saying the child has a problem. It is early... 2 weeks is not long of an adjustment period. Give it a while longer, and try again to get the staff and principal on the same page with you. Behavior modifications work best when all parties involved are working towards the same goals. Good luck!

Answer 3

I am not a doctor, but as a mother with a hard to handle boy, I have learned the following:

All day is a really long time for Pre K. Some children just need to spend more time with their family. You might try shortening the length of time he is at Pre K 2 -3 hours at a time, then generally lengthening it. (Like 2 hours for 1st two months, then 2 months of 3 hours, then 2 months of 4 hours, etc.)

Also make sure when you leave him at school you are not lingering. It causes more separation problems when mothers linger and coddle. One good hug and kiss and the reassurance that you will be back then out the door. Both my son's Pre K teacher and K teach were adiment about this. Then make sure you are on time picking him up, so he doesn't feel like you forgot.

Also voluteer to be a parent helper. This may show your child that there will be days when you are there to participate and join in. On those days don't let him completely hang on you, let him know it is your job to help with all the children, and that he needs to share you, just for a little while.

There may be at some point and time that if you see no behavior improvements testing maybe necessary, but at this point he may just be wearing the teacher out.

Best of luck from a mom who has been there...

Answer 4

I am having the exact same problem except I am the special ed teacher and there are 3 kindergarten students who run away from their classroom, throw temper tantrums, and basically distract the class enough that the other students can not learn because these students take up the teacher's time when she has to constantly correct their behavior. Since the start of school last week, we have always had at least 2 adults in the classroom at all times, sometimes even 4 for the children's safety and to help out the regular ed teacher. These students are not in special ed, but they will be tested for it eventually if their behaviors continue and other interventions do not work. Trust me, we want to work with the students as much as possible, but what some parents don't understand is that the other children are suffering because of one, or in my case 3, student(s). I have never heard of a child being tested for special ed being seen as the school not wanting to work with the parents. When the students are in special ed they will be getting the attention they need, will hopefully progress, and will be supported by more than just the regular teacher. In my case the students vary, one has been diagnosed with autism, another I believe is just not prepared for kindergarten and his family is not helping him at all, and the other I think is just really, really hyper but very smart. I am not saying your child is like any of these, because we all know every child is different but in any case their behavior or diagnosis is "adversely affecting their education" so therefore they need special services. I think you should support the school's decision and help them in any way you can. You sound like you already are, which is great. At this age it is very important to teach the children the basics in behavior and social skills and special ed can only help teach these along with many other skills. Good Luck!

Answer 5

I own a 4 year old that would never be safe enough for a young rider on the other hand I ride a 4 year old pony that was bought for a 6 year old and is better than most more mature horses. It all depends on the horse. It is not that my horse is a bad horse, it is just that she is not mature or self confident enough to have someone on here that can not guide her. 4 year olds can be tricky and some days be great and other days decide to test you. So if I were you I would ride the horse multiple times before purchasing him. If the owner is not willing to let you do that then she does not trust the horse. By you saying I've never had a horse that young you probably have owned horses before and know how difficult your own horse can be so I won't go into details about how lesson horses are much different than horses that are ridden by only one person usually.

Answer 6

maybe a full day program is too much right now. could you try a less structured program such as a parent co-op preschool? and how long has he been attending this program? you need to have a child in your program at least a month or two before you even think of evaluating him for problems. what suggestions have they given you to help improve behavior? what are THEY doing? could you help out during the day with your son? or does that make his problems worse? I just think he is on overload right now, if he hasn't attended for that long and is new to that preschool. ADDED NOTE!: why is he required to attend all day pre-K?? where are you at in the world? I don't know of any US program that requires pre-k in a public school a requirement. Two weeks is too short of time too label him as a 'problem' child at his age. Nothing is being done in the class to help him, a 4 yr old doesn't understand 'getting sent to the office'. Discipline (training him the right ways of a class) has to be done in class at this age. this sounds like a way too structured program for him. I'd get him out ASAP in a more loving, developmentally appropriate program that I'm sure will lead to school success. Sounds more like he is scared to death there and just wants to find mommy.

Answer 7

First I want to say take a deep breath. Defining what is wrong could take time. As a teacher I have a student in my class that displays some of the same behavior. However, my class size is 15 so I am able to provide more attention to his needs. Check with the state your in but in California it is the law that a Parent CAN spend time in the child's classroom. I am surprised that the teacher didn't welcome this opportunity. Personally I would love to have a parent volunteer. You should speak to the teacher again. Remember your time there is to help all students while being available if a situation does arise with yours. Having your son take an IEP (individualized education plan) could help discover if there is a learning problem. What about his Pediatrician. Have you spoken to him about this? My hope is that your participation will help eliminate many of these concerns. Email me if I can be of more help. Good luck!

Answer 8

I say if they recommend having him tested then do it. I've seen many children whose parents do not want them tested but in the long run regretted it because they could have helped them sooner. It's for the child's good and also the educators because it's very hard to deal with a child who cannot control themselves. I know this sounds harsh but 2 year olds don't do what your son does. If you can help him now and have no regrets later why not? Good luck!

I also agree with dolphin mama that ratios are very important especially when a child is hard to handle and runs away. I'm sure the school is in compliance but public schools are usually stretched to their limits and it is difficult to give one special needs child the attention they need and deserve. You may want to look into another program with less students per teacher.

Answer 9

There are lots of issues here.
1. The 1st is whether your child is ready for full-time pre-K - alot of kids aren't and you might consider a part-time program.
2. Is there a way for you to be there to help him transition?
3. Does he throw tantrums at home when he doesn't want to do something or doesn't get his way? If so, you need to deal with that at home before it can be dealt with in school.
4. What kind of pre-k is it? Is it suitable for your child? Is it open, warm, loving? Is it rigid, controlling, etc.? You might need a different program.
5. What kind of teachers are there? Are they experienced? Have you observed them in a classroom setting?

Most important of all is emotional maturity levels. Boys have a harder time generally making these kinds of transitions. They are often not ready to leave Mom and are slower to develop the social, behavorial and language skills needed in this type of environment. There should be no problem seeking outside evaluation - in fact, it should put you at ease and, yes, it is a standard suggestion. But remember, a lot of parents actually hold their kids back until they are ready to go to school/kindergarten, and it's okay to do this - in fact, quite a number of educators recommend it. The extra time to mature can make all the difference in the world. Take a deep breath, consider all the possibilities and make some choices. You want a happy camper not a miserable child!

Answer 10

He sounds as though he is manipulating you and his teachers. He is avoiding/escaping something he feels is unpleasant. He may have "special needs", but it really sounds like he needs a firm, seasoned teacher, and you need to listen to their suggestions. Children will continue to display behavior that gets them the desired result and his running away is getting him the attention that he wants. At home, when he throws a "hissy fit", walk away and don't acknowledge the behavior. Tell him you will give him attention when he demonstrates calm behavior. Don't give in every time he cries. Stop reinforcing his tantrums. He is probably hoping to get thrown out of school, so let him know in no uncertain terms, that he is going, tears or no tears. Good luck!