should I marry him??

Question

so I'm 19 and I'm in love with my fiancee. Him and I are best of friends which is totally awesome and just found out that were going to have a baby!! The problem is that I've promised myself that I would never ever marry a smoker (cause I'm not a smoker, I can't stand the smell of smoke it physically makes me sick) and I've told my guy that I will stay with him forever but if he's still smoking I won't marry him (just stay common-law) he's tried to go on the patch and on zyban but they both failed and now he said that he would rather die from cancer than to try and quit smoking .. should I stay with my promise and stay common -law or should I marry the man I love for the sake of the baby?? I know this is a simple question I just wanted to get some advice from someone other than in my circle of friends

I forgot to tell you... I've been on my own since I was 16 so I've been working like a normal adult for 3 years. him and I been together for a year and it was for the better that we live together so its like we live like a married couple already its just were not married.

Answer 1

Why on earth did you stay with him then, and especially get intimate with that disgusting smell? Sounds to me you weren't TOO put off. Well, you made a baby. Time to get married and raise a healthy child. His smoking is currently the least of your worries; you have other mistakes to mend.

Answer 2

No, you are not old enough to see what really matters. If you think that just because you made a promise to yourself to never marry a smoker is a good enough reason to not marry this man then you are not mature enough to know what real love is. And while we are still on the topic....... why even date a guy who smokes if you know you won't marry him??? Dating is how you get to know if you are compatible enough to marry someone. If someone has a "flaw" that you said you would NEVER want in a mate.....then why do it??

But if you still want to marry him then here is the other side..... go ahead and do it. You have been living with this man and his smoking for sometime now and are already like a married couple. What is so different with ACTUALLY being married???? The ring on your fingers???

Answer 3

Your reason for not wanting to marry him makes no sense because you're willing to be with him in a common law situation, which is pretty much, the same as marriage- just minus the paper. You'll still be around him and the smell of smoke. Your baby will still be around him and the germs that come from second hand smoke, even if he never smokes around the baby.

I am a smoker, so I'm not speaking against your fiancee. My opinion is that your reason for not wanting to marry but is willing to be in a common law situation makes no sense. How could your relationship with him last as long as it has? I don't see him becoming a smoker within the last few months. If you hate the smell of smoke so much, how can you be in a common law situation (live in) with him now?

I think the bigger issue is his attitude about his life. If you have a baby coming, this is no time for him to decide that he'd rather die of cancer than to quit. Remind him of who's life will be priority whether you're married to him or not- that baby's. It makes no difference whether you're married to him or not, if you share the same space, you'll get the same result.

Congrats on the baby!

Answer 4

Newsflash: you have already committed yourself to this man by having his child. Marry him. He can smoke outside.

If you don't marry him, your child could be ostracized by other kids and worse yet- their parents. I saw it many MANY times when I was a teacher. There are a lot of people who still don't respect single parents- committed or not. It can affect your professional and social future in a negative way.

If you love him and smoking is the only bad thing -get over it! If he is a good man then let it go, there are many worse things to worry about. Just make sure he doesn't smoke around the baby.

Another thing is that people are more apt to accept you and your child. These people aren't all snobs, they have traditional morals and don't allow their children to associate with those from families who aren't like them.

You may think you don't care what people think or not believe people are prejudiced but I guarantee you they are out there in large numbers and it can affect your child socially and emotionally -especially if they know they are being left out because they are considered to be from a lower social status.

If you don't marry this man because of the smoking, please don't tip the odds against your child by calling the father a "baby daddy" or "boyfriend" or anything other than "his/her father."

You will look back when your child is grown and know you made the right decision getting married. Even if you marry and it doesn't work out down the road at least you can honestly say "my ex" which is much better than people thinking you were a loose woman who wasn't good enough for the father to marry.

Sick world we live in, but I do speak the truth.

Peace :)

Answer 5

Okay, u got some points in here that needs to be put out there. 1. You are 19...what do you know about life and love. How many other relationsships have you been in? Compare those to this relationship and if you have no others then you are not ready to get married due to maturity.
2. Being in love with someone is about giving just to give in, not because you feel you have to. Has he seriously tried to quit. Nicotine is only addictive for 2 days. Anything else is a mind thing which can be covered by eating sunflower seeds. Also if yo are in love then you woulndn't mind him smoking as long as it doesn't affect you or yall child's physical health.
3. Common Law- have fun shacking with no real commitment
4. If you are going to get married because your pregnant then you will be divorced in 2 years because your child is a toddler.
All in all, this is your decision. I say don't get married yet because you are not ready due to the points I have just expressed.

Answer 6

If you have to ask that question, the answer has to be NO.

You should never compromise your own principals for someone else. You will come to resent them very soon, if you do. It is more important now that you not have a smoker in the same house as your new baby. The baby is completely innocent, and should not be subjected to the diseases that second hand smoke cause.

Tell the boyfriend that he'll have to leave, since you need to ensure a healthy environment for your baby. He obviously thinks more of his addictive habit than he does of you. If YOU were more important, he would have already quit. It's not that hard to quit if you really want to...I quit myself after 25 years of smoking a minimum of a pack a day (at one time I was up to 4 packs a day). And I quit cold turkey, without any chemical help. But I succeeded because I really WANTED to quit.

Answer 7

It's not a simple question...

In the eyes of people who aren't you they will say yes get married and get over the fact that he smokes, but I am the exact same way as you. I HATE smoking and refuse to be with anybody who does...It is disgusting and i can't breath when i am around it. I'm sure you both have tried a lot of things to get him to quit and i know you said he doesn't want to keep trying to quit, but he really needs to. At least cut down and try not to do it around you (or the baby when it is born). Try to work out some kind of compromise before you decide to get married because whatever decision you make that's the decision you're living with forever...

(If you're asking us if you should or not then you might already know it's not a good idea, getting married is something you want to be 100% sure about)

Answer 8

First, I would not let him smoke around me or y'all's baby. I would then tell him to start smoking outside of the home and vehicles. If he truly loves you, he would do this for you and y'all's baby. Second, if you love him, like you said you do, marry him. Every one have faults or bad habits, none is with out them. Look pass the smoking and see the reason why you are with him and why you love him. You fell in love with him knowing that he is a smoker so I think we a human beings should be able to get pass things and live life. I pray he does stop smoking. Who knows when he sees the baby he could realize it is not worth it. Follow your heart and just be happy with the decision you made. You will have to live with it, not any one else. Good luck and congratulations on the baby and the Wedding?? Keep us inform.
One more thing my husband and I was together since I was 18. Two years later we had a son and moved in together. We lived together for two years then we finally got married. We have been married for nine years and together for 14 years. It has not been always easy but who said it ever would be. But our love has kepted us together. I could not imagine my life with out my husband. He is my soul mate. You and your fiancee knows how y'all truly feel about each other. Can you stand to be apart from him? Can you imagine not having him around, to wake up to and just to look at him and know why you fell in love with him? If you can't then marry him. Good luck again and God bless you, your fiancee, and the little bundle of joy.

Answer 9

You've been with him a year, and cannot stand the fact that he smokes? or you just won't marry him because he smokes? Seeing as how you are already living together as common law marriage, you might want to consider the possibility that if you left him now you'd have to get divorced because of common law marriage.
If you truely love him, stick it out. Right now the cigarettes are an addiction, and they are a HARD habit to break. If nothing else, set the rules that you cannot smoke in the house. Works for us. It might get him to slow down on the smoking as he needs to decide if he wants to step outside to have a cigarette.

Answer 10

If you met him as a smoker there is nothing to change that. My fiance smokes and I have told him to quit smoking but he wont, even after the baby came he said he would quit but not a chance. I make him smoke in the restroom so I dont have to smell it. He puts airfreshner when he is done and puts cologne. I was a smoker but quit. People make it seem hard to stop smoking but it is just all in the mind. But if your common law what is the difference if you marry him.It's the same thing. you'll get over it. I did

Answer 11

If you are staying common law anyways, you aren't really making a point to him. If you said you would leave him if he didn't quit smoking, that might make a difference. I hope he doesn't smoke in the house with you pregnant, and won't smoke around the baby. Perhaps telling him how much smoking is hurting his child's health might get him to see that it's not all about him. So, I guess what I'm saying is go ahead and marry the man if you love him and he makes you happy. There are worse things in a husband than smoking. Just ask him not to do it in the home, around you, or especially around your baby.