Elderly mother: assisted living home or live in your home?

Question

My mother is not elderly yet, but in 15-20 years she will be.

I am her only child and she has no husband/boyfriend.

She has told me before that she plans to live with me when she is too old to take care of herself.

I must be a horrible person because I have a job, a wife and plan to have children and I really don't want to quit my life and stay home to take care of her.

My mom is mean to my wife too, and I doubt my wife would want to live with my crazy mother til she dies.

Is it horrible to plan to put your mother in an assisted living home? I would pay for her living expenses and visit her.

What is a child obligated to do?

Financially I can not build her a guest home or a basement. In fact, I live in a two story home and if she is unable to walk up stairs I could not buy another home to accommodate her.

I also could not quit my job (neither could my wife) and I could not pay to have a full time nurse in my house either.

Also, my decision is not influenced by my wife. My mother did not take care of me growing up, she actually sent me to live with my father because she needed more time to spend on her BOYFRIEND. She has been controlling and mentally and verbally abusive to myself and my wife as well. These are all reasons why I mentally, emotionally and financially cannot live with my mother.

Answer 1

That is a very tough question. My opinion--If she cannot live under your roof and not "rule the roost" then she needs a place of her own. Cruel but my opinion. (This could split your marriage--is it worth that--don't think so.)

Answer 2

If your mom has 15-20 before she is "elderly" the best thing you can do right now is investigate long term care insurance for her. Assisted living is not cheap and as you mentioned having someone come in the house to provide care is extremely expensive as well. If she is still healthy she will qualify. If you don't take care of this now, your choices are going to be limited to medicaid funded facilities or bringing her to your home. (Assisted living starts around $3000 a month, nursing homes around $5000!)

Do not feel guilty about not wanting her to live with you - sometimes the roles get reversed and you become the parent and she becomes the child which can make an already uncomfortable relationship unbearable - especially if your wife gets put in a position of having to care for her. Allow her to remain "mom" and get her finances in order now. Then when she moves to a retirement community maybe she can find herself a new husband or boyfriend (it happens!) and you can visit as a family not as a burden.

You are then putting the care in the hands of professionals who are experienced in caring for the elderly - you are not. You will do yourself and your mother a disservice by trying to be a son and a caregiver if you are not prepared for it. Just some things to think about, luckily you have time.

Answer 3

I worked for an assisted living facility for a summer. If you really don't think you could handle it then you should send her to an assisted living facility. But if you do that make sure that you still go visit her because people get very lonely there without their families! Also plan to take her out somewhere on a regular basis so she can have a change of scenery. They really enjoy that and have a good time when they feel like other people still care about them. Make sure you check out the place you will send her to before you agree to anything. Have a tour, make sure their residents have activities weekly, make sure the employees treat them kindly and with patience. Ask if you can see some rooms. Ask if they do housekeeping, laundry, serve the meals or buffet, what kinds of meals they have, who is in charge of medication, etc.
If you think you would have to stay home with her all the time she might need to go to a nursing home.

Answer 4

that is a hard one, but you really need to do what it right for your family. Would it be right to your wife and kids to be if you brought your mother in and she changed everything for you? I think as long as you visit her, and take her places and not just let her sit there feeling alone and unwanted that she will understand in the end. She will be able to be around people her own age, and if she needs any medical by then, she can get it there. Not being mean here, but how would it affect your kids if she was not in good health and was at your home and passed away and one of the kids saw that? I think the out come of that would be far worse than having her in a assisted living home... just some thing to think about

Answer 5

You know what.....there is 2 answers to this question.....I think it is ok to do either one.....as long as your mother is happy and you and your wife are happy.....If it makes you feel better to pay for her living arrangements then do that...whatever helps you to get through this...but you never know by the time your mother gets old enough to go to an assistant living place your wife and mother may have made mends and you guys might have a basement made into a little house just for her and live happily ever after....I feel your pain I am the only child too...unfortunatly my mother died in 2000 at the age of 45.....and my father lives a ways from here and is mean to me so I dont think I will have to deal with this ever...but if I do I will keep your question in mind......

Answer 6

when you were the only child at home and were driving her mad or when you were sick and she helped you back to health and brought you to school and after school stuff and parties and let you use the car, she reared you. feel bad that's your inner guide telling you off. a home, she didn't do that to you. building a guest house for her and having her near with her grand kids, is like the best thing you can do overall. what are we saying, who knows, i know she doesn't want this, but , she may very well out live you. i .ve had a feeling from the beginning that your wife is the one, but your to busy or don't want to loose or get the woman mad, since, she's probably mad as it is. (assumption, i have a gut feeling), no question keep her near and dear. you grew up and seem decent because you speak about having a family of your own. in the year 2006 we need to stay together. she'll have some sord of income that can be compiled with yours and your wifes. you're a good kid come on hold on to your mom, unless you can afford a retirement village on an american beach front where she'll love it, with good doctors and nurses around the clock, yeah right, you can have that at your place too. i would take in mom but i have my mom, thank you Jesus...p.s. it's worse when you have siblings, cause if they're like me ya'll will be fighting over who'll keep her and if they're like you then she'd have all ya'll trying to rid of her in the attic or someplace. i'm just taken by this so much, please change your heart especially before you have kids of your own, karma is not nice, to put it nicely...

Answer 7

Assisted living is fine, because at least you admit that you don't have the time to give her the best care possible. Also, most homes provide them with the medical care they need, and also entertain them with activities.

As long as you put her in a generally clean and caring home, I guess you've fulfilled your obligation. My husband's grandmother was in one before but it was horrible, smelly and the nurses didn't pay much attention to her, so we had to put her in another one--best to check around for the better ones, and make sure it's close enough that you could visit her every now and again.

Also, make sure you sort out your and your mom's finances/assets. Homes can be very expensive, depending on the area. My grandmother in law's home costs about $3,000 per month. So research on her insurance/social security if they will be able to cover that much, plus extra for her miscellaneous medical bills.

Answer 8

So in 15-20 years time, you should take her in.
When and if she needs assistance, then you can send her to an assisted living home.

Here's the plan:

-Since she is not old yet, get her to stay near you but not in your house so that you can be there for her in case of emergencies.

-When she can't take care of herself, (like not able to buy groceries or cook on her own) then have her stay with you. Your wife just have to tolerate her since she is so old already.

-When she is so old that she needs medical and nursing care, then you may send her to an assisted living home.

Put yourself in her shoes. How would you like your child to treat you if you were in her position? If she has been loving to you when you were dependent on her, you should decide what to do with her with compassion and filial piety. Without your mother, you wouldn't be who you are now.

As for your wife, it is easy to take the easy way out, ie not care for your mother. If she were her own mother, what would she have done? By the time your mother reaches the stage where she is so old, she should have mellowed and won't be so mean. Even if she is you can tell her that she is mean to your wife and you won't stand for it. Try to sort things out for both parties ie your mother and your wife.

Answer 9

You are in a tough position. If it were me, I would see if there were any other family members that could help her or put her in assisted living. She is your mom but she doesn't have the right to be mean to your wife. And you don't want to have bad feelings between yourself and wife over this. I have discussed this with my own parents and they said that they want to live alone as long as possible and then if necessary put them in a nursing home. You do need to make this decision on your own though. Talk to your mom.

Answer 10

I have worked in an assisted living home before. They ar not that bad, just check them out carefully. The saddest thing is to see the people slowly slip away because no one ever takes the time to visit them. You must make the time to make visits, that is the most important thing. She may like having some independence still, but in your home, she may try to take control. She is used to being ablt to do whatever she wants after all.

Answer 11

How selfish of her to expect it from you when she is so mean to your wife. Start looking for a great home for elderly. ... because although you have an estimate on when it would be time...you never know...it could happen sooner. The caregivers will make her feel at home in no time. I have two sons...and I'm still very young. I'm already telling myself that when I'm old I will never be a burden to my kids. I will help as much as I can...but when it's time to have help for myself- a good home will do just fine....maybe I can help here and there at such a place, too...even if it's just talking to my fellow residents. She will feel miserable no matter where she will be. Trust me I've seen all kinds of personalities in elderly home care facilities. Such individuals like your Mom wouldn't be happier at home...they will only make their loved ones feel miserable, too.
You will do your wife and kids a great favor...and yourself, too- start planning now.