Got a good joke ? Let's hear em.?

Question

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business..you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say "Times up" ?

Answer 1

ok...a blonde is at a traffic light paddeling a canoe. The blonde driving an SUV in the next lane rolls down the window and yells
"You, in the canoe! You are the kind of blonde who makes all blondes look dumb!"
The blonde in the canoe looks up at the SUV driver and yells back
"If that's what you think why don't you step outside that big SUV and kick my azz?"
The SUV blonde said
"I would but I'm not getting out in this raging river!"

Answer 2

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday



Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink



A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.


Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Answer 3

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 4

this guy had a real small penis,so he went to the doctor to see what could be done.and the doctor says in your case we have a surgical technique where we sew an elephant trunk muscle to your penis,with few options he decides to have it done a couple of weeks later hes on a date their sitting at the dinner table and out of the corner of her eye she thought a she saw something grab a dinner roll and drag it under the table she dismisses it a few minutes later she sees it again and she say OK what was that the guy say well i didn't want to scare you and tells her about the operation she says wow! make it do it again the guys says i can only fit two dinner rolls up my butt

Answer 5

An Indian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Pakistani man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the Pakistani who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Pakistani : "You Indian folks eat the whole bread??"

Indian (in a bad mood): " Of course."

Pakistani : (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Pakistan, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India."

The Pakistani has a smirk on his face.

The Indian listens in silence.

The Pakistani persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Indian : "Of Course."

Pakistani : (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling), "We don't. In Pakistan we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India ."

The Indian then asks: "Do you have sex in Pakistan ?"

Pakistani : "Why of course we do", the Pakistani says with a big smirk.

Indian : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Pakistani : "We throw them away, of course."

Indian : "We don't. In India , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Pakistan.

Answer 6

There were 2 italian tourists on a coach and they were having a conversation. A woman nearby ignored them at first until she heard this.:-"EMMA COMES FIRST, THEN I COME.2 ASSES COME TOGETHER, THEN I COME.TWO ASSES COME TOGETHER AGIAN THEN I COME AND PEE TWICE, AND THEN I COME AGAIN.".
ThE WOMAN SAID" IN THIS TOWN WE DONT TALK ABOUT OUR SEXUAL LIVES IN PUBLIC!"
THE ITALIAN SAID"I WAS ONLY TEACHING MY FRIEND HOW TO SPELL MISSISSIPPI!"

Answer 7

How do you embarrass an archeologist???????????????give up