Do you know any good clean jokes? Funny Family Stories?

Question

Must be Funny :)

Answer 1

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds


AND IT BETTER BE THERE".



The next morning Dave got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.



Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Funeral services for Dave have been scheduled for Friday.

Answer 2

Why is 6 afraid of 7, beacuse 7 ate (8) 9

Answer 3

Subject: Adam and Eve



"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake,
but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in
such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will
also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but
what's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will
have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."


……………………………………………………………………………………..










A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!



Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a
date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall; and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:





You got Male!

Answer 4

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.


The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."


Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Answer 5

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

because it was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

because it was on the dead one's back.

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

because it thought they were playing 'follow the leader'.


Now why did the kangaroo die?

because three koalas fell on top of him!

Answer 6

How do you confuse Michelle e. ? Put her in a room with an indian so they can both figure out that you can't piss in the corner in a round room !!

Answer 7

What do you get when you cross a river and a brook?


Wet feet

Answer 8

whats black white and red all over?

- a skunk with a diaper rash