learning to trust men?

Question

okay, I was sexually abused for years by my father. Hes in jail now and everythings fine. Ive been noticing though that I have this akward feeling around adult men. Its not horrible, just akward, but Im also taking child development now. We talk about certain topics like, when kids in my class were little and there parents did certain things like taking pics of them playing naked, and other things like that. It completley freaked me out! I guess I dont understand whats normal and whats not with kids? I want to grow up and get married and have kids, but Im realizing, if I do, my husband will live in hell, because Im never going to trust him. Im never going to trust any men around my kids. And they obviously cant live like that. Is there anything i can do to build up trust? Ive been through so much counsling I could scream. I never want to see another counsler as long as I live. I just dont want to screw up in the future because of this

oh, Im 17 years old

and Im not akward around guys my age or even 19, 20 just older older guys

Answer 1

That you're so dead set against counseling disturbs me, because the counseling that you've already had clearly hasn't done the job (went to the wrong counselors, perhaps?). But I'll offer what little help I can here.

The first step in learning to trust men is to spend time around trustworthy men. This will probably involve accepting input from female friends whose judgment you trust, as your own is so badly biased.

After you've been around some guys who have good track records, the next step is for you to make a conscious decision to give credit where credit is due. Stop viewing every man as a potential abuser, because the truth is that most of us aren't. That's a form of damage that is far from universal (remember that many, possibly most, abusers were victims first). I've seen women get into trouble with this one many times; the guy who can be trusted gets punished for the sins of the bad boys and players while the smooth-talking creep gets forgiven repeatedly.

This is not to say that you should give up your suspicion; it will serve you well if properly directed. Remember what I said about smooth-talking creeps? That's exactly the kind of man whom you shouldn't trust. The better he is at pushing the right buttons the less you can trust him.

Keep in mind that abuse, molestation and rape are less about sex than they are about power. You can test how a man (ab)uses power simply by observing how he treats people over whom he has a measure of power. A man who is rude to the help when he goes out to dinner will be equally rude to you once he thinks you're hooked. A boss who bullies his employees will also bully his wife or his children. And run away screaming from any man who talks down to his own friends. Find men who are more sincere than smooth, more polite than powerful, and you'll be more likely to find men whom you can trust.

Answer 2

Getting over the past is the major hurdle here. If you can't put the past behind you then you have no hope of ever being able to trust anyone completely again. I'm sorry to hear what has happened in your past, but you must try and stop comparing every guy to the ones who have hurt you, or you will always expect the worst and the relationship will never work.Not every guy will cheat or hit you, most guys are decent people who want the same out of life as yourself.

Answer 3

Deeply tough. Going through something like that as a child has tremendous psychological effects on a person as a child. For one it’s the betrayal of trust. Having someone that you love and even respect take advantage of you. Being so young and so confused and afraid of what to say or who to tell, having it haunt you every night for years and making it so hard to ever really trust people completely again. I’ve known a few people that’s been through the same thing, what’s ironic one of my best friends and his girlfriend have both went through that. I don’t know how can you give advice that could ever mend wounds that have been inflicted so deep and so many years ago. But the hardest part is learning that even though the World is filled with people capable of great evils. There are those of us in the world that are the complete opposites. Biggest thing is prayer. A lot of times when nothing else can get us through the day faith can be something to hold us together. Another thing is talking with someone who has been through the same thing and still live a positive life. As for putting your future husband ‘through’ hell. I think if a guy comes along that you plan to marry he will be a great one and would be understanding to your past and there to hold you tight when times got rough. Finding a good person to be in your life really can make the world of a difference to a lot of things. But till you find that special someone you have to be able to get yourself to a point of being comfortable around guys above 21... I’m not saying sit alone in a dark room with them but I’m just saying get to a point of realizing not all older guys are scum. They say ‘time heals all things’ but they never mention that it still leaves scars. I say take things one day at a time and be there for those who have been through what you’ve been through. Cause trust me talking to someone thats personally been where you’ve been can help ease the pain knowing you’re not alone in what you’ve been through.

Answer 4

I think it's important that you seeked helped and I'm sorry counseling hasn't helped you. I also think it's wonderful you're planning for a family and haven't completely ruled men out of your life. I pray that you'll find a very loving and caring man that will be patient in understanding what you went through. Are you religious in any way??? I think praying and asking God to help you along will be very beneficial. God bless you and I wish you the best.

Answer 5

It is completely understandable that you would feel uncomfortable around men older than you. Have you tried a support group. It may help to talk to someone who has been through what you have been. I am sure in a few years you will find a man who you can trust and talk to them about your feelings and he would understand. Trust yourself.

Answer 6

With time you will learn to heal. Maybe instead of a counselor you could talk to a pastor. And while you don't think so, once you meet the right man, you will learn to trust him. You can't build any substantial relationship without trust. So unless you learn to trust I wouldn't plan on getting married any time soon.

Answer 7

when and if you meet a guy that youve dated and known for a while...and that guy might have the potential in your eyes to be a partner for you....you just need to explain what happened so that he can understand to take it slow with you...you need to find a patient caring man who will listen...your probably done with counseling but he should take some counseling too so that he may understand how to better care for you and your needs. All is not lost for you though...many people do get over the trama....with the right tender loving care. i hope things work out.

Answer 8

the only way to put you childhood behind you (to some degree) is to for give the people who hurt you. I'm don't mean face to face but in you heart & to God. Then you can start to heal & maybe then counceling will be able t help. No one can carry a burden like yours her whole life. A friend carried the same thing around for 20 years befor she forgave them & she is very messed up from it.

Answer 9

There are lots of good suggestions here. I am sorry you had to experience what you did.

My best advice is to first always trust your inner voice.

When you do find someone who might become your spouse
go slow.

Test your ability to trust this person you are interested in small ways. But don't be afraid to push the envelope.

You will know if and when it is right!

Have fun but be safe.

Answer 10

I am no counceler, but i think time is the only thing that will heal. When u meet the right person, u will slowly learn to trust again, and build a healthy relationship.