What's your best joke? Rude ones acceptable, whoever makes me laugh the most gets 10 points!?

Answer 1

rude jokes, eh?
Try these on for size!
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A blind man walks into a resturant
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
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Angus Broon of Glasgow
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
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Elephant
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ****."
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Hong Kong Dong
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away".

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said

"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."
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I have a headache
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
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Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson
Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
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Postman
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Punishments in Hell...
A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"
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SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex show.

3. The fan in your computer's power supply is NOT a good place to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience)

4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling the keys" with your manhood.

5. Semen IS electrically conductive.


SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. No matter how big the guys Dick, on the screen, is; remember it's all done with smoke, mirrors, and a dildo. Don't bother drooling. And if you find yourself drooling remember to swallow, or spit whatever, often. Drool, on keyboards can cause shorts and is nasty to clean.

2. Plugging a dildo into the USB port will void the manufacturers warrantee.

3. To cool off your "heat of passion" take a shower and wash the sweat off your fat ass.

4. Keyboard cleaning kits do NOT work for sweaty, fat, chicks drool.

5. Vaginal juice is a very slippery substance; IF you spend a lot of time at XXX sites it is suggested you have a seat-belt installed on your computer chair and PLENTY of clean panties.
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Screwed
A young woman in New York City was severely depressed so she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said,

"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. This continued every night of the trip. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and a trip to Europe and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Royal wedding
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.

' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
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Something different
This guy goes into a whore house and tells the front desk person that he wants something different...something weird!

She sends him up to the 3rd floor to see Lisa. He knocks on the door and this beautiful 6 ft. tall red-head answers the door.

He says he`s sorry and that he must have the wrong room (she`s much too beautiful!!!) She assures him that he has come to the right place. She instructs him to take off his clothes and she will be right back.

When she enters the room a few moments later she is naked and very beautiful!! He`s tells her that he is looking for something different and she looks perfect. What could you possibly do different? he asks.

So she removes her false eye and tells him to stick it there. He is very apprehensive at first but she assures him that she has sex thousands of times that way and that it will be the best sex he ever had!!!

So, he sticks his dick in her eye and proceeds to have the best sex of his life. When he`s done he tells her that it indeed was the best sex he ever had and could he visit her again when he is back in town.

Her response? "Sure, I`ll keep an eye out for you!!"
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Tennis Elbow
One day, Ken complained to his friend, 'My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.'

His friend offered, 'Don't do that! There's a computer at the chemists that can diagnose anything, quicker than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell what you can do about it. It only costs £10.00.'

Ken figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the chemists. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labour.
It will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the chemists, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins
Your daughter's using cocaine
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls
They aren't yours
Get a lawyer
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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The Italian Virgin
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
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The Pope
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him.

Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the goods news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.

Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause...

The pope replied,

"First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"

The pope smiled and replied, "Big ****."
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The truth is always less painful
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked,

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied.

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids.
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The Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.
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There ain't no justice in the world
Once upon a time.....there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into a mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He jogged to the beach, completely undresses and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady:

"There ain't hardly no justice in the world".

The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?"

"Well", she said,

"When I was 15, I was curious about it."

"When I was 20, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 30, I asked for it."

"When I was 40, I begged for it."

"When I was 50, I paid for it."

"When I was 60, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."
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Tripod
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!," Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh......equipment?".

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??," Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she's fainted !!
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Vaseline
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"

His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my pot."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes.

" When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.

Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle.

He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the ******* dishes."
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How was that?

Answer 2

Three ducks go into a bar to have a drink! The first duck says to the bartender, Hi my name is Huey! It's been such a great day, I've been in and out of puddles all day, What more can a duck ask for. The second duck pulls up a stool and says Hi! My name is Dewey, and I have also been in and out of puddles all day as well. What a more can a duck ask for. And then the third duck pull up a stool and says to the bartender, Hi! My name is Puddles!

Answer 3

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'

The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

Answer 4

FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
don't know each other

Answer 5

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

Answer 6

I'm blond so I can tell this joke!
Two Blonde's walk into a building; You would think one of them would have seen it!

Answer 7

yesterday i was working in a garage,,when a very blonde lady came in and asked for 710,,all the mechanics looked at each other and asked,, what is a 710?,, you know its that little thing that sits on top the engine....i lost it and i need a new one..the mechanic gave the lady a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw a picture of what it looks like,,so she drew a circle wrote 710..then he took her over to another car, which had its hood up and he asked her do you see a 710? yes i do its right here,,,, the mechanic rotated the cap which read OIL

Answer 8

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much.

Answer 9

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 10

no affence to you or any thing because your pic is blond but this is the only one I got...

A blond walks out of her house and opens her mail box and slams it shut, then goes back inside, she does it again...she does this numerous times. her next door nabor asks "is there a problem"
she says "yes, my computer keeps on telling me 'you've got mail'"

Answer 11

Why did the dog cross the street??


2 get to the other side