Jokes please! Best one get's 10 points!?

Question

I need some good jokes. Please no you mama jokes. Feel free to list as many as you like.

Answer 1

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See, men just don't listen !

Answer 2

Did you hear the one about the midget?

It's a short joke.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...

Hope these help! Take care.

Answer 3

how do you get a 1 armed newphie out of a tree,,,wave at him,,,what do u call a blond haired skelton found in your closet,,,1976 hide an seek champ

Answer 4

Your Momma is so fat you can tap that @ss and ride the waves for days

Your momma's hair is short she has to smile to put her hair in a ponytail

Your momma's har is so short her braids look like stitches

Answer 5

a girl tells her boyfriend that she is ready to have sex with him but first she wants him to meet her parents that weekend.
feeling nervous, since the boy had never had sex before, he goes to his local pharmacy to buy condoms. he tells the pharmist he's never used a condom before and the pharmasist helps him and tells him everything he needs to know about them etc. that night he goes to visit his girlfriends parents. at dinner they all say a grace, and when the grace is over, the boy's head is still bent down in prayers. 10 minutes aftr his head is still bent down. the girlfriend leans over to him and says "i had no idea you were so religious!" the boy replies "i had no idea your father was a pharmasist!"

a man went to the doctor and said "doctor please help me. every night when i go to the bathroom, god opens the light for me and when i'm done he closes it. is there something wrong with me?"
the doctor replies "absolutley not. the answer is simple. your peeing in your refridgerator."

a plane is about to crash. the piolet says "we have to drop the load!" so they drop a watermelon, a bowling ball, and a bomb."
one day at work, three men were conversing. 'you won't believe what happened to me the other noght "says the first man" i was checking my mail when all of a sudden a bowling ball falls out of nowhere and hits me in the head!" "thats nothing," says the second man" i was walking my girlfriend to the car after dinner last night and a watermelon had fallen through my windsheild!"
the third man just laughs "you think thats something? this morning i was walking to work, i farted and the building behind me blew up!"

a blonde, a brunette and a redhead were trapped on an island when they found a magic lamp. a genie came out and granted them each one wish. the brunette wished she were in the bahama's on a pleasent cruise. poof! she was gone. the redhead wished she were in hawaii wit hthe love of her love and an endless supply of pina colada's. poof! she was gone. the blond who know felt lonely said "i wish they would both come back"

a woman went to the doctors office for her check-up. when the doctor said she would see her, he said "hello, i am doctor Eror."
"what a name for a doctor!" said the woman.
"yea," replied the doctor. "you can imagine the reaction i got when i was a major.

the plantoon sergent made an announcment early in the morning "today i have some good news and some bad news. the good news is that private tomkins will be running the drills today" everyone whooped and cheered, on account of private tomkins was the fattest and slowest runner at the military school. "the bad news is," the intercom continued. "is that private tomkins will be driving a truck."

why do mermaids were seashells?
because b-shells are to small and d-shells are to big.

i think ford names there trucks by how many times they cuss when you fill them up: F-150, F-250...

A duck walks into a grocery store and asks the man at the counter if they got any grapes. The man replies with a no. The next day the duck walks into the same grocery store and asks the same man the same question. "NO! and if u ask me again i'll staple ur feet to the floor", he answered. So the next day the duck duck walks into the same grocery store and walks up to the man and asks, " Do u got any staples?" The man replied no. " Well in tht case, you got any grapes?"

one day at dinner little jonny's parents were arguing. he heard his mother call his father a bastard and he heard his father call his mother a bi*ch. after dinner little jonny went up to his mother and asked "what does bastard mean?" the mother answered "oh it's just another word for men." he went to his father "what does bi*ch mean?" his father answered "oh it's just another word for women" later that night there was a thunderstorm so little jonny asked to sleep with his parents. his mother said okay but don't look under the blankets (on account of they were having make-up sex) he heard the father say " oh darling, your ni*ples are so juicy" he heard the mother say " oh, your t*ts are so soft" the next morning he asked his mother what t*ts meant. she said "it's just another word for hats" he asked his father what ni*ples meant. he answered "it's another word for coats." that afternoon as they were preparing for a party jonny walked past the kitchen to see his mother chopping veggies. she accidently cut her finger and said "F*ck!" he went upstairs to the bathroom were his father happened to be shaving, he cut himself and said "s*it!"
the doorbell rang and mother asked jonny to answer. he was very happy becuz he had learned 6 new words in 2 days. so he opens the door and says "hey all you bi*ches and bastards! i'll take your ni*ples and t*ts. my mom's in the kitchen f*cking and my dad's in the bathroom s*itting!"

Answer 6

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Answer 7

A fish walks into a bar.
The bar tender says, "What'll you have?"
The fish says "Water."

Two ghosts walk into a bar.
The bar tender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits here."

Answer 8

-so a nun and a monk were playing miniature golf. the monk goes, hits, misses and says, god damnit!
-the nun scolds him and says "don't use god's name in vain!"
-the monk goes again misses says god damnit.
-nun scolds him
-he goes one more time and finally gets it in
-then the nun goes, she misses and shrugs her shoulders.
-goes again misses, then a booming voice out of the sky yells "God DAMNITT!!"
-the monk cracks up...

Answer 9

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


It was dead

Answer 10

This really isn't a joke, but it's cute.
There was this little boy playing outside and his mom wanted to check on him so she looked outside and he was flying his airplane up, around, then down and said all you son*of*a**********.e.s that are gonna get off, get off and all you son*of*a**********.e.s that are gonna get on, get on.
His mother called to him and said that, that was wrong and if he said it again that he would have to go to his room and think about what he said. He said ok, and went back to play.
She thought to check on him again and looked out to him flying his air plane up, around, then down and said all you mother*f.u.c.k.e.r.s that are gonna get on, get on and all you mother* f.u.c.k.e.r.s that are gonna get off, get off. His mother yelled to him to go to his room and think about what he had said.
2 hours goes by and he comes down and says "mommy I have thought about what I said and I won't say it again." She thought that he had learned his lesson and sent him back out to play as she finished the dishes she went back to check on him and he once again flew his air plane up, around, then down and said "all you mother*f.u.c.k.e.r.s that are gonna get on get on and all your mother*f.u.c.k.e.r.s that are gonna get off, get off and all you son*of*a**********.e.s. that have a problem with the 2 hour delay go talk to the ********* in the kitchen.