Why does it seem that it is the stepmothers fault when she doesn't get along with her stepkids?

Question

I have asked questions concerning my step kids on here, and have basically been told by a lot of people that I am the problem not the kids. They say that I am the intruder, and the kids are just victims. Some have said that I shouldn’t have married my husband if I couldn’t accept his kids. When I married my husband he wasn’t seeing his kids. He hadn’t in a year. This was partly due to his ex’s interference, but partly due to him not standing up to her. He didn’t even see them again for 3 years. I had been his wife for 3 years by then and had had a child by him. His other 3 kids are manipulators. Their mother has made them this way, and they try to manipulate my husband all the time. They are not just innocent victims. My husband and his ex split up when the oldest was only 3 and she was still pregnant with the youngest, so they are not dealing with the recent divorce of their parents, they don’t even remember it. Why is it always believed that if a step mom doesn’t get along with her step kids that it is her fault, and that the kids are the innocent victims? Trust me, some of these kids don’t want to get along with their step moms, even though she has done nothing to them.

I guess I should have said that these kids are 13,12, and 10.

Just for the record, I am the one who paid to have their mother located, I am the one who contacted an attorney, and I am the one who made the first initial contact with her. So considering that I am the one who brought them back together, I would say that no one has the right to say I didn't want these kids in my husbands life. I have just since discovered what spoiled brats they are.

Answer 1

I understand your concern perfectly. I have two stepchildren from hell! And two evil ex-wives as well. The have made the last 5 years of my marriage very difficult. For example, my stepson has ADHD and is taking medication, so his mother does not send his medication on the weekends we have him so she can save money and meds, therefore the time he is with us he is bouncing on the walls and behaving like an animal. He is a manipulating brilliant child that with medication has all A's in schools. My husband has always been very responsibly financially with his children but they always want more. From sending the children without clothes for the weekend visit to telling the children to ask us for cash money for toys. The children are rude, do not appreciate anything and are spoiled. My husband does not discipline them while they are at home because he wants them to have a good time while they are with him. However, they are doing what ever they want. I wanted to have children before I got married, not anymore. I come from a well to do family and these kids are raised by a different standard of women and I do not want to bring a child into a world to be related to children like this. I guess what I want to say is... I support you and understand your frustration. My priest even suggested getting my marriage annulled. I am seriously considering the option. Love is not going to fix this problem. Good luck!

Answer 2

As a step-mom, I sympathize. However, the basis of these statements is due to the fact that you are an adult, and the kids are, well, kids. I realize that what you say is probably true, but you need to "forgive" the kids for the manipulating things they may say or do. Really. You have no idea what is going on at "her" house. They may be promised all kinds of things for expected behavior, or worse, threatened. My step-son used to make up stories to tell his mom with things he had learned that she wanted to hear. She would literally question and interrogate him until she heard something she wanted. Just take a deep breath, and try again! Eventually, the relationships can turn satisfying, especially given that his youngest is still very young. Good Luck!

Answer 3

you are right, most of the time the kids hear what the mother tell them and dont see whats really going on. They dont want to listen to the step mom and just want her out. you and your husband have to be strong or should i say YOU have to be because he will feel as if you making him pick between you all when you say something to him. I hope he sees that you love him and only want the best for the whole family. I am sorry to hear that some women (his ex) make things so complicated. Or even when they dont do anything lids sometimes act like that because they feel if you wouldn't exist her mom and dad would be fine. But They should watch the Movie Step mom and learn from it. Good Luck.

Answer 4

well I have a step father and when I was younger i used to make him look like a monster to me. see I have 3 sisters and me and the second oldest have different dads than the younger 2. so i always thought he didn't care about me and he was making my mom love their kids that they had together and not me or my other sister. We even did things like start fights when we thought they were going to have sex that night to try to break them up. So I think it might be a bit of both. The kids because of the problems they might have with the separation of their parents and the time they didn't have with their father(which they might blame on you and the kids you 2 had together) and you because your normal and you can only take so much negative before you get mad and in away hold a grudge on the kids so every time you see them you never get over what bad thing happened the last time you saw them. My advice is keep trying to make things okay now that i am grown up and i have kids of my own i can tell you that me and my step dad get along better than me and my mother do. so there is hope for the future. what luck i have a stepdaughter of my own now i just got lucky that we get along great and i love her like she is my own i just have a horrible bio mother to deal with.

Answer 5

Let's try to compromise here. It is NOT entirely your fault. It is a three way. The kids and your husband, but mostly him, are to blame.

Just for the sake of argument, I know a friend of a friend... She is/was in the same position as you are.

I will tell you the same thing I told her. It is not your fault, yet you cannot play the role of bad stepmother. You need to explain to your husband what is happening and how you feel. You and your child are his new family, BUT his kids are YOUR family also.

I understand that he did not have a relationship with them when you got married, but that does not erase his responsibility as a parent. They are part of him.

However, HE needs to make them understand that in your house you have the same authority as he does. You and your husband are a team. You need to tackle this as any other situation... together.

The kids are kids. They SEE you as the intruder. They are NOT the victims. None of you are. Yet, if you stepped out of your shoes you will understand how the feel - IT DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT! But you understand from where they are coming from.

YOUR husband needs to talk to them and assure them that you are not there to take their mother's place. Yet, you deserve some respect.

My advice, talk to your husband. HE is the one in the middle. Do not make him choose between YOU and HIS CHILDREN. That is not fair for any party.

After all, they are part f YOUR family. It is not going to be easy. But eventually they will have to come around. Do not try to win them to hard either. They must accept you on their own as their father's chosen partner

Answer 6

I have a step father who I consider my father - he has raised me since 3, I love him to death - and don't even know who my biological father is.

I was also a step mother. My husband's daughter came to live with us when she was five, and around ten she started giving me problems. (Quick background...until she was 5, she was raised by my husbands mom while we were both active duty stationed in Germany - her mom could NOT be located and wanted nothing to do with her AT ALL!!!!! While I was raising her, her dad - still in the Army - kept getting deployed all the time and I was ALWAYS around) Around 13, she kept running away, threatned to kill me and my biological daughter, said she never knew what it was like to have a "mother". She kept getting into fights, I had to go to courts, I was reprimanded and the courts threatened to take away my biological daughter because of the household situation - and NO ONE, not even my husband believed what my bio daughter and I were going through. I was ordered to serve community service with her, and take her to five different therapist a week.

I couldn't take it anymore, and called my husbands mom and said that if she didn't take her, I was going to get on a plane and leave her there! (Trust me, it was really really bad!!)

So, I understand the part of the child being manipulative - she certainly was! After living with her grandmother, her mother has been found and she now lives there. She calls constantly complaining that her mother is poor, she cant live in those conditions.....ect. I have no sympathy, I tried so hard to make it work, but she was just so convinced that at 13 I was pure evil, and she even had written plans to kill me and my bio daughter - and even with that, everyone blamed me.

I believe that step kids can take advantage of situations and that other adults (who are NO where near the situation) tend to believe a child - from my very difficult experience, everyone seems to blame the step mom.

Answer 7

I had a step father and a step mother hate both but thats on me my step father tryed to molest me and my younger sister my mom took his side she is still with him they have been married almost 25 years now my step mom was ok i just didnt like how she parents us or her own kids and she was a drunk I have been a step mom twice the first time i hated my step kids and they hated me the second time I didnt much like the oldest child but got along great with the younger two but when i see them now that i am no longer with there father they run up and hug me and tell me the love me and miss me I think when there is a problem with step parents and children it is both sides fault and the bio parents i dont think that they take enough time to let the child ajust to the new parent and the child thinks they have some kind of control over who there parent should be with we as parents have to do whats best for our children but we do have the right to be happy my youngest son is now 11 his father and i have been split up sence our son was 2 but he still talks about his father and i living together again no matter how mant times i tell him it will never happen and cant happen he still wishes it could and would when it comes to dating or living with a man i always talk to my kids and take the time for them to get to know the man and the man to know my kids i also set rules for both sides i do all the disapining and i never take side when ther is a disagreement i hear both sides and have them talk it out if i feel there is a serous problem i will make the man move out my kids always come first

Answer 8

People are going to be judgmental of you because they see you as being the 'mature adult' in this situation and expect that, due to your further life experience, you should be able to adequately handle the situation.

Having three misbehaving, rude, manipulative kids in your lap is NOT an easy task, unfortunately, the only real thing that YOU can do is try to ignore their behavior- they are desperately seeking some sort of a reaction out of you and you don't want to give them that satisfaction.

Talk to their dad- I think he really needs to step in and discipline his children adequately- explain to him the distress that it is causing you- he might be able to get his kids into some sort of counseling sessions.

The kids probably do feel as though you're taking their mother's place in their dad's life and, aside from seeking professional help, I don't really have a lot of advise to give in this area.

Be friendly to the kids, but don't try to over-do it or else they will see you as being vulnerable and think that they have you wrapped around their little finger. Distance yourself emotionally from them for a while until you can build up your own strength and turn to your husband for support- he really needs to step in as the father of these kids and rectify their misbehaving ways.

Answer 9

oohhh I have the same problem My husbands kids are 6 & 8 and they HATE me. All the ex does is tell them I took thier dad away. It has come to the point to where she has sucked every extra penny from us and he doesnt get to see his kids not only that but even if he could we couldnt afford to have them over. The divorce was 3 years ago not to mention they were split for almost a year when he met me but as soon as she found out about me she tried to become the loving wife they didnt even live together, He went to Iraq and she didnt even care, I was there for him not her and we just met. His kids only call when they want something even though she gets 1000 a month in child support, when they would come to my house they would throw up if I asked them to clean up after themselves they wouldnt eat if I offered it my husband had to offer it. The funny thing is I have a child from a previous relationship as well and I never talk bad to my son about his dad I may think it :) but never put him or his new wife down. My parents divorced when I was very young and I loved my stepdad I never had a stepmom but I always like my dads girlfriends. Your stepkids sound just like mine and I am tired of the dirty looks and being made to look like the home wrecker too.
Try not to let it get between you and your husband I know the feeling of him not standing up to her, My husband thinks if he ignors her the whole thing will go away, of course this makes it worse, but I know he loves my daughter we have together more then he could ever love those other kids-its sad to say but he is closer to her because his ex always took off with his kids so he never had a bond with them. Hang in there eventually they will grow up and things will get better (thats what I keep telling myself)

Answer 10

I wish I could help. I had a step father and me and my brothers never accepted him. In fact, I think we sabotaged the marriage. Unfortunately I think it's a struggle for you as the kids have a hard time accepting someone other than their true parents. Don't know how supportive your husband is but he needs to lay the law down with the kids too.