My mother's boyfriend of 2 years had a massive heart attack and died .The guys family has decided that they want to cremate him and keep his ashes,but while he was alive they never came to visit him when he was sick.They were never there for him when he needed them most, but my mother was and this is killing her inside. My mother wants to keep the ashes but doesn't really want him to be cremated in the first place. What should she do?I don't like to see her like this.
2006-08-23 07:41:06 · 17 answers · asked by DiamondXxx 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I think the reason they are doing this because they don't like my mother for whatever reason,I don't know.
2006-08-23 07:42:05 · update #1
the guys mother and father are both dead and his sister is the one taking over everything.
2006-08-23 07:51:05 · update #2
First, i want to say i am very sorry hear that someone your mother loved a great deal has passed away.
There are 3 answers:
1. The family has every right to keep the ashes.
2. What makes it harder is that if your mother and her deaceased boyfriend has not talked about death and what to do with his body is another factor.
3. Its also benificiary that your mother keep the ashes becuase she has been there and took care of him while his family didnt give a ***. If she happens to go to court (hopefully that wont happen) the court will most likey side with ur mom becuase she has been there to make sure he was healthy and happy. She is the benificiary to him becuase he was with her for a long time and he probably have not wanted to be cremated.
i would side with u and your mother on this one. His family is only interested in thier wants and what they can try to get from his hard work. My family is like that too. I know 4 a fact that im going to have to deal with that myself.
I know this is a tuff decision because ur mom is a loving woman. she would not have him in a uncomfortable situation. If he was still here, he would not even let his family decide what to do with him, he would choose your mother becuz she was there for him.
Good luck sweetie and take care.
2006-08-23 09:08:37 · answer #1 · answered by nyc_ladydragonsamauri007 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
People can be so cruel during difficult times. Tell you mother that the love she shared with her boyfriend will always be with her, always be in her heart and always make her a stronger person. The ashes aren't him, having them won't make him any closer than he already is. He will be forever in her heart no matter where the ashes are. Sometimes it's easier to focus on this kind of stuff instead of mourning, but I hope that eventually she'll realize that NO ONE can take away what they had together. Keep reminding her that he is there with her, and still loving her, and his family can't change that. You are a good caring wonderful person, I'm proud of you for trying to help alleviate her pain.
2006-08-23 07:51:27 · answer #2 · answered by Mourning Peanut 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Something similar happened to my best friend~ two weeks before her wedding! So we know your pain.
Legally she has no choice to make any decisions.
She needs to know that "her LOVE" will always with her in heart/spirit.
Create a memory book for her and include her to put it together so she can weep and heal.
I would go buy a urn for your mom. They are not very expensive, get a very small one-shaped like a heart it will fit in your palm. [pine boxes.com]
YOU- the child needs to ask for your Mom. [ that will pull some heart strings-that a child talks about loving him and needing a piece of him]
Please take it to the service and ask the closest family member, they may give her some ashes since you -have it there. Urns are NOT sealed and someone at the funeral home would be happy to help you both.
Bless your hearts. What ever happens, don't let mom or you get angry. That will distant the family and you.
Please just sit, listen and hug her lots. No need saying it will be okay- cause right now its NOT. So just say " I love you", what can we do to help you? Grief is okay. She is going to be sad for a solid 6 months, the holidays being worse.
So I would "include" him and mourn his loss for the upcoming holidays as well.
As a therapist, we celebrated him being a part of our life for a year from the day he died.
We held a memorial service on "Their wedding" day since it was all set and mostly paid for and it was a sad and incredible day.
At christmas we purchased a gift for her from him, with love from us. We served his favorite meal on his birthday to our family and each dedicated a memory of happiness and a blessing that he was here for so many birthdays. We used other holidays to help her heal by giving her a fresh start, like buying new sheets and having her pick some of his art and we framed it.
2006-08-23 08:09:45 · answer #3 · answered by Denise W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless you're in a legally recognized relationship (like marriage, or a civil union), or you've given someone legal authority (like a power of attorney) to act on your behalf, the usual rule is that blood and legal kinfolk make decisions for the dead and dying.
It's not necessarily fair, but it is the law.
Could your mother's grief be eased maybe by making some sort of special "shrine", since she doesn't have a gravesite to visit? If there was a place they liked, perhaps she could plant a memorial tree there, or put up a birdfeeder, or something?
Hope this helps.
2006-08-23 07:51:51 · answer #4 · answered by samiracat 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're right that is wrong of the family, but since your mother wasn't legally married to him, the family has every right to the ashes. I saw someone comment about how your mom's boyfriend knew who was there for him when he needed people most, and their right, that's really what matters most.
2006-08-23 07:49:09 · answer #5 · answered by JenJen 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are necklaces with things like little hearts on them. Inside the little hart you can put a tiny bit of the ashes. That way the family has the major part but your mother has a little bit. Maybe there are friends of your mother's boyfriend who are also friends with the family who can help your mother. Legally there's nothing she can do. Please extend my condolences to your mother.
2006-08-23 08:01:15 · answer #6 · answered by chocolatebunny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask to split it. Or Press charges for custody. Legally the family probably do have the power over the situation. But it's not the physical aspect of himself that she loved, it was his personality that made him himself. If he was evil she wouldn't have loved him like she did. So keep pictures and memory. Either way he's gone. She can learn to get over the ashes eventually.
2006-08-23 07:48:14 · answer #7 · answered by Answerer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your mother's boyfriend did not have a will or any formal declaration of what he wanted done with his remains. If that's the case, then, legally, there's nothing your mother can do.
Just remind her that our bodies are nothing but a shell. She has his spirit with her because she is the one who showed him love and support. Since they were together two years, I assume that she has some pictures of him and possibly some other mementos (jewelry, other gifts). Those are way better than a jar of ashes or a grave site to visit. You can keep those objects with you every day.
2006-08-23 07:44:49 · answer #8 · answered by FozzieBear 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The ashes belong to the family, but I think your dear mother should try talking and confiding in someone she trusts. Tell her you understand and care, and tell her that you're always there for her. Right now I think what she needs are friends and people to understand.
2006-08-23 07:54:00 · answer #9 · answered by Kiara 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No hun, they aren't being selfish. There are a couple of things you have to think about there.
First off, your mother wasn't married to him, she may have been by his side but legally, she has no right or claim over what happens with his remailns. Dating two years isn't that long of a time...
Secondly, his family was his family for what I'd assume has to be over 30 years of time (in comparison to the two years your mom knew him) that is a lot of history. Regardless if they weren't able to see him when he was ill (and you have no idea if possibly financial difficulties didn't allow them to travel...there could be reasons they didnt get to see him - it doesn't mean they didn't care) His parents gave birth to him, raised him, paid for everything for him until he was an adult. That gives them a lot of seniority over a girlfriend of two years when it comes to how his body is handled, and who gets the remains. Their choice has nothing to do with how they feel about your mom.
Your mom is grieving her loss, and you have to allow her to do that. She knows in her heart she has no say - it just hurts to know he is gone...but there is nothing she can do about what his family has decided. Just show her a lot of love....and she will be okay, eventually.
2006-08-23 07:49:07 · answer #10 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋