Why won't my three-year old listen?

Question

No matter how much or how hard I spank, how long he spends in time out and how much I try to explain what he is doing is wrong, he just doesn't listen. My son has almost burned the house down, broken the blinds, tried to paint his nails, bitten his older sister, torn up his new bed, broken all dvds etc. I cannot seem to find anything to turn this around. I am tired of pulling my hair out everyday. He is scared of spanking and hates time out, but why is he still doing these things? If anyone has been in my shoes or has advice, please share with me.

Everyone has been asking how he was able to burn the house down. Well, there were no lighter or matches involved. He put the oven mitt in the microwave until it caught fire and the smoke alarm went off. The microwave had a "child-proof" lock on it. And it was 3am.

Answer 1

Simply put, he's three. Though SOME of the behavior you list is extreme (ie: burning down the house), nothing else seems abnormal for an average 3 yr old....and I don't know the details of the fire thing. If you are disiplining him (ie spanking, time-outs, etc) make sure he understands what it is he is being punished for. To simply spank a 3yr old, even if its in the midst of what he is doing wrong, won't cut it. You have to explain it to him, in detail, and in terms a 3yr old can understand. And you have to be consistant. If you ease up at all, its the only opening he will ever need. hey, no one said raising a kid was going to be easy and from the age of about 18 months to 4 years is the worst (until he becomes a teenager). Be patient, be consistant and be in control. and Good Luck.

Answer 2

It's cause he's an active three year old. While the destructive behavior is not normal for every child, it's certainly normal for some! Just be consistent. Don't "bend" the rules. It'll send a negative enforcement to him. If he breaks a rule, bites his sister, destroys something in the house etc, punish him according to the level of the damage/rule. And if he can't go into a room without destroying something in it...keep him confined to his room. Tell him he'll be allowed to spend time in other parts of the house when he learns to listen & behave. And if he tears up things in his room...DO NOT replace them! Make him sleep in that torn up bed. And take ALL the toys, tv's, radios, etc out of his room. It should be an appropriate punishment, not a vacation!


And most importantly...positively enforce the good behavior!!! When he listens and behaves, praise him accordingly, allow him a small "treat" sometimes...not everytime...but sometimes.


Good Luck!!

Answer 3

It looks like spanking and time outs don't work for him so you need to find alternatives. Sign up for a parenting class - really - you will meet other parents with similar issues and there is nothing like talking to others who know what you are going through.

Threes will be threes but I worry that your son will develop (or has developed) a poor self image as a result of all this. You need some parenting help so you don't end up feeling like a failure as well.

RE: diet - research after research shows that it is not the sugar that affects children, it is the caffeine. Very few children (very, very few) are truly affected by sugar - mostly it is a parental perception. But caffeine does it to children just like adults so if he is getting soda or similar things - stop them. Remember that chocolate has caffeine in it.
Good luck and keep trying.

Answer 4

Because he wants attention. He's probably jealous of his older sister. Kids want attention, even if it's not good attention.

Are you a single mom? That might be part of the issue as well.

Set aside a few hours a week to spend some time with him - just you and him. When he's being really good, make sure to praise him. "Wow, Billy, you're really being good today. How bout we get some ice cream, just me and you after dinner?"

Sometimes it helps. I hope so, for your sake. Good luck!

Answer 5

You have to have a consistent process for discipline.

However you choose to do it..it needs to be the same process every time he does something wrong.

For example:
First time give him a warning and tell him that he will be in a time out the next time he does that thing or if he continues not to listen.
Next time...it's straight to time out....put him in the time out spot and tell him why he's there. If he still doesn't listen and won't do the time out tell him if he does not do the time out then a privalege will be taken away. Then as a last resort...the spanking.

Remember that you MUST be consistent!! Whatever you choose as the plan of action that plan of action MUST be what is done to discipline him EVERY time...or he won't think you are serious.

A couple of other things....
you need to be on his level when you talk to him.
one minute for each year of age of the child is good for time out
when he is in time out and you do need to speak to him because he's not listening the time starts over....but every time you talk to him get on his level...never look down on him.
when you say "one more time and..." you need to stick to that and not let it go to two or three or five times.
time outs should be given where you can see him but also in a room where there are no distractions (tv) or things that he may enjoy...remember it's a time out...not a time to sit and watch tv.
once he has successfully done a time out get down to his level and quickly talk about why he was there again tell him he needs to apologize to whomever he wronged (whether his sister for biting her or you for not listening...etc.) once he apologizes then drop it and don't bring it up to him later for any reason.
every instance should be treated as a separate instance...don't ever remind him of what he did an hour ago or a week ago.
don't ever make him feel like he's a bad boy...just makes some poor decisions....don't make him feel like he can't do anything right.

Also, try to think of things that he can do to vent....maybe buy him an inflatible punching bag and tell him that when he's angry he can go punch his punching bag instead of biting his sister or taking it out on property...then when he's done punching his punching bag to come and talk to you about what happened calmly.

Or maybe you can enroll him in karate....they also teach self discipline there...so that may help...if he knows how better to control himself.

I hope this helps...and don't get discouraged....he'll get better if you're consistent.

Answer 6

Sounds like a plea for attention, however he can get it. Do you spend much time playing/interacting with him when you are not punishing him? An evaluation with your doctor or with a family or behavioral therapist might also be in order to help teach you new coping mechanisms.

Most kids thrive on routine and schedules. Maybe if you make out a schedule for the day and plan to have time when you are giving him one-on-one attention, that may help as well.

There is also a great book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene that gives some great coping and discipline techniques. "1-2-3 Magic" has also been very effective for me.

Answer 7

You "must" stop this now. Your son deserves to have two parents. You are setting the stage for a bad relationship between father and son. Unless your husband is disciplining him inappropriately it should always be between them. You have to support your husband's authority and be united so that your son has clear boundaries. We mom's tend to bear the brunt of care giving but this is non negotiable. You wouldn't allow your son to receive meaningful love from only you. Discipline is important and it must be done with care. You are playing the heavy and that isn't good for your relationship with your son either. Try not to step in and help dad figure out ways to discipline so that his son understands. Unite and support. The little guy will be much more secure. best of luck!

Answer 8

this question frightens me beyond all reasons. I'm not the one to tell you what to do, but I have to put my foot down when you put your hands on a child. Spanking should be the last thing you think of. But maybe it's you that's not listening. Take it from someone who grew up in a hard knock life, you really need to ask him what's wrong. and cater to his needs. But there could be a medical issue or something else truly is going on. If other men are around your son. That could be a sign. Or maybe he really needs desperate attention. And he's getting attention alright...just in the wrong way.

Answer 9

"My son has almost burned the house down, broken the blinds, tried to paint his nails, bitten his older sister, torn up his new bed, broken all dvds etc"

WHAT??? OK, how does a 3 yr. old almost burn the house down or try to paint his nails? Where were you or why weren't these things put away?

So what? He broke some blinds or dvd's or bit his sister. Just about every kid has to be taught not to bite and then taught to be easy with things. I bet that your older daughter or some other children you have in the house are unknowingly encouraging bad behaviour.

You should use it as an opportunity to teach him and not an opportunity to hit him. I mean if you teach him that when you are mad at him you will hit him (you call it spanking if you want) then what do you expect him to do. He is 3 years old!!!

It sounds like he's acting out and what would you do if some giant (you are a giant to a 3 yr. old) expected you to just know what they were thinking (with regards to what is right or wrong) and then was hitting you for making a mistake? How about you try putting yourself in his shoes for a second.

Answer 10

I have destructive a destructive 3yr old boy and 5yr old girl. My 7yr old boy watches but never tells so I know how you feel. I started to take away the things they love the most. (favorite toy, no dessert, no tv, etc) It has improved their behavior a lot but they have done all the things you stated. To stop the bad behavior I tell them "go get mommy your favorite toy". When they come back with it I take it and say "Mommy is going to keep this/throw this away. Do you know why? You broke mommy's (whatever) and now you can have that and mommy will keep (favorite toy)this. It breaks their heart. After losing a few absolutey favorite things they start to think twice. Good luck. Another good one is time out in the bathroom. There is nothing to destroy and it is SOOOO boring as my 3yr old puts it. They hate it!