I think my new wife was sexually abused as a child by her father. Her mother is dead. What should I do?

Question

Thanks for taking the time. I have anguished over this for over a year now. How do I know? That is a long story; but suffice to say all the pieces "fell together" before we were married. I am 99.9% sure that something untoward went on, probably for an extended period. While she now dotes on her father (we are both 31) she is clear she was not as close to him before her mother passed. I am loath to bring it up for fear of losing her, at worst, and confirming my worst fears which will mean he is no longer in my life (how could I look at him??) and so less so in hers. Should I talk to a psychologist? Social worker? I have kept this to myself because to speak to anyone who knows me is to speak to someone who knows her and so unacceptable at this, unconfirmed stage. Should I take any action? Or perhaps wait, keep my mouth shut, and wait for this old man of 64 to die? If only her mother was alive I would have at least a first step, I think. Anyway, thats the guts of it. Thanks.

Answer 1

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Answer 2

There is really nothing you can do. Perhaps she should go into therapy, but you can do nothing against him. It's been a few years since the act. The question now is, does it change anything? Do you care about her less or should I say would you care about her less if you knew it was so? You aren't exactly friends with her father anyway, and there is no reason for you to be. If he did it, you could say that it even contributed in some way to making her the woman you grew to love so much you married her. If you still love your wife, then forget about it. Just make sure that you keep your kids at a safe distance from him. That is the only real thing you have to, or should do.

Answer 3

I am not sure the details and exactly why you suspect this..but it is a bit odd that she now dotes on her father. More often than not, a victim of sexual abuse has a very limited relationship with the abusive parent. However, since you said her mother has passed away, she may be trying to hang on to her childhood with the surviving parent. I would recommend telling a therapist or counselor what you have told us, definitely before bringing anything of the sort up to your wife. Suppose it wasn't true? You could do a LOT of damage that way to your wife and your relationship. See what a therapist may give you as advice and then go from there. Good luck..I know that would be very tough to have to deal with.

Answer 4

Nothing. You can't change the past. Move on

Love your wife & accept her

Seems like the only affected by this now is you and you weren't the one that was allegedly abused

What do you think you'll accomplish by broaching the subject with your wife or with her dad?

I tell you what.... Absolutely Nothing Good!

If you don't love your wife... keep poking the beehive

But once the bees are out... You better be ready to get stung

I'm not condoning abuse of any kind... but it's not for you to internalize what you said happened to someone else, and get all worked up about it, so much that you're seemingly worst affected than your wife...

I think you have issues. You don't love your wife, possibly are homicidal and need to talk to a psychologist and psychiatrist

I think you're a bit disturbed.

Answer 5

I don't think that you should wait. If she was it could explain a lot. Ask her in a way that really isn't asking her. Put it a third people question. You can either say that you met the person in person or one line, in a chat room or something. I am married and have known my husband for about 18 years. He was abused when he was a child and it was bad. It wasn't only him. He was the only one that told there spouse. It was hard for my sister-in-law. It is different to hear about this then to have it in your life. With my husband when he told I was there for him and still am. To find out just say that you know someone who spouse was abuse and they didn't say anything. Then ask would she of stayed then ask would she have told. You not tell me anything that is not the trueth. My husband was abused and you just read this. You could say that you read something. The only thing is that when I was young had a couple of things happen. Nothing too bad but bad enough. Good luck. If she tries to pull a way just be there her. Love does conquer all.

Answer 6

I am curious to know if you've had a conversation with your wife about your concerns. Has she dropped hints over the years that may lead you to conclude that she was abused and that it was not just a personality conflict that caused the distance between her and her father? If so, she may want to tell you but cannot work up the courage to talk about it. If you see that she is suffering from this abuse I would suggest that you suggest therapy to her -- without bringing up the abuse per se. My guess is that she needs it but cannot face her past. The most important thing at this point is for you to let her know that you are there for her no matter what, and that you won't judge her for her past (abuse survivors often feel deeply ashamed about their past even though clearly they are not to blame for their situation).

Answer 7

Dont blame your self. Thats the variety of frightening project and that i'm particular you probably did no longer understand what to do. i'm so sorry you had to bypass by using that. in case you have an interest in having your father on your existence returned, by ability of all ability! Do it! besides the shown fact that, attitude the area with care and warning. while your father would have been harm by ability of the area, it grow to be years in the past. i think particular he nonetheless loves you and, if he hasn't forgiven you, he will. exhibiting him which you care approximately your courting would soothe any stress that still exists. Given time, i think of your courting fairly nonetheless has of project. And whenever you experience comfortable discussing the subject be counted, you may clarify on your father the type you felt on the time. You have been only 8. I wish you the suited of success!

Answer 8

I don't think that you seeing a therapist is going to do very much for the situation. Of course he is going to say that she needs counseling if she has been abused. But how do you approach the subject of therapy if you don't even want to talk to her about the issue? I don't understand why she would be closer to her dad, the alleged abuser, now that her mom is dead. That makes no sense. Maybe you read too much into things. It's difficult to say since you didn't say why you feel that your wife was abused.

Answer 9

Firstly, you don't know for sure if your theory is true. You've built up this whole scenario in your head without even asking your wife.
But even if it did happen, your wife has obviously forgiven him. Since she was the victim, not you, this is her choice, and you have no alternative but to support her in it. Have you never done anything in the distant past that you are ashamed of? Sure, maybe nothing of that magnitude, but nothing at all? Wouldn't you like to be forgiven for it? If your wife is willing to let go of the past and forgive, then that is the end of the matter.

Answer 10

Yes, by all means get to a therapist. Here is a web site that may help: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ppc/prof_search.php?iorb=4764
All may not be what it seems because abused children often abuse and have behavioral problems that can be severe. IF there was abuse by the father, it is not a good sign that she dotes on him now.

Answer 11

Unless it is affecting the way your wife responds to you, you should try to get it out of your head. If you are correct, she will talk to you about it when she is ready.

If you are correct, she may appear to be closer to her father because of fear. It's very difficult to understand.

If she is showing signs that it bothers her, she will need to get into therapy to resolve it for herself before you can help her.

Be patient and let her come to you.

I hope you are wrong and I wish you both all the best in your relaltionship.