When I was younger I wanted to have children and a family but my reasons were pretty jacked up. First I wanted to be a house wife so I could stay home with my kids to raise them, but then I started getting extremely indulged in my career and now marriage and children do not fit into my equation and I've discarded the thought of pursuing a man in that direction. I'm in a long term monogomous relationship and I kind of think that because he wasn't ready to get married and have kids when we first met that now he missed out on the opportunity with me...I don't know if I've conditioned myself to feel this way or if I really don't want kids and a husband of my own anymore...Its like he took all the fun out of the elements of uncovering mystery, making plans, and being surprised. : ( Plus I don't think he'd be a good father...I don't think he'd be involved enough...like he'd set them up with video games and leave the room all the time but rarely plan educational activities for them.
2006-08-23 05:22:35 · 58 answers · asked by Benny 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I DID want to have kids, but when I realized that he was not ready to consider or plan for settling down or having children my focus changed. My desire plummeted when he first showed disinterest...Now, we've talked about our life together now and our future together and he just doesn't show me now what I would like to see down the line...like, I'm sure when he thinks of me he's like...she's smart, spontaneous, down to earth, forthright, fun, opptimistic...good qualities for a mom or wife...but when I look at him I'm like, he's nice and a good person deep down, but on the surface he's pretty shallow about life...from the character he shows me right now at 26 I do not see him being a good dad...now I don't know when you start showing the right characteristics but I've had them for about 5 years...I've tired to be understanding and patient (the best girlfriend I can) but I am tired of excuses and laziness...I'm not willing to wait forever tho, but I will give him time to grow.
2006-08-23 06:07:52 · update #1
u dont hav 2
2006-08-23 05:23:32 · answer #1 · answered by dchan93 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Looks like you have already answered your own question by hooking up with a guy you see as unfit as a father. First thing to do is end that relationship. Wait six months and see if your urge to have a child is still there. If it is, visit some fertility clinics and go from there. You don't have to be married to have a child. Just make sure you really want one though. It woouldn't be fair to the child to make her an experiment in your life. Do you have any animals? They can fill a void no child ever could. Plus, they are loyal and love unconditionally for life.
Good luck!
2006-08-23 05:28:17 · answer #2 · answered by ALexandra F 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW, you really still think in this day in age you HAVE to get married and have kids? Sounds more like you 're not sure you want to get married and have kids with this guy you're with? Single women are having kids without being married as a choice as well. And with the world population exploding already, if you aren't ready or aren't sure you want children then DON'T, or not now at least. Never get married or have children because you think you have to, for success, or family, or for any reason. Women are safely having children later in life. Make those kinds of decisions because it feels right, and perfect, and you know in your heart it's the right thing for you! 50% of marriages end in divorce, and who knows how many children feel unwanted, try not to add to those statistics. Follow your gut feelings, ALWAYS!
2006-08-23 05:35:13 · answer #3 · answered by silverthorshammer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U don't HAVE to, but I understand the pressure, wheather expressed or unexpressed. IF ur happy with ur life now; live it. Marriage and kids are the norm, and it aids in population growth; but if u didn't want it, but did it anyway...then u might be a crappy wife and a horrible mother...and ur man and kids did nothing to deserve that. I wanted to get married too, just cuz everyone else was doing it, I wanted kids because I'm attracted to caucasian guys, and so if I fell in love with one and wed one, and had kids with one, our baby would be bi-racial, and most of the ones I've seen are really pretty. I've relized those reasons are wrong...so now I'm waiting 'til I want to do those things. Societal/familial pressures are great; but do they put food on ur table and clothes on ur back? No. So the only person u have to answer to and live with is urself...and if U don't want marriage and kids right now(or ever), relize people will think that's odd...but that it's ok for u. There are a lot of shitty spouses and parents out there...and there are a lot of wonderful singles out there..and vice versa. If u and ur mate are in different places in ur life now...u need to decide if u guys can still be together despite ur differing states of life, and if not(he wants kids as much as u don't), then split and be happy...if not...work it out and be happy.
2006-08-23 05:34:13 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Benny you'll probably react negatively from this answer, because it's about responsibility.
You write, "Its like he took all the fun out of the elements of uncovering mystery, making plans, and being surprised." My first thought is that you are blaming someone else. It takes two to tango, and it's unrealistic that he is solely or even mostly responsible for the fun.
Next, regarding your ideas about what he'd be like as a father. Is that sour grapes? Separately, women change massively after motherhood, and men many times do the same.
I hope this helps you.
Leafgreen
2006-08-23 06:04:12 · answer #5 · answered by PaymentKey.com 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to get married and have kids if that's not what you want. When we are little girls we have this dream of being mothers and wives but life changes all that fantasy. It's a lot of women that lead very productive and fulfilling lives without a husband and children. But if you want these things and you think that the guy you are with would not make a good father or husband then maybe you should move on to someone else. It's your choice.
2006-08-23 05:26:10 · answer #6 · answered by kitcat 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh, sweetie- Im 26 and i just got married. Im on my second husband and i dont think hes the one! i know, thats bad, but its like when i married them, they changed and stuff. I am attractive, keep myself kept well, have a great job, many friends, and come from an awesome supportive big close family who care & love me so much. The way imgoing, i dontknow if ill ever have kids and it doesnt bother me. live life and see where it takes you. if you set these must haves in your life, you always end up making a mistake. Im 26 (today) and i havent matured yet at all. i still want to live my life the way i want to (with my husband-we'll see. hes good guy)focus on my career and goout and have fun! Now adays, noone cares as much. People want to live for themselves. I guess the guy gave me a thumbs down cause i put a mark here first so i wouldnt be the last answer. Atleast i hope. That one gril goldnhope said life is short. She doesnt know what shes talking about. Life IS short.Live it for YOU first or you will regret it. i have so many friends that dont have kids who are married and in their early 30's. My one froend is 35 and had her first kid, she is so happy that she didnt have one woth her exlike she was gonna. Good thing she waited.
2006-08-23 05:24:21 · answer #7 · answered by Baby Jack born 4/5/09 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it sounds like the spark has left your current relationship and perhaps you should focus on more important things like your career....no one said you had to be a mom and a wife, it's really all by choice and whether you're willing to have those responsibilities. and that's hard because it's lifelong. there's no such thing as missing out; if he feels that way, then you too need to talk. you already feel like he wouldn't be a good father - tell him why. your problem is more than just "should i have kids and be a wife" - it's much more than that at this point. talk to him and see if you're both still right for each other.
2006-08-23 05:28:13 · answer #8 · answered by invisigoth208 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. is anyone holding a gun to your head?
2. it's really freaky to jump into a relationship w/the future of marriage, kids, house, dog, etc. all planned out and expect the other person to be on the same page, which is what you started out saying, then you flipped and accused your partner of sucking the fun out of planning, etc. If he's being reticent, I don't blame him.
3. lighten up and get off the guy's back. Why are you judging his parenting skills when you don't want to have children?
2006-08-23 05:29:21 · answer #9 · answered by shycello 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be a good mother you have to want children with all your heart and soul the same with being a father. If you don't want children with all your heart and soul then you wont be happy having to give up most things for them and will be unhappy.
I gave up my career, going out, new clothes and having any money at all for myself even $5 a week and I class myself as lucky. I haven't been out not even for one drink in 3 years I don't work and the last clothing I bought myself was in October 2003 but I'm so lucky.
I have my son he is happy and healthy and he loves me.
His dad gives up everything for his son and we would both give up our lives for him.
I was born to be a mother the rest of the stuff like clothes, money etc is just gravy
2006-08-23 05:29:18 · answer #10 · answered by madamspud169 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey! Well, if you truly don't want that life style of settling down getting married and having children then you don't. personally, i think that is a silly norm socitey likes to impose on us. But if you have a little hope for that in the future but are afriad to pursue it because of your past experience you will regret it. You have to be able to seperate yourself from the current situation you are in and stop and think what you really want and what will work for you and what will make you happy. Sometimes we settle for what's in front of us because it's easier. But really why not challenge yourself. Take sometime for yourself and really debate what you can live without and what you can't live without. Good Luck
2006-08-23 05:30:43 · answer #11 · answered by Bittersweet_emotions 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋