Am I being used? thoughtful answers only, please!?

Question

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we started dating, everything was cool. He was so sweet, we had real nice times on our dates, he would write me lil love letters, buy me cards, flowers, come to my apt. fix me dinner, sit and talk for hours. Things started to move along and get kind of serious because we seemed to be on the same page. I took him back to my hometown to meet all of my family cause I was excited and thought I had found something special. I met his kids and his family and all too. When we get back from our trip he has issues at his residence and ends up moving in with me. He looses his job and has no money saved to help out but I tell him to just get another job and I did what I could do to help him out and help out with his kids. Now we are having major issues because he is so disrespectful he talks to girls all day on the phone and on myspace and tells me they are just friends, friends that are constantly in my face and whom he constantly talks about all day

Answer 1

He is depressed. You might have to take the bull by the horns and push him to get a job. Be assertive about him talking to his "friends" and make sure he understands how much it upsets you. It's a fine line you will have to walk, because you have to show him you are supportive of him, but at the same time you have to let him know that some of the things he has been doing aren't cool and have to be stopped if the relationship is to grow. Try picking him up a few applications, going online and hunting him up some positions that would intrest him, and letting him know that the longer it shows on his resume that he was unemployed, the less likely a prospective employer will be to hire him. What ever you do, do not throw his mistakes in his face, or say "what's good for the gander is good for the goose" and start talking to men on the internet or phone to prove you can do the same thing.

Answer 2

Give him the boot. He is wasting your time. You helped him when he needed help after losing his job and you did what you could. Point blank, he is being lazy and he wants things done for him hand and foot. Don't take that crap. I would give him the boot and tell him have a nice life. Kids are already involved-how many? Anyways, was he married? All these things you should know b/c if he was married and now divorce-you need to know that this guy isn't big on committments since he couldn't committ to his first wife. Secondly, if he wasn't married and had those kids-sorry to say but man-whore...He doesn't even seem to have anymore responsibility to take care of them. He needs to experience the real world and see how it is without getting anymore help. Esp. when he point blank admits that he talks to other girls. There is no point in dealing with that for anybody. AND most likely he may not even be completely honest with you. I mean, who knows what happens after YOU go to work...Let him go..that's what I say.

Answer 3

This is a though one sweets. If you two moved through the "meet the family" phase without a hitch then I'd assume your relationship was solid and ready for the long haul. But this complication with your man loosing his job and all will be a huge test of your relationship.
Talk to him about his lack of job and his lay-about- habits. If he really wants this relationship to work then he has to contribute in a productive way. Let him know that these 'friends" and his incessant fraternizing with them is jeopardizing you relationship and that you will not tolerate being used, and will, if need be, kick him to the curb.
It may sound harsh and it will hurt but if this is how he is then you might as well save yourself the heartache now and move on without his excess baggage.
I wish you luck sweety.

Answer 4

Are you being used? Do you have to ask? I'd say a big YES. Throw this guy out as soon as possible, change the locks and don't let him back in...ever again. I hope you have learned that "a couple of months" is certainly not enough time to determine if someone is worth going the distance with. Live and learn from this, you have been used and he was waiting for someone like you to come along. Reality bites. But at least you hopefully have learned a good lesson here. Be careful, be wise, respect yourself and make people prove who they are...that takes time. Why rush? Only desperate people rush it.

Answer 5

First off I can tell ur as sweet as pie just by u coming here so concerned asking for advice, so tell me, sweetie , why are u not only letting this guy use u, but blantantly Disrespect u, in YOUR home? Has he made A LOT of effort to find a job, or does he kinda put it off? If this is the case, ask urself does he think ur suppose to take care of him?! Honestly my dear, I think he knows ur nice, toooo nice, dont get mad, but a bit of a "push over", and thinks he can get away with his bummish behavior. He doesnt even respect u enough to hide the fact he's communicating with other females, he thinks ur not going anywhere, so he can do whatever he whats to do, in ur house. He has the upperhand right now, and ur giving him a whole lotta power to hurt u, But what he doesnt know is that if he doesnt straighten up, he'll have to ship out. And the first thing he'll do is try to make u feel bad, "ur putting me out, Where am I to Go"?, "dont u love me,?", WHATEVER, do u want to be the one hurt? Or do u wanna put ur foot down?
There is SO much better for u out there, and if u had to come here and ask, u know things arent quite right.
PS, everyone gets "depressed", but we still go to work, or atleast make a damn hard effort to find work so we can get out of our funk, Just another excuse to make You feel bad........
Arent u "depressed" too, what about u?

Answer 6

My darling I think that he is being kind of jerk and disrespectful towards you.
Well, the only thing you can do is talk to him. Ask him to stop being a child and irresponsible and take his own responsibilities. If he doesn't change, dump him with no doubt. You deserve much better than a man who doesn't know what he wants from life and who doesn't appreciate the good things he already has.
Do not let anybody make you feel like you're being used. You don't have to accept that.

All the best

Answer 7

Its a hard one to judge but the only thing u can do is talk to him!
If his situation is genuine then it really is just such bad luck that it happened so early on in the relationship!He must think lot of u cause any decent guy wouldnt have introduced you to his kids if he's just using you!!
With all this other girl stuff u really need to just sit and chat!Again if he's sincere he's probably feeling really low that this has happened to him and is just after company while ur at work!I hope things work out,Good Luck

Answer 8

I can't stand living with people who don't work. The fact that they just sit at home and do whatever really aggravates me. It sounds like he really cared about you, but now that his life has gotten much worse (losing a job, place to live, etc.) He seems to have stopped caring about you the way he did before. He has taken your efforts on his behalf for granted and doesn't acknowledge them for what they are. You are definitely being used, because he doesn't value you anymore. You have just become his "safe harbor," sort of like his mom. You shouldn't let him treat you like that because his attitude isn't likely to change.

It may be hard to get rid of him, but as a start you should make him get a job or leave because the current situation is really not acceptable. As for the girls that he talks to, they are only a minor problem compared to all the other things.

Answer 9

hes using you girl im sorry to say.But if he has time to sit around all day on the phone and computer talking with girls then he has the time to get off his *** and go find a job.If he wasnt using you he would have already done that.But as long as you put up with it and dont put your foot down the more he is going to take advantage of you.Tell him how its gonna be and if he dosent like it tell him theres the dor dont let it hit you in the *** on the way out.You deserve to be treated better than that.Sounds like at beginning of relationship he was putting his best foot forward to weezel his way in then conviently he loses a job and place to live and now hes crashing with you and ur footing all of the bills.Hes not the type of man you need in your life unless you enjoy being the man of the relationship.I hope all works out well for you and be strong and hang in there girl.

Answer 10

You had me right up to the major disrespect line. You really don't need to ask anyone else this question, do you? You love him and it hurts, but the answer lies in how you feel, hon. If after the love that was showered on you got him in your door and soon after being invited in, like a vampire he began to suck out of you all the love and harmony you shared - then admit to him that he's drained you of all your humanitarian assistance, and ask him to hit the road.

Query: Has he already gotten an identification with your address on it? Has he made residence there for more than 6 months? Write a little letter outlinuing the current date and give him exactly 3 months to get out. Have a witness sign it also in case he refuses to sign, put a paragraph in the letter on the back stipulating that he refused to sign, get witness to attest.

At the end of 3 months, which he may ignore, thinking at the last minute he can have sex with you or otherwise make you want him to stay - don't buy it girlfriend, love is not supposed to hurt. You can have differences of opinion, but you know when you're being taken advantage of. And don't be bitter either, you learned a lesson early that no one will "ever" be able to pull on you again.

I went through it, many women who want a man too much go through it. The "predatory" males will feast on "prey" women. Women who are lonely, want to be bonded. Give yourself "this" guideline for future relationships and you will never go wrong.

Do not harden your heart to the next man.

Do be a thorough listener.

Do use your head and not your heart when situations arise that would pull at your heart strings, i.e., I lost my job and my rent is due, what am I to do? Your response, "I can give you a ride to the YMCA or perhaps a shelter? Did you work long enough to collect unemployment?"

Learn to enjoy time alone then when a "man" comes alone, it does not seem like such a treat from your loneliness that you jump onto the first one that comes through the door. I'm not trying to describe a deperate woman, but don't be one of those either. When my mister right came along and asked for a relationship, initially I turned him down. I was having the time of my life. Those men who genuinely enjoyed treating me to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, shopping trips, etc. They did not have to, mind you. I was never a gold digger (I have always had my own funds), but they volunteered as a way to get me out of the house, away from the other men they saw were also showing interest.

Men like a challenge. Do you have to "always" fix them with a "YES, I'M INTERESTED!" stare. Why not a nonchalant, "I'm really doing something I enjoy right now, can I contact you later?" look - which presents more of a challenge.

When you enjoy your own company, you can decide more clearly whether you want to entertain him then or wait until you feel like being bothered. When men see this type of confidence, if they are a con man they will only take you on as a "real" challenge to pull you from your confidence, but if you always put your satisfaction ahead of anyone else's, that is not being selfish, it's called self-preservation and God built you with it. You only wind up used when you go against it and put someone or something else first.

It does not hurt to let a man do for you before you do for him. And never, ever try to compete with another woman for his affections. If he is trying to create a contest between you and another woman, let him know how easily he can and will lose you. There are plenty men in the world who are not indecisive about who they want to be with, those are the men you should be available to.

Any other questions: I'm always available at [e-mail].

Throughout my entire life having and holding a man has never been my problem. Men will tend to make you their fantasy and latch on, not trying to let go even after your fascination with them has ceased. Trust me, there is nothing more sickening than a desperate man. Pray you never meet one of those-> Your ears are a woman's best tool. Don't talk as much as you should be listening. You'll find out all you need to know. Good Luck.