My mum and I fell out over two years ago. But my mum is now using my 17 yr old daughter to get at me. She is smothering her with gifts, has even found her a flat, that she can't even afford. I want my daughter to stay at home until she is financially ok to manage a flat on her own. I cannot approach my mum, as my daughter thinks I am picking on my mum then, and me and my daughter end up having a blazing row. I have tried to explain this situation to my daughter, but she can't see it. I know my mum, and I know that she is trying to drive a wedge between me and my daughter. What can I do? I don't want to stir things up, but I also don't want my daughter to make the wrong decisions that would make her life difficult. I have a son of 15, my mother doesn't even bother with him. What can I do?
2006-08-23 02:13:35 · 19 answers · asked by daria 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
it seems your mam is trying to have a mother/daughter relationship with your daughter because she misses you... if i were you..i would leave your daughter and mother to what they do becuse you know yourself your daughter will realise the mistake she amde and will come running back to you with her tails between her legs and you wont be made out to be the bad one...good luck
2006-08-23 02:18:39 · answer #1 · answered by IrishLassie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that you and your mother need to have some serious conversations without any of your children there. You two need to forgive and forget what happened in the past.
1. You only have one mother.
2. She is your children's grandmother.
3. You never know how much time you have with your loved ones, it shouldn't be wasted on anger.
4. She loves you and your children, even if you don't feel that she does.
5. You and your children love her, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Your mother may be going about things wrong, but she probably doesn't know any other way to be involved with a 17 year old. If she isn't insulting you to your daughter, then it's obvious that she is just trying to be a part of your daughter's life.
I'm sorry if you don't agree, but we only get one mother. She carried you, gave birth to you, raised you, nurtured you, and in general did the best she could to help guide you in life. I'm sure that some of your good parenting skills were learned form her. You should be old enough to get past the petty bickering, and learn forgiveness. And so should she. You both need to appologize and work out your differences. Then you two can both have eathother, and both have time with the children.
Yes, she overstepped her bounds with the flat. Yes, that wasn't her decision to make. Yes, you should have been asked first before any papers were signed. BUT, is all of this worth it? Do you really hate your mother so much that you are accusing her of driving a wedge between you and your daughter?
If you and your mother can't find a middle ground, maybe family counseling would benefit you two.
2006-08-23 02:28:19 · answer #2 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Continue to try to appeal to your daughter's good sense about all of this and hope and pray your daughter will understand that grandma is being manipulative. Tell Grandma to back off and even threaten legal action, if that is possible, although I'm not sure your mother has done anything illegal. Perhaps if you have a friend that is an attorney or lawyer, you could consult him and ask his opinion on that angle.
Your verbiage suggests you are not from the United States. In the US, I don't think it would be legal for your daughter to move out at the age of 17 unless you consented. Again, this would be a legal question specific to your locale.
2006-08-23 02:22:51 · answer #3 · answered by lmnop 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have you spoke to your daughter and told her how it makes you feel try not to raise your voice and dont start a row, if she still wants to see your mother let her do it dont worry she will learn from her mistakes at some point in a childs life they have to do a couple things on there own i kno it may be hard to watch her making the wrong decisions but eventually shell see the mistakes shes made and make the right ones ! Good Luck xXx
2006-08-23 02:21:40 · answer #4 · answered by mcrox_lauraxex 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give your daughter loads of love - that's all it takes to stop her from making the wrong choices in life, tell her you don't mind her having a relationship with her grandmother and that she must bring her around to see your brother some time - that is as far as you should go with this - if you nag her or show your feelings too much you may drive her away or make her feel guilty and pulled in two different directions when all she really needs is stability and someone to rely on if all goes wrong.
2006-08-23 02:38:27 · answer #5 · answered by darkhorse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your right in not wanting to start a row with your daughter about this. say to daughter if you can afford this flat by all means move in, if you say she can't then she will anyway just make sure she knows that if by chance it doesn't work out she'll be welcome home but watch how you say it you don't want it to sound like your expecting her to fail. i think you should mention to her that it isn't fair that she gets all this and her brother doesn't, tell if she's not bothered then (i hate to say it) get something that your son and your daughter would like but don't give it to your daughter i know it may seem petty but it might teach them a lesson, or say to your mum i hope you remember that you have a grandson as well as a granddaughter because it's not fair if you give to one and not the other
2006-08-23 02:40:33 · answer #6 · answered by Scottish lass 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know how the law works where you are, but here in the US, it is ILLEGAL for a 17 year old to live on their own unless they are legally emancipated from their parent. Your daughter is not of legal age and still has to follow what you say.
Tell your mom to butt out. And tell your daughter that she is not ready for this flat. If she fights you on it, then let her make her own mistakes. Just be there for her when she fails. Which she will.
2006-08-23 02:20:41 · answer #7 · answered by Jessie P 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Daria, please stay out of the situation with your mother and your daughter ! You know your mother but your daughter is getting to know her leave it ,they might be alright together.Because you don't get on with your mother doesn't mean your daughter mustn't. I understand that you are worried but if you make scenes you will only alienate your daughter .Make a rule that you will not mention your mother when you are talking with your girl.
Let her move out and find out about life you know it is not easy,
your girl doesn't.Tell her she can come back home if it doesn't
work out.Be nice to her,encourage her,than your mother will NOT have driven a wedge between you !
Good luck !
2006-08-23 02:32:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do understand your frustration but you can't do stuff all, absolutley nothing - you're daughter will not believe you. Just say to your daughter " you can't see it now but you will when you're older" and just let her know that if things get too tough she can always come home again.
That's about all you can do. Until your daughter grows up she will not see it. She may never see it, so you just need to step back and bite your tongue. You will not win by fighting all the time. Your wicked mother will win as mine did.
2006-08-23 02:28:27 · answer #9 · answered by Curious39 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she is just trying to piss you of threw your daughter. Don't let her do this. Ignore them, and only talk about things that have to be said. I bet that when she discovers that it does not affect you the game won't be as much fun anymore. I know that it will be hard to not guide your daughter in the ways that you feel are right, but for the sake of the furture this may have to be done.
2006-08-23 02:20:51 · answer #10 · answered by FANNY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-02 10:49:24 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋