Hurting mom?

Question

was I wrong ??just found out 3 months ago my 20 year old says he is gay .hard thing to handle as a mom .He is a store manager in another state ,he cant keep a car he either dont pay for it or it breaks down ,I let him borrow mine was supposed to be 2 days his roomate was going to follow him back in to return it ,well I have been 2 weeks without a car ,and I need it and he wouldnt bring it back said he did nothave the money to .so today I went to the state and he had parked my car to be picked up below empty on gas ,and walked home he dont tell me where he lives he is very private ,since my hubby got me this car my son has had it more I pay 350 a month and never have it ,I called him on my way home he was crying said he had no money ,and that he wished to die ,I cant stop crying ,I have done my best .he said he will never come back .im hurt !!!!what to do .???

Answer 1

Sounds like your situation needs prayer intervention. (God is usually very good at working these things out.) (Though it will take trust and consistency on your behalf.) As a mother of a son myself, I can greatly sympathize with you. You were not wrong to take back your car. Your husband bought it for you. Though you do not condone your sons current choices, you must verbally (and in writing when possible) let him know how much you love him. (When it is in writing, he can go back and read it even when he's not talking to you). This does not mean crippling his manhood by supplying for him what he chooses not to be responsible for himself. (ex: car). Encourage him in his adulthood decisions and his self esteem. (This will help him empower himself). It sounds as if he is confused and depressed. If he is living with his friend, perhaps his friend should help him with rides to work. If his friend is unwilling, and possibly dominating, maybe you could share with your son how this relationship is unhealthy. This would explain his feelings of worthlessness (a.k.a. suicidal). I hope you will talk to God about this. He cares so much for you and your son. Talk to God as if He is a person in the room with you. Tell Him everything and always end by saying, "in the name of Jesus, amen." That name is powerful. If you can get a Bible, look up the words "hope" and "peace" in the back in the concordance and read all of those scriptures and even begin to pray them over you and your son. God created you, He loves you, and He gave you a free will to choose your own destination. Mankind reeps from the choices we make. God is a gentleman and will never force His love upon anyone. He only responds to invitations. I will be praying for you and your son. God bless you, in Jesus Name!

Answer 2

Well, you have the "gay" part to deal with as well. I really feel for you. You know you can just do so much. I went through this with one of my kids, but not the gay thing. I cut the strings, and I moved away, because I had cancer. It was always about them, and never about me, but anyway, she blamed me for a long time. Since she herself had a health problem, it was hard, but I had protected her all her life. When I cut the money strings, etc., she was 29 yrs old. She was off of me for 10 yrs, but you know what, they do grow up, and now we are ok. I give her the space she needs, she does not live in our town. She works, she bought her own place, she has a very hard job, 12 hrs per day shifts, day care type of thing for sick older adults, but she is making it. I think that sometimes you have to take that chance. I was told once about a mother who had to tell her blind kid that he should not feel sorry for himself, and who did he think he was to think he was disabled, etc. He could not see the tears running down her face, but he made it, and became a lawyer. Tough love is much tougher for the one giving it than for the one receiving it, but sometimes, it is the only way. God bless you.
Now, go get the car, and do not loan it to him again. He will not like you and say things to hurt you, so this is not an easy ride for you. But don't believe him now. Tell him that you love him, but you are doing this for him, and stick to it. No more money either, no matter what sad story he is telling. Just take the chance for him.

Answer 3

Your son is old-enough to take responsibility for his own life. And yet he is trying to blame you for his not having money or a car or whatever.

I used to know someone like that, and his mom had "enabled" him since he was your son's age. He was in his mid-30s when I knew him, and he was worse than ever. He'd gotten the idea into his head that everyone in the world "owed" him something, and that nothing was ever his own fault. And he was a drug addict. In my opinion, being gay is fine, and being a drug addict is not. (Your opinion may vary, and you're certainly entitled to your opinion.)

But I think that if you don't make your kid grow up and be an adult by letting him sink or swim, then you won't be doing him OR yourself any favors. From your description , he sounds like a TOTAL FLAKE. (Sorry to be so harsh.) Now, if he were having just a few problems, but he was basically a responsible person, then it'd be OK to help him out. But it sounds as if he's not managing his life at all. Trying to bail him out won't help--it's like throwing good money after bad.

Answer 4

What should you do??? You need to do the same thing I told my mother 10 years ago... let him go. Your job is done. He is an adult now...

To finish the story, my mother didn't listen to me. She continued to be the enabler in my little brothers self destructive ways. She provided everything for him that he needed, including food, clothes, car, insurance, cell phone. That made him successful right??? No, just the opposite. He resented her because he felt that she didn't trust him enough to let him do it on his own. Of course that is not what he would verbally say to her - he always knew the right strings to pull to guilt her into fixing it for him. He dug himself into all kinds of holes, and mom was always there to bail him out. Well, here we are 10 years later, and my brother has warrants for his arrest in at least 2 states, hasn't held down a job longer than a few months, and has lived with my mother more often than not. He finally broke the camels back (I hope) when he attacked my mom. He broke a bunch of stuff in her new house, bruised her up, and threatened to kill her. I think she has finally realised that he needs to be on his own. Sometimes the baby needs to be pushed out of the nest to learn to fly - some parents are unwilling too though, and sometimes the baby bites the parents until they are willing to.

Answer 5

Wow, you know what my dear....you are NOT doing anything wrong!
It seems as though your son is going through a very disruptive and tough time in his life......which is in no way a reflection on how he was raised, some of us just fall through the cracks and need to find our way out.
His reaction is that of depression and confusion and codependency, he is trying to reach out for help from you but for the wrong reasons.
It may be the hardest thing to do but you need to give him the space and time to figure himself out, he is an adult now.

I am just a person in an answer chat area, and hopefully others provide you the respect of mature and helpful answers.

You can try and go through some counselling yourself, not only to help balance your own emotions, but perhaps try and figure out what your son may be going through and the tough love you may need to give.

I hope this helps in some way and or that you both find the courage and strength.

Answer 6

You know Mommy comes a time we have to grit our teeth and say, enough is enough..Your to blame sweety, stop giving him the car..The boy is 20, make him grow up and work things out himself.. You wount be around for ever, he needs to do this..Let him stay away for a wile he'll see he's wrong and come back.. as for being gay, Well sweetheart its his life, you dont have to aprove or like it but you should stand by him ..Its his life and as much as you want to, you cant live it for him, RIGHT??..Get your hubby to go get your car and figure you now learned a lesson...Good Luck your friend from Tennessee...ROB

Answer 7

THAT'S A HARD ONE TO ANSWER.WITH OUR KIDS WE DO THE BEST WE CAN , BUT WE NEVER KNOW HOW IT WILL WORK OUT . THE FACT THAT HE IS GAY . I KNOW THAT IS HARD , BUT ITS HIS LIFE . I'M SURE YOU JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY . BUT AT THE SAME TIME , YOU ARE HIS MOTHER .AND HE SHOULD SHOW YOU SOME COMPASSION AND RESPECT,AND YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP HIM.I DON'T THINK YOU DID ANY THING WRONG. YOU JUST HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT , AND HOPE HE WILL SEE IT FOR HIMSELF DOWN THE ROAD .

Answer 8

Hey,, he is a grown boy Mom,,,, tell him just to bring you the car,, and then go do what he needs to.....cut the strings dear....

good luck

Answer 9

disown him and stop paying for the car. if he does bring the car back. don't give him **** else. if you do decide do give him money do it once and if he spends it and still doesn't give your car back, stick with my first option.sorry for the inconvience of your son. that damn "queer eye for the straight guy" its currupting the world as we know it.

Answer 10

just follow yo heart and do what you think is right for u and you son.try to be positive.
ALL THE BEST.